Page 99 of Nothing Less than Magic
“Then welcome to Suckatopia, also known as the real world.”
“You’re not being a whole lot of help.”
“Look, I don’t have a PhD in psychology, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you’re going through some shit after the accident. And it only stands to reason that you’re evaluating your life. My suggestion to you is that you don’t make any big decisions right now. Don’t they say to wait a year? I’d wait a year.”
She’s right, that’s what “they” say, though a year sounds so arbitrary. How will I be different in a year than I am now? What I learned most from the accident is that every day is precious and that you shouldn’t waste a minute of it. But one bad decision, and I could be throwing away a career I worked hard to build. Lolly’s right; I need to think about this long and hard.
“Are you still there?” she says.
I sigh, exhausted from thinking too much. “I’m here. I guess I should go up.”
The rain seems to have tapered off. I can no longer hear it pounding the overhang.
“What are you planning to do?” she asks.
“What you said. Wait.”
“It’s probably the right decision. But hell, what do I know?”
“No, you’re right. I’ve been through a traumatic experience. My mojo is off. I’ll get it back,” I say, hopeful.
“You will. I’ve got to go, so don’t do anything stupid.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, run off with the mailman. Or give yourself bangs. You look awful with bangs.”
“Thanks. You’ve been incredibly helpful,” I tell her.
“I know. You’re welcome.”
I catch the elevator, which is empty and smells like Indian food. It stops in the lobby, and a young couple gets on. I can tell from their body language that they’ve been fighting. He’s trying to hold her hand, and she keeps pulling it away. Her eyes are puffy like she’s been crying, and his are pleading. And I wonder what he’s done. Or what she thinks he’s done.
The door slides open on my floor, and I squeeze by them to get out, though I’m tempted to slip them my business card. There was a time before best-selling books, TED Talks, and inspirational calendars, when my greatest joy was helping people fix what was broken in their relationships. One on one. Before it was one size fits all.
Despite the rain and the cold, the apartment feels stuffy. And claustrophobic. And although I have a spectacular view of the Bay Bridge, I miss looking out a window and seeing the lake. Or the geese. I miss the Canadian geese that are supposed to fly south but never seem to leave. I miss watching them dabble in the shallow end of the water with their butts in the air.
I open the slider a crack for air and hear the rain hit the balcony. It’s only spitting now, but the dampness feels good, like renewal.
There’s a message on my phone. Probably Austin wanting me to choose between sandwiches and pizza. But when I play the message, it’s Ronnie.
“Just checking to see how you’re doing. You seemed . . . Call me.”
I hit redial, and she answers on the second ring. “Sorry I rushed out like that. I didn’t mean to leave you in the lurch. It just all became overwhelming.”
“No worries,” she says. “I just wanted to make sure everything is okay.”
“Everything is fine.” But the thing is, I don’t think it is. It’s like I’m stuck in a rut and can’t get out. That every time I hit the pedal, my wheels keep spinning, but nothing happens.
“I know it’s a lot. No one would blame you if you wanted to take a little more time. We can book in summer.”
“No, no. It was just a moment of panic. I’m sure tomorrow will be better.”
“Alright,” she says. “Hey, Chels, I hope you don’t think this is out of line, but maybe you should see someone. I only say this because . . . never mind. I’m definitely out of line.”
“Because why? Go ahead and say it. You won’t offend me. You’re worried that I’m a whack job now, sending you in search of people who don’t exist, staring off into space because I’d rather be in a coma instead of here.”
“Oh God, not a whack job. Come on. I just see you struggling, and who wouldn’t after what you’ve been through? I’m sure you have a list of people, but if you’d like, I could make the appointment for you.”
