Page 19 of Saddle Studs
Sky pushed off the wall. They gave Dennis a couple of head scratches before clapping their hands and waving. “I gotta go, I think Pris needed help in the garden.”
“See ya,” I said.
“If you want more, there’s plenty!” Benny pointed at the plate. “Left a bowl full of ‘em in the kitchen.”
Sky shouted another thanks over their shoulder and walked out of the barn, leaving me and Benny alone. I grabbed one of the mac and cheese balls and took a bite. Warm, sharp cheddar cheese melted together with a softer kind of cheese, coating a delicious mouthful of perfectly cooked noodles. The crisp of the breaded and spiced shell was the perfect way to balance and enhance an already perfect recipe.
“Damn,” I said, nodding, covering my mouth with a fist as I finished chewing my bite. “That’sreallyfucking good.”
“Thank ya, thank ya. I’m all done in the kitchen so I’m free to help you with whatever chores you’ve got left.”
“I’m done cleaning and mucking the stalls. Was just giving that extra food trough a good deep clean before we start using it again.” That wasn’t something that had been on my list of things to do but being here kicked off a drive to work around the ranch. I already offered to pay for my stay, but everyone refused to accept my money. I hated to be seen as a freeloader of any kind and so I wanted to make sure everyone knew I would at least work in exchange for a bed.
“Nice, thank you. You didn’t have to do that.”
I shrugged, swallowing another gooey, cheesy, crunchy bite. “Eh, I’ve got nothing else to do,” I said, and then, withoutoverthinking it, I added, “unless you have those video recs for me.”
Benny cocked his head, smile curling the corner of his lips.
Fuck it. I wasn’t going to pretend like nothing had happened between us. We weren’t skittish teenagers figuring shit out anymore. We were both grown men, with plenty of experience and confidence in own our actions.
And in own our desires.
“I wasn’t sure you still needed them.” He crossed his arms, which made his biceps bulge even more.
Shit. Was I an arms guy? I hadn’t really thought much of it. I knew I always found a woman’s ass to be the most attractive part of their body, did that change when it came to men? I wasn’t entirely sure. I mean, I also really fucking liked Benny’s ass, too, so… maybe not?
And what did any of this even mean in the first place? I wasn’t running from or fearful of the emotions Benny stirred in me—not I had the first time I felt these visceral sensations—but I still didn’t know how to deal with them. Did I surrender to the wave? Just lean into the connection? And what about our past?
A blade made of pure guilt stabbed through my chest. I had to apologize to him.
Benny’s dark eyes narrowed. “Honestly, the picture you sent has kept me pretty entertained.”
I chuckled at that, trying to hide the way my body really wanted to react to the mention of the photos we swapped—with a moan. “That was hot.”
“It was. I didn’t think… I guess I shouldn’t assume things are just like they used to be.”
“It’s weird. Nothing’s how it used to be, but it also feels likeeverything’show it used to be. I can’t really explain it.”
“You don’t have to,” Benny said. “I get it.”
Of course he did. Benny always got it. He always understood me. I set the plate down on the ledge of the empty stall next to me. “You know, Benny, I’ve been meaning to talk to you… about how I left. How I said things I never should have said. Acted in ways I really fucking regret. To this day, I still regret ever pushing you away. Seeing you fall backward, it’s a reoccurring nightmare of mine. Sometimes there’s nothing but empty space behind you. Those are the worst.” A swell of emotion lodged in my throat. I’d come a long way from the repressed and selfish kid I’d once been, but it scared me that I’d been capable of that to begin with. “I’m so sorry. I should have just respectfully explained why I couldn’t kiss you. Why I couldn’t be with you the way you wanted me to, the way you deserved. I was just so scared of—of bullshit, honestly. Of disappointing my parents, of turning toward sin. I was religious to a point of toxicity back then. It shaped some of my reactions. I’m sorry.”
Each word I spoke felt like applying soothing balm to a blistering sunburn. I couldn’t stay a day longer at Rainbow Ranch without getting this apology out. Especially not when I was flirting with the one person I’d been so terrified to even bat an eyelash toward when I was younger. We’d been best friends, always together, and that had made me extra alert to try and avoid any tiny action that could be misconstrued and kick up a whirlwind of nasty rumors.
What Ishouldhave been terrified of was losing the one person who I could fully be myself around.
Benny blinked in surprise. He clearly wasn’t expecting this, and if he was, what I said still caught him off guard. He smiled, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I really appreciate that, Sam, and I accept it. Seeing you wasn’t easy, I ain’t gonna lie. It brought up a whole lot of feelings I thought were buried. Some of those feelings were negative, just from how we left things.But you apologizing to me… it means a lot. And it makes those negative emotions kinda just… fade away.”
“Good,” I said. The space between us was shrinking. Was I moving toward him, or him moving toward me? I couldn’t quite tell. It was as though we’d both been caught inside each other’s orbit, being pulled closer and closer together.
“So, I guess what I’m wondering is—forget it, not my place to ask.”
“Ask,” I said. “You can ask me anything.”
His eyes locked with mine. He was thinking about it. I knew what he wanted to ask, and I was scared I wouldn’t have the answer for him.
But that didn’t matter. I knew I was in a place that was safe enough for me to figure it out.
