Page 83 of Snapdragons
“Of course.”
“I also find myself wishing, even when there are far too many people milling about, that the expectations of polite behavior would allow me to simply melt into your arms like this. I wish for it all the time.”
For so long, he’d feared he would never find a person with whom he could share this connection or have these feelings. He’d hoped to build a marriage like the ones he saw among his friends, though he’d not truly believed it possible.
He had that chance now, but fate had been cruel in the offering of it.
“You deserve to breathe, Penelope.”
“I can breathe,” she said with a little laugh.
“I don’t mean literally in this moment. You said Fairfield was air to you, freedom to breathe in a society that offers women so little air. Hearing you speak of the dreams you have for your future there, I came to understand how crucial it is. And I want that for you. I want you to be happy, and I know you wouldn’tbe if Fairfield were snatched away. No matter what other happinesses you might have, losing that would leave a wound that would not truly heal.”
She seemed to sense the growing somberness in his words. She pulled back a little, looking up at him. “My brother would sign the original marriage settlement, I’m certain of it. That allows me to keep Fairfield.”
How to explain the complications that were there? “I would despise myself if anything I did prevented you from having it.”
“What has you so solemn of a sudden?”
He took a breath. “I told you yesterday of my ambition to be in Parliament.”
She nodded. “You would be wonderful there, working to do good and help people. Too many pursue the position purely for prestige or to further their own desires. You would do an entire world of good.”
He adjusted so he was once more holding her hand and walking beside her. He’d do better at explaining things if he weren’t holding her, knowing full well he might not be able to do so for long. “To hold a seat in the House of Commons, a man, among other things, needs a minimal income and must own property. He must own it himself. It cannot belong to a father or brother or friend or—”
“Or wife.”
He nodded hesitantly. “Precisely.”
“Are you suggesting we change the marriage settlement so that Fairfield would be yours after all?” He could not tell if the stilting quality of her question indicated she felt herself correct and was trying to endure the hurt of it or if she felt certain that wasnotwhat he was suggesting but couldn’t think what else it might be.
“Not at all,” he insisted. “Not ever. Fairfield is yours and always, always should be. I would never suggest otherwise.”
She looked relieved but still didn’t seem to have the least ideawhat he was attempting to say.
“I have known since I was young about the land requirements for an MP. As such, I have been saving what I could for years. I nearly have enough to buy a small, humble property in an inexpensive area of the kingdom.”
“Oh, that does make more sense. And how wonderful that you are so close to your goal.” Hope returned to her eyes, hope he would be extinguishing in a moment.
“An MP’s income doesn’t have to come from the estate he owns, which means with the income from Fairfield, I would have what I need in that regard, but I still have toownthe property that qualifies me.” He needed her to know how specifically impossible their current situation was. The estate ownership matter was not a minor one. “The property I am hoping to purchase is in Essex, not anywhere near Fairfield.”
Her brow pulled as she contemplated that. “Though I would, by law, be the owner of Fairfield, it would still be our home. There is no reason we wouldn’t both live there. And though I hope you would enjoy being part of the equine pursuits I have imagined for the estate, there is also no reason you couldn’t be the wonderful member of Parliament you have always wanted to be.”
“There is though.” He pushed out a breath. “If I were to represent constituents I didn’t know and never saw, representing an area of the kingdom in which I didn’t live, whose interests were not my own, I would not be fulfilling that dream I’ve worked toward. I wouldn’t be the helpful and ethical member of Parliament I want to be. I would be like too many others, the corrupt and uncaring MPs I’ve so long held in contempt. I would have a seat in Parliament, but I would despise myself.”
“I hadn’t thought of that,” she said quietly.
“But neither could I be the sort of husband who livespermanently and intentionally away from his wife. I couldn’t build a life elsewhere while you were building a life at Fairfield.”
Penelope paled, though she didn’t speak.
“I have an opportunity, very soon, to be the recipient of money enough to either purchase the property or place myself within mere months of doing so. But though it would be the fulfillment of years of work and the beginning of a pursuit that I know would be fulfilling and important to me, I find myself feeling... discouraged.”
“I’m feeling a little discouraged myself.” Her soft words were barely audible over the sound of the wind and the water. “Either you abandon what you have worked toward your entire adult life in order to build a life with me at Fairfield, or I abandon Fairfield and every dream I have there to build a life with you elsewhere.”
“Neither of us would be fully happy in either of those scenarios. I have been trying to sort out a solution, and I finally realized that it made no sense to mull this over without making certain you knew the reality of the situation as well as the desperation I feel to find an answer. I don’t ever want you to think that I have given up or don’t care enough to try.”
They’d nearly completed their circuit of the island. Their horses were in view once more. Would she simply retake her saddle and ride away? Would she say there was no answer and they’d do best to simply move on?
