Page 38 of Saddle Studs
“How do you feel?” I asked. As wild and new as this all was for me, it must have been a hundred times more intense for Sam.
“I feel like a big piece of my map was chartered tonight.”
That made me smile wide. “Was it the gay valley that was mapped out? Or maybe the bi ravine?”
Sam took a moment to consider that. I could see the thoughts swirling inside those dreamy hazel eyes of his. I thought back to my coming out experience, how it was something I always knew about myself. The trick for me was getting other people to know it, too. But I could see how that process became infinitely more complicated if I wasn’t entirely sure of my identity to begin with.
I propped myself up on an elbow. “It’s okay if you don’t know yet,” I reassured him. I put a hand on his chest. His heart thumped and pumped.
“I think I do know. I mean, I guess I do know? I don’t know… I really did like being with the girls I dated, and I enjoyed the sex too. I alsoreallyfucking enjoyed sex with you. And, if I’m being honest, I’ve been watching more and more gay porn lately. I just really like dick.”
“The good news is that whether you’re bi, gay, or pan, it doesn’t matter, because no matter which one of those you are, you’ll still be inducted into thealphabet mafia.”
“Is that really a thing?”
“It is. We have a secret handshake and everything.” I mimed jerking off an invisible dick and having it spray cum all over my face before wiping off that invisible cum and holding my hand out for a handshake. I lifted my eyebrows and pointedly looked down at my empty hand.
Sam laughed some more and then mimicked my handshake, jerking off an air dick and having it come all over his face. He wiped it off and shook my hand.
“There you go,” I said, laughing along with Sam. “Now you’re an official member.”
“So having you balls deep in my ass wasn’t enough?”
“Nope, you needed the handshake. Congrats.” I rubbed my hand up and down Sam’s chest, feeling the soft hair he kept trimmed.
“Any advice on coming out? Insider tips?”
I huffed out a breath of air. “I wish I had some tips or tricks. Truth is, coming out is different for everyone, every time. And I meaneverytime. Sometimes people think coming out is one big moment and that’s it, you’re done. But it’s not. It’s not like a baby shower or a graduation. People don’t get shirts made or have confetti canons… although they should. That’d make it a whole lot better.
Coming out is something that happens over and over again. With the new barber you meet or with a cousin you haven’t seen in years or with a nosy neighbor. Does it get easier? Yes, it does. It becomes less of a statement, less of a thing. And as you get more comfortable with your identity, then other people pick up on the subtle clues you start to project and just figure things out themselves. Maybe you mention a boyfriend or a partner in a passing conversation, or maybe there’s a certain swish of your hip when you move across a room, or a little rainbow pin attached to your book bag. Coming out doesn’t have to always be a big dramatic thing, but—often times—the first couple coming outsarebig dramatic things.”
“Huh, I hadn’t really thought of it like that.”
“How, um… how are your parents? Do you think they have any idea?” I asked because I could recall how night-and-day different Sam’s parents were compared to mine. Sam’s parents, while very nice and caring, were much more introverted, rarely ever coming to the ranch even when there was an event going on or a dinner happening. His dad was a plumber, and his mom was a florist. They were also both extremely religious. I remember there being framed bible verses all throughout their house whenwe were younger, although we rarely ever hung out at Sam’s place. We’d always just hang out at the ranch.
“I don’t think they do. I don’t think I’ve given them any reason to think otherwise. My mom’s usually asking about who I’m going to be bringing around next. Telling them is going to be the hardest. I think it’s what’s stopped me.”
“How do you think they’re going to take it?”
“I think my dad will be okay. One of his best friend’s is gay, actually. But he lives in Spain, and they rarely ever see each other, but I know my dad loves him. I think my mom may be more difficult. She’s still heavily involved in the church, and she’s said some questionable things around me.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “If it’s worth anything, I think that, knowing Gina, she’ll totally come around. You’re her only child, and you’re a huge momma’s boy. She’ll understand. But I do get it. Religion does weird things to people. For some, it works as an antidote. And for others it’s a poison.”
“Ain’t that right,” Sam said. “I just don’t want to disappoint either of them, you know? Or have them look at me differently.”
“No matter what, you’re their son, that takes precedence over anything else. Your parents are good people. I think they may be shocked at first, but don’t mistake their processing for anger or hurt.”
Sam nodded at that. He closed his eyes, lips curled into a relaxed smile. “God, life is so weird, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” I said, matching his smile. “Very weird.”
“I’ll see if I talk to them soon. I’m done hiding, I’m done running. I just want to live the way I want to live. Why is that so difficult?”
“It shouldn’t be, and hopefully one day it won’t be difficult at all.”
“Hopefully,” Sam said. He gave a yawn and a long, drawn-out stretch before he curled back in, rolling on his side and pullingme into his arms. I wore the goofiest grin on my face. I was glad he couldn’t see me.
Wow, did this ever make me happy.Made me feel like the embodiment of a bubbly pop song that kept me dancing somewhere high up above the clouds. I’d wished for this moment since I was a teen, hanging out with Sam and trying my damndest to not let my attraction be known. And now here we were, cuddling naked together, the night stretching out before us.
