Page 45 of Grit
“Because it’s my responsibility.”
“Even when other people are offering to help?”
“I have to do it myself.”
“Why?”
“Because I have to prove that I can!” Tears sprang into her eyes. “If I don’t, then… they’ll be right. The plan didn’t work. And Calvin died for nothing. It would have been better if he stayed with his family and never married me!”
“What?” Cary grabbed her shoulders. “What are you even saying? You think it’s your fault he died in a car accident?”
She said nothing.
“Melissa, what the hell are you thinking?”
She swallowed hard and the tears came fast. “They don’t have fog in Paso Robles. Not like here. The truck would have seen him.”
“Dammit, Melissa.” Cary pulled her into his chest and hugged her so hard if she was anyone else, she might have broken. “You know that’s not rational. Youknowit.”
“I tell myself that.” Her voice was muffled against his chest. “But every time I see Bev, I just hear her, over and over, what she said after the funeral…”
Damn, he’d forgotten all about that. Beverly had railed at Melissa, shouting at her for insisting on living in the country, living on the ranch. She had blamed Melissa for Calvin’s death, even when Melissa had been shattered.
“Calvin’s mom never should have said that. There’s no excuse for it.”
“But Cary, she lost her baby. I don’t know what I’d do or say if anything happened to Abby. I can’t even think about it because it takes me to such a dark place that—”
“Shhhh.” He kissed the top of her head. “Stop. Don’t even let the thought enter your head.” Cary held her for a long time, rubbing her back and wishing that grief took a rational path. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d blamed himself for not being at the farm when his own father had passed.
“What happened to Calvin…” Cary ran a hand over Melissa’s hair. “Accidents are accidents, Missy. They happen everywhere. Marrying you? Living here? It didn’t cause anything. You know that.”
She wiped her eyes. “Most of the time I do.”
He held her for a long time, until her breathing evened out and her shoulders stopped shaking. “You know,” he said softly, “I still feel guilty I wasn’t on the farm when my dad died.”
Melissa pulled back and looked at him. “What?”
“I was at a growers’ conference in Texas. And even though I know it’s not logical, I still feel like… if only I’d been here.”
“‘If only’ is the devil’s chorus. That’s what my grandpa used to say.”
“If only I’d been at the farm and with my dad instead of being in Texas, maybe I could have gotten him to the hospital and saved his life.”
“If only Calvin and I had decided to live in Metlin and not Oakville after Abby was born.” Her smile was sad. “Lot shorter trip to the store when you run out of milk.”
“He was going out for milk?”
“Yep.”
“Damn.” Cary sighed. “If only I’d bugged my dad about going to the doctor to get regular checkups, we would have known he had a heart condition.”
She sighed and laid her head on his chest. “If only I hadn’t insisted on buying a white truck because they’re cooler in the summer.”
“If only I had listened when my mom started talking about Dad’s dizzy spells.” He kissed the top of her head. “Come here.”
Cary walked backward to the bed, Melissa still in his arms. “Sit.” He sat on the bed and leaned against the headboard, settling Melissa between his legs. “Times like this, I really do wish this room was big enough for a couch.”
She sniffed. “It’s okay. I already know you’re trying to get me into bed.”
