Page 43 of Saddle Studs
“I’ve felt it, too. And that’s what makes this even worse. I can’t drag him out of the closet. I don’t want to do that to him, but I also don’t want to be collateral anymore.”
“And I don’t want that for you, either. Could this be maybe this last step on his way to coming out?”
I shook my head. I could see the barn over Boone’s shoulder, the light on and shining against the dark sky. Was Sam still there? Should I go and look for him?
I’ll never love you.
The memory slashed through me. It was blurred at the edges but still sharp enough to cut through skin. He’d said that the first time this ever happened, when he pushed me so I fell flat on my ass.
He’d been telling the truth back then.
I should have believed him.
I dried my cheeks with my palm. Sadness was beginning to be replaced with an ember of anger. I’d been played a fool. I fucked up by letting my guard down. “No,” I said. “I don’t think it is. If he can’t feel safe coming out here, at Rainbow Ranch, then he isn’t going to feel safe ever coming out.”
“That’s not necessarily true. Maybe you were the one helping him step closer to his true self.”
“But is it my responsibility to walk him to the rainbow?”
“Of course not,” Boone said. “Your responsibility is to simply be there as a friend. As a support system. Do you think you can do that?”
I dropped my gaze. The weight on my chest was heavy. “I don’t think I can. We’ve already blurred too many lines. I can’t see him as just a friend.”
Boone nodded. “What does your heart tell you, Benny?”
“That I need to get on my Delta app and book the first flight out of here.”
Boone’s soft gaze sharpened. “Running away from this isn’t going to solve it.”
Juniper gave a grunt of agreement. Great, now they were ganging up on me.
“Then what do I do?”
“Give it the night,” Boone said. “Let everyone sleep on what happened. Then, when the day is new, you two get together and have a deep heart-to-heart. Talk through everything. And I meaneverything. Let him feel safe and let him know that you’ll help him, but you also won’t hurt for him. He needs to be respectful of you, too. He can’t string you along. He has to face it with you, and then he can slowly come out to everyone else.”
I rubbed at the bridge of my nose. As if it were some kind of pressure valve that would release all this built-up anxiety inside me. “What if he can’t? What if he can’t ever come out?”
“Do you remember when you came out?”
“Of course I do. I sent a text message to the family group chat saying I was going to marry Tom Cruise, and no one was going to stop me.”
Boone chuckled at that. “Your obsession withMission Impossiblewas slightly concerning.”
“Yeah, that was weird. Now Tom gives me the ick.”
“Same,” Boone said with a wink. “But your experience, that ease with which you came out, it’s a blessing not everyone experiences. Sometimes we live in this perfect little gay bubble here and we forget that people on the outside are still living under the shadow of absolute queer shame. We were lucky that Ma and Pa kept all of that shit away from us. They helped us grow, find ourselves, they encouraged us to be true.”
“They were the best.”
“They really, really were. But they were also rare. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that kind of support, and some people have the complete opposite. I don’t know Sam’s situation, but I have to assume that his family may have something to do with it. At least from what I remember when you both were younger. Just give Sam a little more grace, a little more time. Talk to him tomorrow.”
I filled my lungs with the fresh night air. From here I could see Sam’s bedroom window, the curtains drawn and the lights on. He must have gone back inside. The anger in my chest flickered away, unable to take hold. Boone was right. I had to understand that Sam was fighting a battle I could hardly understand. He struggled between his family values, society’s judgmental glare, and his own ingrained prejudices.
“Thanks, Boone-dawg. You’re right. I think we just need to get some sleep and tackle this tomorrow.”
Juniper gave another grunt and a stomp of her foot. We both looked at her for a silent moment before laughter filled the air. She flicked her tail and held her head up high as if saying,duh, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
“Be kind to yourself, Benny. You’re a catch and Sam is lucky to have you in his life. Give him the space to see that.”
