Page 37 of UnWholly Angels
Long nights and away games. Every time, we snuck past the warden to make our way to the roof. Never forgetting the hotchocolate. So. Much. Hot. Chocolate. The thought caused me to giggle sadly. Riley had everything he’d ever worked for and anything someone could ask for. However, he had always tucked his feelings a little deeper each time something happened back when we were kids, and I could only imagine what had gone on in the years we’d been apart to make him so…cold…cold enough to even entertain the thought of throwing me off a fucking roof.
A clank and the sound of running water from another area caused me to drop the jersey quickly and move toward the sound quietly. Not wanting to make any noise, I tiptoed, my shoes rubbing against the carpet softly as they dragged against it. The thought came to mind that it wouldn’t be him, making the scenario incredibly awkward, or that I was followed here.
The games need to stop.
“Why did you lie to me?” I whispered to myself.My hand rested on the wall, curling my slender fingers around the corner, peeking at the familiar silhouette. A small smile crept across my face. There he was with his back to me as the water shut off and breaths of relief left his lips. His muscles rippled against his back, relaxing against the steaming water the further he slid down the jetted tub.
“Oh my god,” he moaned. In that moment, the sound created a sweet rhythm in my head, and I wanted—no, needed to hear it again. I stopped behind him, ready to spill my heart out, hoping he would accept me for who I'd become and not who I'd been when we were young. I refused to keep doing this push and pull.
“Riley?” My heart clenched when he wouldn’t answer, and I relented. He needed to hear this, and I needed him to know.“I know it’s been some time, but I need you to know that you made me so upset when you said those horrible things to me. Calling me sloppy seconds when you have a multitude of skeletons in your own closet. I'd never bring those up in a heated argument for a low jab, though. It’s just been eating at me.”
“Riley, seriously?” Barreling over to his half naked form, my shoulders immediately fell, seeing the black headphones that sat in his ears, and his eyes were closed. They blinked blue, signaling they were in use and that he was most likely completely unaware that I just attempted to pour my heart out.
Clicking my tongue against the roof of my mouth, I snatched the piece of tech from his ear, throwing it into the water. More tears spilled over, and I opened my mouth to speak, fighting for something, anything to come out.
“What the fuck?” he asked surprised, although it was hard to miss the worry he carried in the crease of his forehead when he saw my rapidly reddening face. “Why are you here and crying? Who made you cry?”
Nerves crept up, bile rising in my throat as he stayed seated in the same position, surprised that I was here. “How’s practice going? Hmm? Because I only seem to see you here.”
I walked closer to the steaming tub where he was now attempting to get out. I didn’t think so. Placing my palm to his chest, I lightly pushed him, sending him back into the water. “No, Riley Angel Kingston. You are going to sit there and listen to what I have to say, because I am done with this vicious back and forth. You either love me or you don’t. Right now, I just feel like a trauma bond in your jersey, that you fuck, and not often, may I add. I want to fuck so much more than you give me, it’s frustrating trying to figure you out!” I threw my hands in the air, unafraid to belt everything out so we could start with a clean slate.
“I stay so fucking quiet, Riley, especially when it comes to your father. There is so much I need to say.” My voice trailed off, giving him space to protest, but all he did was raise an annoyed brow and through his own hand out, telling me to continue.
“I could’ve said that you were a fool to idolize a man who chose to drink over being a father and husband.” Faster, I rolledmy shirt between my fingers, not knowing where this would go. “How could you say someone who beat you and threw you into the darkness was a good father? Newsflash, he wasn’t. You shouldn’t have learned to make friends with the demons in your closet. You were not meant for the darkness, Riley.”
Clearing his throat, he shifted, but still, no words. I could see the redness of his corneas, holding back tears. Spurring on, the words flew from me, and there was no stopping them. “Why your abandonment issues plague you in adulthood. You’re so scared of being alone that sometimes even Nicholas doesn’t have a moment to breathe. I promise you, none of us are going anywhere, but you just shut down and push everyone away. For two years, I watched you climb a slippery slope, and instead of reaching for the people you love, you’d rather drown in a bottle of booze. That’s why you hide from your first name, isn’t it? Well, Riley, you can’t escape your father if you continue to walk in his footsteps. And I won’t become your mother. You. Will. Not. Break. Me. Believe me, if youeverraise a hand to me, I will drain your bank account and disappear.Test me.”
His eyes were as large as saucers, and his Adam's apple bobbed each time he swallowed. If I were anyone else, I’d be dead right now; that was for sure. My bottom lip quivered as I wiped at the tears that blurred my vision.
