Page 97 of On My Side
Audrey
now you’re talking to me?
Ren
guess so.
Audrey
can you not play games with me, ren?
Ren
sucks to have someone treat you like a toy, doesn’t it?
I watch Audrey stare at her phone after I send the last message, her face falling even more before she looks up at me. She shakes her head the same way I picture her shaking her head at Piper when she’s not mad, just disappointed, and pockets her phone.
Ren
i’m sorry, that was a shitty thing to say
Delivered.
I exhale shakily and take another glass of champagne from a waiter, thanking them. I keep my phone in my hand, willing Audrey to text back.
I take a swig before walking over to Jo and Hunter to congratulate them. Jo is wearing black, like she always does, and Hunter is wearing a Barbie pink sparkly dress that makes her look like a human-sized disco ball.
I, as a dutiful younger brother, annoy Jo, and she attempts retaliation with a wet willy. I yelp and jump away at her wet finger in my ear, causing champagne to slosh out of the flute and onto my shirt, and me to drop my phone. Jo bends to grab it, but I beat her to it.
“That’s shady,” Hunter says, eyeing me suspiciously.
Why does everyone think I’m being weird tonight?I’m usually much better at pretending I’m fine, I’m really losing my touch.
“It’s not,” I argue. “If she was your sister, you wouldn’t want her touching your personal belongings, either.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, Lorenzo?” Jo asks, planting her hands on her hips and glaring at me menacingly. I try to pat the top of her head, but she swats at my hand and pulls away.
“Don’t worry about it,” I reply. “I’m proud of you.”
Jo’s come so far from the depressed and closeted teenager who had my parents worried sick. Within the last year, she survived a failed engagement, reunited with a childhood love who turned out to be the love of her life, and she’s thriving in a business she worked hard to build.
She’s also the reason I decided to go to therapy. I was home from college for Thanksgiving one year, and she’d had three glasses of merlot. She was talking about how mom and dad made her go to therapy in high school because she was depressed. I asked how she knew she was depressed, and she told me she didn’t realize the symptoms weren’t normal. When she listed out a bunch of them, there were so many of the same things I was struggling with. Since my scary big sister did therapy, I thought I might give it a try, too.
Jo was the first of our siblings to come out as queer, and it shook up our entire family dynamic. In a good way, but change, even positive change, isn’t always easy or painless. Since then, Nic and Alex have come out as bi, and Millie’s out as pan, making half of us openly queer.
Then there’s me, demi and pan but not knowing if I’ll ever come out to my family. While I’m sure they would be fine with it, I feel like I’ve spent too long perfecting this persona I have with them. I can’t reveal anything that might jeopardize how they perceive me.
I deposit my empty champagne flute onto a tray and head to the bathroom to clean myself up. I dab at my shirt with a dampened paper towel, relieved to see I hadn’t spilled too much on myself. I put my suit jacket back on and look in the mirror. This is the Ren I want people to see, the one without flaws.Perfectly dressed, no tattoos visible. I don’t recognize myself, because I’d become comfortable being myself around Audrey.
Audrey.
The idea of being in the same room again sounds like hell, so after fixing my hair, I head to the baby grand in the lobby. I sit on the bench and flex my fingers before placing them over the keys and starting to play. I don’t know what I’m playing, and there’s no rhyme or reason to it. I used to do this a lot, usually when my feelings got too big, or I had my heart broken. I let my emotions guide me in the music.
So that’s what I do with these too big feelings, this all-encompassing heartbreak. It feels like the notes dance around me, a devastating number, and for a moment, I’m not in the lobby of an inn. I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not. I simplyexist.
“Birdie?”
I still when her voice breaks through my trance, and I’m violently yanked back to reality when I see Audrey frozen by the front desk. She stops in her tracks when our eyes meet.
