Page 40 of Saddle Studs
There was a pause. My stomach twisted. What the absolute fuck? Really? This had to be happeningnow?
And then she added, “It’s been hard for his family. Not because he’s gay, but because his dad just got laid off. Everything hit at once.”
I didn’t breathe. It was as if an invisible hand smacked itself over my nose and mouth, clamping my airways shut.
“Oh,” I said, voice thin. “That’s… a lot.”
“It is. It’s just—these kids today, they go through so much. I told your father, ‘Thank goodness Sammy never gave us any of that kind of stress.’ It made me so grateful to have you as a son. The love of my life.”
And there it was.
The sentence landed like a punch in the sternum, cracking the tough bone into a hundred different pieces. I didn’t even know what to say. The air felt colder all of a sudden, like the sun had taken warmth with her on the way out. Suddenly winter had come months ahead of schedule.
“Right,” I said. “Of course.”
“I just… can’t imagine how hard it must be for those parents, trying to adjust to something like that. And with everything else going on.” Then static burst through the phone before my mom’s voice cut back in. “—Gay, of course.”
“Right, of course,” I said. I stared out toward the pasture, where a familiar silhouette moved near the far side of the fence.
Benny.
He was helping Pris carry a bag of fertilizer toward the barn, laughing about something, his voice carrying faintly in the stillness. He looked so comfortable. Like he belonged here. Like he was building a life full of things that mattered. Free to be free, not to feel like a burden.
And for a second, I thought that I could belong too.
But that sentence echoed again. Like the shockwaves of a massive bomb.
Thank goodness Sammy never gave us any of that kind of stress.
I winced, sucking in a breath. This was a reminder that life was never easy. “Listen, I should go. Give Dad a hug for me.”
“Of course, sweetheart. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I hung up and stared at the screen for a few seconds before tucking the phone into my back pocket.
My stomach felt hollow. Like someone had scooped out all the joy I’d collected in the past week and left nothing but a dull and gray void in its place. Empty space. White noise.
I’d been so foolish. Leaving the city and coming to Rainbow Ranch had made me feel like I was living in a bubble. But the world didn’t function like that. No one lived in a bubble.
I turned back toward the fence line, just as Benny looked up and spotted me.
He waved. I waved back, weakly, trying to gather my breath, trying to pull the panic back down from the edges of my chest. This was fucked up. I’d made a mistake.
He’d felt so good inside me.
I wanted him again.
I couldn’t have him.
I fucked up.
And then he started walking toward me. I wanted to run.
He reached me fast, his hands still dirty with flecks of dirt and fertilizer. “Hey,” he said. “You good? You kinda looked like you saw a ghost.”
“I’m fine,” I lied through my damn teeth.
