Page 103 of Trusting Tanner
Juliana closed her eyes tightly.Please, God, make these thoughts go away. But they didn’t. They came faster and fiercer. He lifted her sweatshirt like he was going to remove it, and she put her hands against his chest. “Stop. I can’t…” She scurried out from beneath him and climbed out of bed. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
He sat on the edge of the bed and dragged his hand through his hair. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No.” She licked her kiss-swollen lips. He’d done everything right. He always knew exactly how to touch her.
“Then what…?” He stood in front of her, his body heat wrapping around her.
“Every time you touch me or kiss me…” She shook her head. “All I can think about is whether you touched her and kissed her the same way. Those pictures are permanently seared into my mind. I can’t un-see them.”
“Oh, honey, don’t.” He took her face into his hands. “Please don’t torture yourself like that.”
“If it were that easy, I’d stop.” But she couldn’t.
She took hold of his wrists and removed his hands from her face. “I forgive you, Tanner, for what happened, but I can’t forget. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forget.”
The look of utter despair that crossed his face had her heart shattering like glass in her chest. “I don’t remember a thing about that night, but I know, in here”—he placed his fisted hand over his heart—“I know I would never touch anyone the way I touch you.”
She momentarily closed her eyes. God, she wanted to believe him, she really did, but she couldn’t shut off the images. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“So am I. More than you’ll ever know.” He kissed her forehead then walked out of her room. Out of her apartment. Out of her life.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
The last few weeks of classes passed in a whirlwind of tests and term papers. At least it had kept her busy enough so she wasn’t spending every second agonizing over Tanner. Neither of them had mentioned what happened during Thanksgiving break, but not a day went by he didn’t say he was sorry and tell her he loved her. He’d even sent her flowers and chocolates a few times. She’d wake up each morning and go to bed each night with a text message from him. All of that aside, she still couldn’t get past the fact that she hadn’t been enough for him.
“Hey, Jules, let me in,” Devon called as he knocked on her door.
She opened the door and greeted him with a smile. “I thought for sure you’d be halfway home by now.”
Classes for the fall term ended yesterday, and most students had made a mad exodus to their respective homes. Except for her. Instead of going home to the beach house, this year she planned to stay right here in her apartment. She had a massive supply of sappy Christmas movies, junk food, and tissues—because she wasn’t fooling anyone. There would be buckets of tears. Christmas had always been her father’s favorite holiday.
“I wanted to stop and say a quick good-bye.” Devon made himself comfortable on her couch, his feet propped up on the coffee table.
She smiled and closed the door, turning toward him. “So, when are you leaving?”
He tucked his hands behind his head. “You trying to get rid of me?”
“No, of course not.” She sat beside him. Even though she wouldn’t admit it to him, the thought of spending Christmas alone—again—depressed her. Without him and her other friends around, she’d be preoccupied with thoughts of Tanner; she’d be tempted to call him, try to make things right. And she couldn’t do that. She’d worked too hard to rebuild the wall around her emotions, and she wasn’t ready to risk another heartbreak. Not yet.
“Actually”—Devon dropped his feet to the floor and sat up straight, sighing—“please come home with me. I hate the idea of you being here all alone.”
“Don’t start this again.” She stood and went to the kitchen. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, she twisted off the top and drank half of it in one gulp. He had been insisting since Thanksgiving that she go home with him for the holidays, and she’d refused each time. She didn’t need or want his pity, and that’s all his invitation was.
“Just because you’ve spent every holiday and summer break alone doesn’t mean you have to keep being alone.”
“I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I’ve survived this long on my own. I’m sure I can handle another Christmas.”
“Yeah, but you don’t have to. You have friends, people who care about you and want to be with you. Why won’t you let them?”
Because she didn’t want to impose or be an interloper into a family that wasn’t hers or feel any more out of place than she usually did. “This is a hard time of the year for me, okay? And I handle it better when I’m alone. Please try to respect that.”
He hung his head for a second. “I’m not going to be able to change your mind, am I?”
“No.”
He stared at her for a moment before nodding. “All right, but if you change your mind, call me, okay? I’ll drive back and pick you up.”
“Thanks, Dev.” She wouldn’t have made it through the semester without his friendship.
