Page 111 of The Reluctant Siren
Ruby’s eyes narrowed. “So you’re going to pull away andleave it to him.”
Ruby knew her well. “I thought I should take some time off.”
It made sense. She needed to focus on herself and why shemade terrible choices. She needed to focus on the business and her open casesand building a life without them.
“So you don’t want one without the other?” Ruby asked theharsh question, though her tone was sympathetic.
“It’s not like that. I do want him, but I don’t think it canwork. I did for a second. I even told Niall I loved him. I do. But I saw himwith Jensen.”
“You wanted him to pick you? Instead of going with Jensen tothe hospital?”
“Of course not. I don’t want him to have to choose. Jensenis the only family he has left, and I can’t take him away. No matter how pissedI am at Jensen.”
“You aren’t pissed at Jensen,” Ruby argued. “Look, your momand sister and cousin are all treating you with kid gloves, but I’m yourfriend.”
Oh, was this about to go bad? She wasn’t sure why. It wasn’tlike Ruby was close to either guy. “What are you trying to say?”
“I don’t think you’re letting yourself feel what youactually feel. You ran on pure adrenaline this afternoon, and it felt waybetter than realizing Jensen made the same mistake again. You aren’t angry atJensen.”
She nodded because this was something she would wholly admitto. “Jensen is being Jensen. I’m the one who should have known. I should haveknown when he slept with us last night. I thought he was all in, but he wassaying good-bye, and I stupidly didn’t see it.”
Ruby groaned. “That’s not what I’m talking about either.Look, I know you’re mad. I know you want to blame yourself because you, bestie,are a control freak, and if you are the one at fault then you can make sure itwon’t happen again. If it’s all your fault, then there’s no need to talk toeither of them. You don’t have to open yourself to them because it was yourfault, and you certainly can’t trust yourself to not make poor choices. ButHarlow, it’s not a poor choice to love someone. Even if it all goes bad. Do youhave any idea what I would give to have the love you’ve been given? And I thinkthat’s part of the problem.”
Ruby was shaking her walls a little. She wasn’t wrong. Herbest friend had pretty much summed up her thought process, but she was stillconfused. She wasn’t mad at Ruby. Ruby loved her and was trying to help her.Harlow just wasn’t sure how. “What do you mean? Say it because this is startingto feel like a therapy session, and don’t think my mom hasn’t already begged meto let her make an appointment for me.”
Ruby sat back as a light rain started, gently falling on thewindshield and making the rest of the world seem gauzy. “You know about my mom,right?”
Ruby’s mom had been distant, from what she understood. She’dloved her, but after Ruby’s dad had walked, she’d shut down. She gave Ruby thenecessities. Roof over her head, food on the table, what she needed for school.But Sonja Lockwood’s real comfort was alcohol, and she got mean when she drank.Which was most of the time. “Yes. I know you’re still not close.”
Ruby sighed, a weary sound. “Not close. She moved toHouston, and I only found out when my Christmas card was returned. I don’t knowwhat I would have done without Vanessa Malone. I don’t think I would have goneto college. I often tell the universe thank you for sending me into hersister’s house the night we met. But that’s ancient history. What I’m trying tosay is I worry that because you’ve never had a family member flake on you,you’re being harder on yourself and them than you should be.”
“Because my parents love me?”
“Because love feels like something that should be easy.”
She was forgetting a few things. “I assure you being ChaseDawson’s daughter isn’t easy.”
“So you have to put up with a father who adores you so muchhe loses his head from time to time. I know it’s annoying. I’m not beingsarcastic. It is annoying, but you’ve never questioned if he loved you. Ifyou’re lovable at all. Not really. I mean we all do, but it can be harder whenyou have evidence to support that you aren’t,” Ruby explained.
Like a mom who told her she wrecked her life. Like a dad whowalked out. “You’re saying I’m taking the love I’ve been given for granted?”
Ruby’s head shook. “I’m not saying that. I’m saying Jensenwas the first time you truly got your heart broken, and I know how hard it wasfor you to trust him again. You were willing to risk everything for him.”
Her heart ached. “I was.”
“And the one thing he couldn’t risk was you,” Ruby pointedout.
“He didn’t ask me.”
“Because from what I can tell Jensen has rarely been incontrol of his life. Think about it, Harlow. He was parentified. He was poor.He had all of the responsibility and none of the control. Everything was onhim, and he was a kid,” Ruby said. “I don’t love what he did to you, but Iunderstand some of the forces that led him to make the decisions he did. Wheneverything is on you, you learn to make decisions rapidly and without input. Iknow I did it until I was a teenager and met Vanessa and Michael and learnedthat family doesn’t have to share blood. I’m better now. I learned how to trustpeople. And before you say you can’t love without trust, I assure you I stilllove my mom and I know I can’t trust her. I know she doesn’t love me, but I…Iguess I still hope she’ll show up one day.”
Harlow reached out and put a hand on Ruby’s. “I hope so,too, but I don’t know that I’m doing what you think I’m doing. Niall can’t behappy without Jensen in his life.”
Ruby flipped her hand over and held it. “I am going to askyou a couple of questions, and I need you to be honest with me. Do you loveNiall? It’s okay if you don’t. It’s okay if this whole thing was fun and sexyand exciting and you really only loved Jensen. But you have to be honest.”
“I love Niall. I love him so much it fucking hurts.” Nohesitation there. She was trying to be honest with herself.
“Okay, and you don’t think you can ever forgive Jensen?”
