Page 42 of Saddle Studs
Except maybe the sky itself was falling.
I swung open the gate to the pasture, the hinges creaking loudly into the night. Juniper lifted her head and twitched her ears. I didn’t even have to start walking toward her before she turned and made her way to me. Her coat had an almost ethereal shine to it underneath the moonlight. I ran a hand through her mane. She gave me a curious whinny and bumped her snout into my side.
I wrapped my arms around her neck, burying my face in her hair, and started to cry. The sound was stifled by Juniper, thank God. I didn’t want this display of weakness to be witnessed by anyone, especially not by Sam.
He caused this. He wrapped me up in his arms only to push me off a ledge. Right when I started to feel comfortable—hopeful—about what was taking root between us. It was the same thing that happened back when we were kids trying to figure it all out. Except that time, he had quite literally pushed me, so I guess there were some signs of growth after all?
Juniper whinnied some more, huffing in concern. She didn’t move, though. She knew that what I needed most in that moment was a shoulder—or horse—to cry on. That’s what I loved most about these animals. They were the most intuitive beings I’d ever been around, knowing when someone was fearful, happy, angry, or absolutely and totally fucking heartbroken. Horses understood emotions more than some people understood their ABCs.
Magical creatures. We didn’t deserve them.
Why did I deserve this?
Why did Sam break my heart?
Why couldn’t he love me? Why couldn’t he love himself?
A particularly lung-twisting sob escaped. Juniper must have gotten worried because she took a couple steps back so she could look at me, her saucer-like honey brown eyes searching mine. Irested my forehead against hers. “It’s okay. I’m alright, girl. At least I will be.”
“Of course you will be.”
“Ah! Oh, fuck!” I almost launched myself into space from the fright Boone had given me. He stopped right where he stood, eyes wide, scared at my reaction.
“Sorry,” Boone said. “Shoulda announced myself.”
“No, that’s fine. I shouldn’t have let my guard down.”
“Ah, right. You shouldn’t have let your guard down at your family ranch surrounded by people you love and animals you care for.”
“Sometimes it’s the people you love who can do the most damage.” The words sound like they came from someone else’s mouth. Was I disassociating? Was this the moment I snapped, packed a bag, and turned into a burly forest man living far away from society?
Maybe. But probably not, I liked having electricity too much.
“Whoa,” Boone said. His gaze filled with concern as his eyebrows knit together. He put a hand on my elbow. “What happened?” He must have just realized the tears streaking down my face weren’t from sweat.
“I stubbed my toe,” I said.
“Right, and I’ve got the pope kissing my ass.”
I chuckled at that. A saying our dad loved to use whenever something was unbelievable to him.
“It’s nothing.” Of course, that was another lie, and my brother damn well knew it. He could always see through whatever fabrications I was creating in order to throw him off the trail of the truth. He crossed his arms, covering the flour that dusted the front of his plaid shirt. He must have been making a fresh batch of buns for tomorrow. “It’s Sam,” I relented. I knew this would be going nowhere.
“What happened? Is he okay?”
I shrugged. I wish I knew. I wanted to know. I wanted to run after him and tell him it’d be alright, to soothe him, to hold his hand and comfort him. To kiss him.
Fuck, I really,reallyliked kissing him. But he pushed me away again.
“He’s fine. I just… I started to fall for him again, Boone. Or maybe I’d never stopped falling for him. But he never even started falling for me. He basically told me the same thing he said to me back when we were seventeen, that he’ll never be able to give me what I want. He’s straight, or at least he won’t come out, and it’s dragging us both under.”
“Oh Benny, that is not the story I wanted to hear about the two of you.”
“Same,” I replied. Juniper still stood by my side, flicking her ears. Her attention was pinned on me. “I knew him coming back here was a bad idea.”
Boone sighed, his lips pursed. He chewed on his thoughts for a moment. Likely parsing through the nicest ways to tell me to just move on already. To learn from my mistakes and not let something like this happen ever again.
“You two deserve a chance.” Leave it to my big brother to know how to surprise me. “It breaks my heart to hear that you’re hurting. And if it were anyone else, I’d be more wary of telling you this. But I’ve seen how you and Sam look at each other. It’s similar to how Wylie used to look at me, with that silent but alsoloudkind of want. Where it’s obvious to everyone but us. Not only that, but I’ve sensed such a shift in you since he got here.”
