Page 22 of Night's Reckoning
“Calm down,” Beatrice said. “Just talk to me.”
“I could go back to school.” He felt his throat getting tight. “Get a normal job. Live here with Fabi. Go to the beach and get a tan and sleep at night like a normal fucking human, you know?”
He walked into his bedroom, shut the door, and locked it. Then he sat on the bed, still holding on to the phone and his aunt’s image, six thousand miles away.
“I’m listening,” Beatrice said.
He took a hard breath. “I don’t know if I want to live like this anymore.” His voice was quiet. “I don’t know if I can.”
Beatrice waited to speak for a long time. “Is it because she’s gone? Be honest.”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “I can’t keep living in this… limbo. Not knowing who or what I am. Not knowing what I am to her.” He shook his head. “I can’t. It’s not fair.” He laughed a little. “I know life isn’t fair.”
“Life isn’t, but you get to pick who you allow in yours,” Beatrice said. “She’s our friend, Ben. And our ally. Whatever happened between you two—”
“I don’t want to talk—”
“Whateverhappened”—Beatrice said again—“is between the two of you. You have to do what’s right for you. Giovanni and I, we’re going to love you no matter what. Our relationship with Tenzin doesn’t depend on you. And vice versa. She’s our friend, but you’re our kid. Even though you’re not a kid anymore.” She poked at the screen. “Is that white in your beard?”
“Ha ha.” Ben rubbed the stubble that had grown out the past few days. “If I’m going grey, it’s her fault.”
“That wouldn’t surprise me.” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “She’s not an easy person to love.”
“I don’t…” He swallowed hard. “It’s not that.”
“Are you sure?”
She was feeding from him, and it was no gentle bite.
It was pleasure. It was pain. It was heaven and hell and she was drinking his blood and he wanted it. He wanted her to devour him. One hand moved from her ass to her breast and he squeezed. He swept his thumb over her erect nipple and turned his head so she could go deeper. His other hand gripped her hair, pulling her mouth from his neck. He could feel his flesh tear, but he ignored it, dragging her bloody mouth to his.
“Whatever it is,” he said. “It’s not love. I’ve seen what you and Giovanni have. It’s not that.”
“All relationships are different, Ben. Don’t compare yourself to us. That’s not fair to either of you.”
He pressed his fingers to his temple. “It doesn’t matter what I want, does it? Not really. She’s the one who ran away, and she’s the one who gets to call me back. She holds all the cards right now, and she knows it. It’s all about winning with her, and she won’t stop until she’s got me under her thumb.”
Beatrice said, “I know it feels like that, but don’t forget that you have your own reputation to carry. I know you’ve been working for Filomena. And for Emil. Don’t forget your power, but also don’t forget your responsibilities. Open the letters. Answer them and make all the right noises about apologies. Deal with whatever comes after, but don’t make yourself look like a petulant child. Understood?”
“Understood.” He looked up. “I really love you, B.”
“I really love you too.” She smiled. “You’ll make it through this.”
“I know.” He shut off his phone and tossed it on the bed.
Then he sat down at his desk, found the first letter from China, and broke the seal.
* * *
Fabi foundhim in the courtyard after the sun had set and his hand was sore from using his very best handwriting. Of course, the wine was helping with the sore hand.
“Hi.” She leaned against the archway leading from the street. “So you are very drunk.”
He leaned back in his chair and swapped out the vinyl on the old phonograph he’d found at a shop in Naples. “Not too drunk to change the record, and that’s what counts.”
“You were cutting back.” She walked over and lifted the record sleeve. “What got you feeling sentimental?”
It was a blue sleeve with an old jazz recording. “As Time Goes By” was echoing off the stone walls. Ben stood and grabbed Fabia around the waist. “Put the groceries down. Dance with me.”
