Page 77 of Snapdragons
If I lose Fairfield, I will be holding my breath for the rest of my life.
Penelope needed Fairfield. She needed the life there she’d been fighting for so many years to claim. That need had driven her to press her brother to keep looking for a husband who would agree to what would allow her to feel safe. It had pushed her to cross England on the chance that her runaway groom would see value in her. It had given her the courage to remain behind when her brother had abandoned her because she was determined to not lose herself to the version of her that Society wanted to impose upon her.
If I lose Fairfield . . .
She needed to build her life at Fairfield. She needed to fill her lungs every day with the freedom it offered her.
But he wouldn’t be fully happy if he abandoned the lifehe’dbeen fighting for. He was quiet and overlooked, required for far too long to bow to the dictates of others, wanting to make a difference for others who were far more voiceless than he. He’d spent a decade studying the intricacies of Parliament and cultivating political connections so that he could one day be effective in that body.
Their dreams were in conflict. Watching Lucas and Julia’s struggles, he’d seen the way losing dreams, feeling dismissed and discarded, ate away at even tender and loving connections.
“You look pensive.” When had Lucas moved to stand by him? The ladies were a bit away, assisting Philip.
“Do you realize I have wondered over the years if I would ever fall in love? If maybe there was something inherently wrong with me that I didn’t feel a pull to anyone when everyone else seemedto have their heads turned quite regularly?”
“Do you know what Stanley would say to that if he were here?” Lucas asked, then answered his own question. “‘This careful and thoughtful approach is the way your heart chooses to love, Niles Greenberry, and there is nothing wrong with that.’ And then he would applaud your heart for having chosen as well as it has now.”
Niles’s gaze remained on Penelope, who was now spinning in a circle with Philip in her arms. The sight made that careful and thoughtful heart of his skip a beat even as it dropped to his feet.
“And what would Stanley say once he realized how impossible this actually is?”
“What do you mean? I thought you’d decided she was to your liking after all, even if your grandfather did choose her.”
“She is more than to my liking. She is... I couldn’t imagine...” He pushed out a breath. “I have not ever been an orator. Perhaps I ought to remember that when I think on my parliamentary ambitions.”
“For one thing, not all parliamentarians give speeches,” Lucas answered firmly. “For another, being unable to put into words how deeply you love someone is a sign of sincerity, especially for one who is, as you said, not an orator. Rest assured, Puppy, I have seen your feelings for her written all over your face.”
“And what is written on my face right now?” He sighed.
Lucas studied him. “Heartbreak.” He sounded surprised. “Why is that? She is your match, and you are hers, and she looks at you with the same expression of besotted tenderness with which you look at her. You ought to be elated.”
Julia and Penelope were so engrossed with helping Philip that they weren’t paying the least heed to Lucas and Niles. That was for the best.
“She needs to keep ownership of Fairfield. I didn’t fully understand that until recently, but it’s crucial to her. Julianeeded you to be nearby, to not leave her behind, to not make plans without her, which you didn’t fully appreciate at first.”
“That is an understatement,” Lucas acknowledged.
“Building a life in which she didn’t have that would have been miserable for both of you.”
“True.” He nodded.
“That is Fairfield for Penelope. It needs to be hers in every real and tangible way.”
“Sign the original marriage settlement, and it will be,” Lucas said.
“Without property of my own, I would have to abandon what I have workedmyentire adult life to achieve.”
“The bout with the Bath Butcher will allow you to address that. Even the loser’s purse would put you so close that you’d be months from claiming your own land.”
“Away from Fairfield,” he pointed out. “Representing an area of the kingdom where I don’t make my home would not merely be unsatisfying; it would feel like selling my soul to become one of those MPs who doesn’t actually care and doesn’t do any good.”
Understanding was dawning in Lucas’s expression and with it, the same worry Niles had been feeling.
“I couldn’t live apart from the lady I marry,” Niles said. “I don’t want that kind of marriage. I refused to accept it when the time came, and I can’t resign myself to it now.”
“But marrying Penelope and livingwithher means one of you loses what you’ve fought for.”
“It makes me feel selfish, saying that those ambitions are important enough to interfere with... love. Admittedly, I am operating with no experience whatsoever, but poetry and theater and literature all insist that ‘love is not love which alters when it alteration finds or bends with the remover to remove.’ Abandoning love over something like contradictory residency requirements feels shallow.”
