Page 46 of Saddle Studs
Wait… why was Sam coming closer? The pasture was on the other side of the driveway. If he was waiting for a ride, he should be walking the opposite direction.
Shit. Crap. Donkey dick. He was going to see me crying.
I turned away and made myself extremely interested in whatever Dennis seemed to be rooting around for. Was he coming to say goodbye? Was hetryingto make this moment as difficult as possible? I’d broken in horses from abusive situations that had better sense of what was right and wrong. Why couldn’t he just vanish into the night and never be heard from again? Would that make this easier?Probably not. But then again, what fucking would? If he wanted to leave, then that’s what he had to do.
Go. Just go, Sam.
“Benny…”
His somber voice cut through the air. Sounded like a distant cousin coming up from behind me at my parents’ funeral, wishing to pay respects but not knowing exactly how.
I didn’t turn around. I was sure that my eyes were still glossy from the tears. Juniper must have sensed something was up, because she gave a huff and walked away—but not far, and still kept me in her line of sight. “Weren’t you supposed to be leaving?”
“I am… I was.” A hand on my elbow made me jump. I moved forward and turned around. Sam looked like he’d just touched an oven. He held his hand against his chest as if it were burnt.
“Don’t touch me,” I said in a low voice, my gaze breaking for the ground. “I don’t want you to touch me right now.” I parroted the same words he had said to me. They were empty on my end, but they seemed to have hit hard with Sam. His big blue eyes opened wide, his lips following the same shape as he tried searching for words.
“That’s not… I didn’t mean… Fuck, Benny. Fuck.” Sam let go of his suitcase and rubbed his face. The suitcase tipped over and fell on its side with a heavy thump. Sam didn’t make a move to pick it up. “I regret ever saying that. I do. I was wrong. I’d always been wrong. Pushing you away waswrong. And I’ve known the right answer all this time, I just refused to see it. I was too scared because then it’d mean I have to accept a part of myself that used to scare me.”
I crossed my arms, absorbing every word he said, even though a veil of shock was making it a little difficult. He was speaking in the past tense. As if he’d changed his mind about us. Could that really be the case? This wasn’t some messed up joke, or a sick fever dream?
I decided to test it. “What did we do for my thirteenth birthday?”
Sam paused, cocked his head. Ha. If he didn’t know the answer, then I’d have to assume this was either a dream— or reality had been by some kind of romance-loving alien that took over Sam’s body.
“We had our first solo camping trip. Felt like adults until I saw a massive, hairy-ass spider in my sleeping bag and refused to stay.”
“Good thing the walk back to the ranch was only five minutes.”
“Then we were in the living room having leftover cake and watchingSouth Parkon a low volume so your parents wouldn’t hear.”
I laughed at that warm memory. “You know, it’s the small spiders you should worry about, right? Their venom has to be strong to kill the bigger prey.”
“Yeah, well… spiders big enough to hold guns also scare the shit out of me.”
That got a deep belly laugh from me, which surprised me. I hadn’t expected this goodbye to turn into a laugh-fest.
Sam cocked his head. “Why are you asking about your thirteenth birthday?”
“Because you sound like an android. Wanted to make sure you were really you.”
Sam narrowed his eyes. It was his turn to laugh. “You’ve been watching too many sci-fi shows. I’m definitely real. And everything I’m saying, everything I’m feeling, that’s also real.”
“What are you feeling?” I ventured, still unsure of where this conversation was truly headed. I felt like I was wrangling cattle, my lasso circling above my head as I lined up my throw.
“I’m feeling regret for treating you the way I had. Sad that I’ve been living only a half-truth. Upset that I wasted so much time being scared and running away when all I needed to do was come back home to be happy.” He reached for my hand. I didn’t move away this time. “So that I could do this.”
And before I could even realize what was happening, Sam’s lips were on mine. The suddenness—the rawness—of the kiss made it messy, my hat falling off my head. I stepped backfor balance before I leaned in. I grabbed Sam’s hips as our tongues swirled. So many questions swirled with them, but I ignored that. Sam had initiated this kiss. He had wanted it, same way I wanted it. My body was a firework, one of those you only see at Disney World. Massive, multi-colored, magical. The explosions sizzled through me, the ground underneath my feet disappearing as we floated up toward the cloudless night sky.
We broke for air. The moment was heavy, silent. Sam rested his forehead against mine. His eyes were shut, his lips shining. “I’m sorry,” Sam said. “For everything. I was going to leave today. I had a ride coming to pick me up, but I cancelled it. I don’t want to run anymore. I want you. And I don’t care who knows it. I want to hold your hand at dinner, want to kiss you goodnight, want to skinny dip with you in the creek. I want to take you to the city, want you to take me to a race. I want to do it all with you.”
How could this not be a dream? This was too perfect. It was a moment I’d wanted ever since I’d fallen in love with Sam all those years ago. Except it had always felt like a fantasy I needed to let go of. Far too good to ever become true.
“I found this letter,” Sam said, reaching into his pocket, one hand still holding mine. “It’s from Frankie.”
He handed the folded paper to me. “Can I read it?”
Sam nodded, his eyes focused on my lips. There was a glow behind them that I don’t remember being there before. I unfolded the letter and read it. My jaw dropped once I reached the end.
