Page 13 of Saddle Studs
Benny narrowed his gaze. His lashes were so damn long. I remember all the girls in high school always wanting to put mascara on him just to see how long they could get them. “No,” he said flatly. I laughed as he started to walk again, leading us toward the large barn. The doors were already open, hay forming a clean, crisp layer on the floor as we entered. A rake and a shovel were resting against the wall, next to shelves full of brushes and neatly rolled up towels. All of the stalls were empty. There was an earthy scent in the air. Nothing unpleasant, especially since I knew Benny kept these spaces spotless.
“Is it weird that I miss this barn smell? And that I prefer it over the subway during the summer?”
Benny chuckled at that. “Maybe some other people would think that’s weird, but I definitely don’t. I think you’re right, even though I’ve never ridden the subway. What’s it smell like?”
“Like ripe ass mixed with bottled up ball sweat and old gym socks.”
Benny’s face twisted into a grimace. “Gross. I can see why you’d like this more.”
We exited the barn and strolled out into a large grazing pasture where four different horses milled about, all of them living the absolute life. Their manes were shining, their coats glowing, their temperaments were chill. I could tell these horses weren’t just cared for, they were loved and doted on, and that was all thanks to Benny.
The moment he stepped out onto the pasture, the horses all perked up and started to make their way toward us. Benny handed me a carrot he had grabbed out of a nearby bucket. The sound of a happy trot made me look to the left, but I didn’t see anything—bump. I dropped my gaze. There was a horse at my side who only reached up to about mid-thigh. It greedily grabbed at the carrot in my hand and yanked it out of my grip. The mini-horse took a couple of embellished steps backwards, tossed its white mane in the air, and munched down on the carrot, throwing us what I could only describe as a side-eye.
“That would be Dennis,” Benny said, flashing his pearly white teeth in a big grin. “He’s the troublemaker of the ranch. He’s also the heart of it.”
“I think he gave me a bruise.” I rubbed at the spot on my thigh where he’d headbutted me.
“It’s his way of saying howdy… Sam, I’m being real here: you aren’t going to take him, are you?”
The genuine concern and worry in Benny’s tone made my heart clench. “Absolutely not. I swear on my life, Dennis isn’t going anywhere. I’m honestly not surewhyFrankie did what he did. I think leaving it all to you or one of your siblings would have been the easiest thing to do, but he always had an interesting sense of humor.”
“He was such a great guy. Heart of gold. And he always had the best words of advice. If he wasn’t a ranch manager, I always told him he could have been a killer therapist.”
“A killer therapist actually sounds like a pretty bomb TV show. Therapist by day, serial killer by night.”
“I’d watch it.”
I chuckled, bracing myself as Dennis finished his carrot and looked as though he was going to headbutt me for more. “Frankie had that air about him, too. You could just trust him. Like he knew what you needed to tell him before you ever said a word.”
“I agree,” Benny said. He smiled and offered me another carrot just in time, because Dennis looked like he was about to break into a run at any second. The worry that had flashed across his face was nowhere to be found. A mirage that shimmered away into nothingness. He was back to his relaxed, calm, peaceful self.
The Benny I’d always known.
The Benny I’d really fucking missed.
“Come,” he said, bending down and giving Dennis a kiss on the forehead. His shirt tipped forward and revealed a sliver of the tanned, slightly furry skin of his lower back. A thick white band peaked out from underneath his jeans. “Let’s finish up the tour so you can get settled in. I’m sure you’re tired.”
You don’t realize just how awake I am right now.
“Yeah,” I replied. “I could use a bed.”
Fuck,the exhaustion crept up on me sometime after meeting the last horse. I only spent about ten minutes in the shower before I felt the siren call of my bed reaching out through the thick steam. I dried off and put on my sleeping shorts, which would be coming off the second I got back into the bedroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my face and took a moment to look in the fog-streaked mirror.
I cocked my head and smiled.
Life could be so damn weird, couldn’t it?
Just last week I was doing the same thing, except I was staring at a puffy-eyed and depressed-as-fuck reflection, smile nowhere to be found. It was a moment that resembled something close to rock bottom for me. I realized that the light and life I normally exuded had been snuffed out somewhere between my relationship troubles and my career issues. I had felt like used gum, chewed up and spit out and desiccated in the dry air. Lonely and sad and drifting.
One day at Rainbow Ranch seemed to have cured all of that. Maybe it was the distance, or maybe it was my avoidant tendencies (sorry, Zack), but something—and I don’t want to be overly dramatic here—healedinside me the second I stepped out of my Uber and onto the ranch. Like my inner child had been waiting for this very moment to burst through the doors of my subconscious and fill me up with joy again.
Or maybe it was just being around Benny that did all the healing heavy lifting?
Benny, Benny, Benny.OhhhhhBenny.
Seeing him brought back so many memories and stirred up some residual emotions I thought were long,longgone. Bennyhad been the one who made me question everything when we were younger. I’d grown up with the same heterosexual rulebook he’d been raised with: Tonka trucks for Christmas, water guns for birthday parties, enrolled in baseball and basketball, always asked about possible girlfriends by every extended family member at every large gathering possible. And yet, somehow, someway, Benny broke out of the mold and realized he was made for a different set of rules. He came out to me when we were freshman in high school, and I immediately remember feeling the need to protect him.
The second emotion I felt was pride.
