Page 136 of Fear the Flames
My lifeless steps carry me forward, gown dragging in the pools of blood between Ailliard and me until I finally reach him. I’m still in a daze when I drop to my knees into the puddle of hisblood. This isn’t how it was supposed to feel; killing him was supposed to feel good. I slowly reach my shaking hands forward and wrap them around the hilt of the knife. I tug once, but nothing happens. I pull it again, but I can’t remove it—I threw it too hard. I press down on his back, and blood oozes from his wound and coats my hands. It drips down the side of him and coats my thighs. I continue to tug on the knife, but the only thing that comes out of him is more blood.
There’s so much blood.
You’re just like your father.
You’re a monster.
You’re disgusting.
Ailliard’s voice replays in my head.
My head bows as another sob rips free from my throat. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “You shouldn’t have betrayed me. You shouldn’t have tried to kill Cayden. I told you I would kill you.” The tears flow out of me, and my body shakes so hard I feel my teeth chatter together. He wasn’t supposed to betray me. He wasn’t supposed to call me a monster and then force my hand. What else was I supposed to do? He was going to kill Cayden,my Cayden. I give up on the knife and turn him onto his side.
I deserve to face what I’ve done.
Stop crying, Elowen.
Grow up, Elowen.
Nobody will respect you if you get emotional, Elowen.
“Get out of my head.” I screw my eyes shut and bring my blood-covered hands up to cover my ears, but Ailliard’s verbal assault continues. His insults are branded into my memory, and the visual of his corpse is branded behind my eyelids.
Be stronger.
Be kinder.
Be better.
Ailliard’s criticism doesn’t relent.
I feel someone’s hands wrap around my wrists, and I snap my eyes open. Cayden’s concerned eyes bore into mine, but I shake my head when he tries to pull my hands away from my face. His face is splattered with blood. I try to make out what he’s saying, but I can’t focus on his lips. I can’t focus on anything; everything feels like it’s too much to process.
Ailliard’s betrayal.
Ailliard’s death.
Cayden’s treachery.
Cayden’s treachery.I rip my wrists out of his hold and shove him back. “You lied to me,” my voice is hoarse, and it feels like I’ve been screaming; maybe I have.
“Elowen, please,” Cayden comes into my space again, “let me take you back to our room, and we can talk.”
“No,” I shake my head. “Where’s Finnian?” I ask. “Where’s Finnian? Finnian!” I become frantic, whipping my head in all directions, trying to find him. A pair of strong arms spin me away from Ailliard’s lifeless body, and Finnian shoves my head into his neck.
“I’m right here, Ellie. Just breathe.” I suck in short, frantic breaths, but my head grows light from the lack of oxygen. Finnian runs a hand through my tangled hair, whispering that everything is okay. I fist his shirt and pull him closer, breathing in his scent, but nothing calms my rapid heart. I can’t hold it back anymore—I sob into his neck. I scream and sob until my throat burns. Tears soak his skin and leave fresh trails down my bloodstained face.
I pull my head back and search his eyes, “Please don’t be scared of me.”
“I could never be scared of you.” Tears trail down his face.
“I would never do this to you.” I try to turn back to Ailliard, but Finnian keeps his hands firm on my shoulders, preventing me from doing so. Ailliard’s words about choosing revenge over Finnian are fresh in my mind, repeating on a loop at a deafening volume. “Please, you must know I would never do this to you. I would never choose revenge over you. Ailliard didn’t love me, he…he…” My voice trails off, and Finnian wipes my tears with his fingers while cupping my face. His throat bobs, and tears spill out of his eyes.
“I know. You love me, and I love you. You’re not a monster, Ellie,” Finnian murmurs.
“He was running at Cayden’s back; I had to do it!” I hear a gasp followed by a sword clattering to the ground beside me, but I don’t turn my head away from Finnian.
“I know, darling.” I move my hands to wipe his tears, but my eyes snag on my blood-covered skin. The blood travels from my fingers to my elbows. It looks like I’m wearing crimson red gloves. I turn my hands around, taking them in before I let my eyes travel along the rest of my body. My silver dress is covered in blood; I’m covered in Ailliard’s blood. It pools around me, seeping into my soul, staining it more than it already is. My breathing picks up, and my stomach clenches painfully.
