Page 94 of Trusting Tanner
“Don’t you dare stand there and tell me what we had meant nothing to me. That’s not fair.”
“Life isn’t fair.” She poked him in the chest. “You made your choice when you climbed into bed with her. I’ve already paid for it with a broken heart. Isn’t that enough?” She shoved him away, opened the door, and rushed out.
He kicked at the door and let out a frustrated scream. Several students passing by gave him a funny look, but he ignored them. It was hard to care about anything when his heart was shattered into a million pieces, the sharp, jagged shards cutting him deeper, extending and prolonging his agony. Would it ever stop hurting?
He grabbed his bag from the floor and headed to class. He briefly considered skipping, but then he wouldn’t be able to see Juliana. Not that she’d look at him or talk to him, but at least he could see her. Sometimes, just being near her helped calm him. He prayed this class would be one of those times, because he was seconds away from having a nervous breakdown.
…
Another week passed and it was more of the same. Juliana only spoke to him when she absolutely had to, which was during labs. He still wasn’t sleeping worth a shit, unless he got drunk enough to pass out, which he’d done a couple of times simply because the exhaustion was too much. He’d stopped socializing with everyone except Jason. He was slowly imploding, and he didn’t know how to stop it. Well, he had an idea, and it would either save him or fully destroy him.
He wiped his sweaty palm on his jeans then knocked on the door. His heart was in his throat as he mentally tried to prepare himself for the fact she might slam the door in his face. Showing up at her apartment like this, uninvited, probably wasn’t the smartest thing he could’ve done, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
The door opened, and Juliana stood there in the same gray yoga pants she’d worn so many times before. Her face was makeup free, and her hair was in a messy pile atop her head. God, she was beautiful as ever.
“Tanner? What’re you doing here?” she asked.
He held out the dozen roses he’d bought on his way over. “I was hoping we could talk.”
She hesitantly took the flowers and sniffed them, but she didn’t make a move to invite him in.
“I feel like there’s a lot both of us still need to say but haven’t.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “And, well, I was thinking, if we got everything out in the open, we might be able to move on. Hopefully as friends.” Even though he wanted so much more than her friendship, he’d take whatever he could get. And last time, being her friend and not pushing her had worked to his advantage. Maybe it would this time, too.
Her eyes widened a fraction of an inch and something sparked in her gaze. She hesitated a moment longer then stepped aside. “Come in.”
Relief swept over him as he stepped into her apartment.
“Thanks for the flowers.” She carried them to the kitchen and set them on the counter while she filled a vase with water. “They’re gorgeous.”
“They’re rotting weeds compared to you,” he said, a wistful smile settling on his face.
Juliana’s shoulders slumped, and she leaned against the counter for support, unmoving. She stayed that way for a few moments before putting the flowers in the vase. “What is it you wanted to say?”
He swallowed hard. Where did he even begin? He walked into the kitchen and cautiously approached her. “I wanted to apologize. Again.”
“You didn’t need to bring me flowers and come all the way over here to say you were sorry. I know you are.” She turned to face him. “But being sorry doesn’t change anything.” She pushed away from the counter and walked into the living room.
“I know it doesn’t.” He followed her. “And I don’t expect your forgiveness.” It would be nice, but he knew better than to ask for it. “I know it’s asking a lot, but I would like us to try to be friends.”
She shook her head, her bottom lip tucked between her teeth.
He stood in front of her, and she let her head fall to his chest, her arms wrapped tightly around his waist. The act was so unexpected, he just stood there, unsure what to do or say. But then he put his arms around her and rested his cheek on top of her head. He closed his eyes, wanting this moment to last forever.
“I don’t know if we can be friends. Too much has happened,” she whispered.
“Look at me,” he said softly.
She shook her head.
“Jules, baby, look at me.” He put his fingers under her chin and tilted her head up. “I’ve never fucked up this bad in my life, and I don’t know how to fix it.” Speaking the truth aloud to her was oddly freeing. He lowered his mouth, caressing her lips with his.
“Tanner.” She cupped the back of his neck and brought his mouth to hers again. He flattened his hands on her lower back and pulled her close. She moaned. The ache in his chest tightened, squeezing the breath from his lungs, and he gasped against her lips. The hole in his heart deepened, leaving him empty, devoid of everything but utter loneliness.
If that kiss told him anything, it was that she still had feelings for him. “I’m so sorry. Please tell me what to do. Tell me how to make this right.”
“You can’t.”
Reality was like a sharp stick in the eye. “You don’t mean that. There’s got to be something I can do.” Tears burned his throat.