Keep going, Maya. You need this. You deserve this.
“How about the fact that I ate my way in peppermint sticks because no matter how many times I brushed my teeth, or ate different foods, I couldn’t get the taste of other men out of my mouth? I’m no whore, but you keep making subtle jabs about it. Cut it out! Running was a final attempt at a life outside of the abuse I've suffered. The weight of everything I’ve suppressed over time. Years and years of pretending I was fine to spare everyone else's feelings or to remain strong for the younger kids when we were in that god forsaken place.”
I was pacing next to him now and running my hands through my hair in frustration. “Riley, I don’t know how…look, I’m afraid if I become too vulnerable, too weak, there won’t be anything for you to fall in love with; I'd be a shell.”The tears flowed freely now, partly in sadness, but mostly in anger.He hates me for bringing up his father.“The flawed, dirty version of me is disgusting and the things I’ve been forced to do. Riley, I can’t have kids,” I finally admitted. Here we go, this would be a make it or break it moment. His silence was starting to become scary. He always fought me back, but it was refreshing getting the respect I demanded. “Chloe,” I sniffed. “Chloe helped me sign off on a hysterectomy. Some of those scars on my abdomen are from that. I promised myself I wouldn’t put myself in a situation where I would need to protect both of us or have a threat looming that Rocco would take my child as punishment. I did it because it was supposed to be you, and if I was never going to see you again, then I accepted never bearing children, and guess what, I am still okay with being the cool aunt. There is no shame in it.”
I couldn’t tell where his head was at right now, but his eyes never left mine. If I lost him because of this, then I would have to live with it. My nails dug into my sweaty palms as he shifted once more, parting his lips to speak.
“Well, it’s a good thing I would be a terrible father then. Whether or not you give me children never mattered, and we are far from ready to even have that conversation. Keep going, let it all out for me,” he said almost encouragingly. He wanted to show me that I had a safe space.
“I-I’m…I’m scared of Rocco separating us again. It’s not about the drugs or what I did with them. These games he plays, he’s waiting to find a weak point, and then he will strike. I’m tired of living in fear. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to lose you, Riley, never again. But I know right now, if I’m not strong for myself,I’ll fall apart when I don’t have anyone.” My voice cracked as the rattled sobs caused my body to shake uncontrollably. “Please help me. It’s so exhausting being strong all the time…for everyone. I just want to be safe. I wantusto be safe.”
My breath caught in my throat, trying to calm my nerves. My body was buzzing and clammy with what he might think of everything that spilled from me like vomit, or if he would even believe me—nobody else had. My eyes widened, and a more profound sadness entered my heart, piercing it like the sharpest knife. He didn’t move.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “This was a bad idea, sorry.” In a flash, the water splashed around and spilled over the sides as he jumped out quickly. My ears perked, hearing the droplets fall from his body to the floor as he took large strides behind me.
“Maya, fucking wait one second. Please don’t leave.”
Hurriedly, I attempted to leave, picking up the pace and not caring that his once neat bag lay on the bench, open and rifled through. As my hand grazed over the door handle, I felt his hand twist in my hair and pull my body flush against his chest. The cold air caused goosebumps to rise against his heated skin, and I felt every single one.
Using his hold, he twisted me around. Now, I faced him completely, eyes trained on the floor as he spoke. “Look into my eyes, Maya. You are safe.”
My jaw clenched, refusing to say another word as he stared at me with softening features. I wanted to believe him, tell him how much I loved him; it was sitting right there at the base of my throat. I shouldn’t be so scared for him because I know he can handle himself. The truth was, I never knew if it was Riley or someone else when I got a call. I was subconsciously waiting for the day I got a call that Riley was dead. Call me obsessed, but when he wasn’t in my sight, I lost it. How could I protect him when he was lying about something as simple as practicerunning late? He could have been honest about needing time to himself.
“Hey, I didn’t say look away.” While his hand twisted in my hair, the other found its way under my chin, forcing my head up to meet his eyes. “I heard everything, you just caught me off-guard, and truthfully, that was so much from your heart, I had no idea how to respond, or what would be the right way. I’m sorry, but I needed you to let everything out uninterrupted.”
I gasped, my breath fanning over his lips as they ghosted over mine, lingering painfully, and I wanted nothing more than to close the inches we had apart.
“We’ll find Rocco for good…together. But you’re crazy if you think you’ll ever be able to run from me. I just got you back, so you have to understand this is new to me, learning how to love you again, properly.”
