Page 44 of The Best of Friends
Why was it so reassuring to know someone else understood what he was experiencing?
“I don’t want to abandon my music. My brother controls so many aspects of my life, and I have already sacrificed so many things in order to keep the peace with him. Losing this, too, would feel like losing my soul.”
“In many ways, it would be,” Mr. Fortier said. “Art resides in the soul. When we create art, it arises from so deep a place within us that it is, in many ways, part of us. To have your music torn away would not merely feel like losing a part of yourself; it would literally be a loss of self.”
“You have no idea how reassuring it is to hear that.” Toss released a deep breath. “I’ve wondered for weeks, years, really, if I was simply being overly dramatic.”
“I have had that same conversation with myself, Mr. Comstock. It was the words of someone very wise that helped me realize it was not only permissible for poetry and other creative pursuits to feel deeply personal and important but that it would also be shocking if it were otherwise.”
“Who was it that told you that?” Toss asked.
“The lady I eventually married,” Henri said. “She was the first person I told that I was actively composing and publishing poetry. The Gents—that is what my group of friends call ourselves—knew I had studied it and knew I still read it, but I’d not even told them that I wrote it. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust them, nor did I think they would dismiss or laugh at my efforts. I was hesitant to burden them with a secret that came with a great deal of complications.Ma Nicolettehelped me see that poetry is an important part of who I am and helped me realize how ridiculous it was to not lean upon my friends in my difficulties, to not trust them with something so deeply important to me.”
“Mrs. Fortier sounds a great deal like Daria—Miss Mullins,” he corrected with a quick shake of his head. The familiarity with which the Huntresses and his group of friends interacted would not meet with Society’s approval.
Mr. Fortier did not look shocked. And to Toss’s relief, he didn’t press the matter of the social faux pas.
“I would suggest you share with your friends the difficulties you are facing.”
“I have, to an extent.”
Mr. Fortier nodded. “Consider allowing them to know more than justan extent. And I would further suggest you ponder for a time how fortunate you are to have someone like Miss Mullins in your life, who is encouraging and sees the value in what you do. That is rarer than you likely think.”
“As much as my brother makes me question what I do with my life, her family makes her question her intelligence and judgment.”
Mr. Fortier’s brows pulled low. For a man who must have been in his sixties, he actually had very little silver mixed in with the gold. “There were a few times during the poetry evening when she spoke of herself in surprisingly unflattering terms but did so without any hint of self-pity. The comments always seemed to be on the matter of her intelligence, which I thought odd because she struck me as being more than capable of participating in a game that does require some intellectual flexibility.”
It was Toss’s turn to nod with understanding. “Because she’s not academic and stumbles over her words sometimes, especially when reading aloud, her family has convinced her that she is, in their words, stupid.”
Mr. Fortier’s face pulled into a look of disapproval. “No one should be made to feel that way, especially by family.”
Toss wanted Daria to see what a remarkable person she was. She’d advocated for herself. Seeing the triumph and pride in her eyes as she’d recounted that moment had done his heart good. And it was proving rather inspiring. Daria had faced her unsupportive family members; surely he could do the same.
“How is it you managed to continue on with your poetry even with your brother’s disapproval?”
“For one thing, I did it in secret, which helped. It also somewhat simplified my situation that I was guaranteed a certain income from my late father’s estate. My brother did not, at first, give that to me willingly, and he knew I hadn’t the funds to press the matter in the French courts. But with the help of my friends, we found a means of claiming some financial freedom from him. That was one of his greatest sources of power over me. Reclaiming that made a difference.”
“I don’t know how I would do that with Laurence. I have no income outside of what he’s willing to give me. I have no home to claim, no means of supporting myself.”
“I had no home either. I rented some inexpensive rooms in London during the Season, and moved from the house of one friend to another the rest of the year. It was a lowering and humbling experience, I will admit, but it gave me a bit of independence, which was not a bad thing.”
Toss had come directly from Cambridge to London and so had not pondered the possibility of moving about, staying with friends. He knew Charlie and Artemis would let him visit them at Brier Hill for a time. He would ask Scott and Gillian, but he knew their finances were terribly strained. Newton and Ellie had enough generosity that they would offer as well, but he knew that their time was exceedingly limited, with Newton still undertaking his education in the law.
Duke’s family likely wouldn’t object to Toss’s staying with them, but Duke’s mentions of them over the years made him think perhaps the Seymours’ home would not be the happiest place to stay.
Fennel, the one they laughingly called Poppy, had his own estate, inherited from his father when he was still at Eton. He lived near the coast in Kent, with many acres and a large house to his name. That might be a possibility. As Fennel was still at university, he might not mind having Toss there to look after the place in his absence. Toss knew nothing about breeding horses, which was what the estate did, but he would leave that part to whomever was doing it now.
“I likely could find places to live,” Toss acknowledged aloud. “They would not be ideal situations, but my current situation is so far from ideal that almost anything would be an improvement.”
Mr. Fortier’s smile was as quiet as the ones he’d offered thus far, but this time it held an amused spirit of understanding. He had likely endured a great many less-than-ideal situations whilst at odds with his brother.
“I have a younger sister though,” Toss said. “A chasm between myself and my brother might separate me from her.”
“I have a younger sister as well and experienced that same fear.”
His Grace had not been exaggerating when he’d suggested Mr. Fortier would understand Toss’s struggles.
“Did you manage to remain part of her life?” Toss asked.
