Page 18 of Idée Fixe
Pressing my hands to her cheeks, I run my thumbs under her eyes and clear the tear stains as best as I can. I let my guard down for a single second, getting lost in her eyes and the moment I do, the fabric of the balaclava is torn from my face.
My eyes widen and so do hers.
“Jax?”
His name barely audible as it comes from my throat. He’s here, staring down at me. After seven years of nothing. No contact at all. Practically radio fucking silence.
“Cairo, please let me expl-”
“Explain!?” I instantly push him away, my palms hitting his solid chest. “Explain what!” I shout again. This anger bubbling up inside of me is so confusing. I gave up on this, on us and on him all those years ago. “That I haven’t seen you in seven years? That you just… You just-”
“Please calm-”
I point in his face. “Don’t fucking tell me to calm down!” Running my hands over my face I begin to laugh, mostly from the shock of seeing my brother’s best friend alive and standing in front of me. The man I fell in love with at twenty and the man I never got over.
“I looked for you.” The words getting stuck in my throat. Strangling me.
“I know, baby. I’m-” He takes a step towards me, but I back upinstantly. Feeling so exposed.
“Don’t call me, baby!” I counter. Stepping away from him. “If you knew it was me, why wouldn’t you just tell me!?” I shout, slamming my palms against his chest.
“Cairo, look at me, let me explain everything to you please, I-”
The minute the word flies from my mouth I regret it. Because I do want to hear him out. But I’m too hurt to care right now.
“Trojan!” My eyes trained on him, tears building at the lash line and everything becoming blurry. Pausing, he takes a few steps back. Standing stock still with his hands behind his back. And even though I know he will abide by the use of my safe word, I’m even sadder that he in fact didn’t follow me.
Ishould have told her, I should’ve explained everything and given her the chance to make the choice herself, but my selfishness overtook my brain, and all rational thinking went out of the window. The moment I saw her picture, I couldn’t concentrate on anything else but having her.
I’ve loved Cairo since the very first moment I saw her and I know most men are afraid to admit when they fall in love with a woman, but I’ve never been afraid of being honest about anything. She was everything I had ever dreamed of, and I just let her go. I didn’t fight for her. And I’ve hated myself ever since.
She isn’t the type of woman you let go and forget about. No, she’s the kind of woman that haunts you for the rest of your life and spend it hating yourself. When she threw her safe word at me, I choked and for the second time in my life, I let her go. The rules of Idée Fixe are clear, when the safe word is said, the games are done.
Except this wasn’t a game for me. This was everything. She was everything. The most precious thing in the world to me and I fucked up… again.
It’s the main reason that I’m standing across the street of her apartment, waiting for her to eventually come home. I’ve done everything I can to get her to talk to me and she still won’t. Not even her mother can convince her to give me a chance and if I’m being completely honest with myself, I don’t blame her.
So, like a fucking creep, I’ve been sat here for twelve hours. I know where she works, but turning up there wouldn’t help the situation. So here I am, watching and waiting. The moment she parks her car and steps out, I can’t catch my breath.
I need to make this right.
I need Cairo back.
Eight weeks later...
Since the events that took place at Idée Fixe, I’ve taken some time to sit down and think about everything. Jax has continued to call me countless times, at first I wondered how, but then I realised he would have all my details from the application form.
I’ve ignored every call he’s made. My mother, however, thinks speaking to him is a good idea. She always had a soft spot for him and as much as I love her, it pisses me off. His gifts have been everywhere too, flowers at my mother’s house, chocolates, and my favourite book series at Sienna’s house.
Even the fucking coffee shop where I regularly attend every day after work have baskets of self-care crap, and honestly, I’m taken back by it. I spent three years waiting for him after my brother died. Three years wondering where he was and if he was ever going to come back to me, so we could talk and maybe build something together and he never did.
I hate that I miss him hate that I wish he would’ve come to mebefore now and more than anything, I’m furious that he hasn’t. I thought after everything we built together -over those two years while he and Sam were on tour- that he would be able to come home, to me. That he would at least be there to comfort me, and he wasn’t.
“Fucking jerk bitch motherfucker,” I mumble, pushing the front door key into the lock of my new apartment and turn it. Walking over the threshold and dropping my bag on the counter just inside the door. Closing the door, I lean back against it and close my eyes. Breathing through my nose to stop the burning behind my eyes.
“Cairo.” A soft voice comes from behind door, and I freeze. Taking a deep breath. “Will you open the door?
“No.” It’s soft, but it’s there.
