Page 60 of The Reluctant Siren
“That was not my worry.” He closed his eyes. When was thelast time he felt this relaxed? He’d gotten used to his whole body being tenseand having to force his muscles to relax. How long had he lived in a state ofanxiety, his whole soul placed in an unrelenting stress position? “My worry wasyou would die and I would have another person to avenge.”
“Or you could have had another person to fight with you.”
He opened his eyes and turned so they were face to face. Shewas so gorgeous in the dim light, the sun peeking in under the curtains makingalmost a halo around her. “Baby, I never thought I would get out.”
Her eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
“I mean I knew when I went in that the only way I got outwas in a body bag or handcuffs.” He finally admitted the truth out loud.
She was quiet for a moment. “Then why would you send Niallto watch me?”
“I suppose when they moved into the Dallas territory andbrought me with them, I thought there was a chance,” he said with a sigh. “Ormy brain wasn’t willing to accept the truth. I wonder if somewhere down there Ireally did want the two of you to get together. So I would know the only twopeople I loved who were left on this earth had each other.”
“I’m not ready to hear that word from you.” She pulled herhand away, but she didn’t leave. “And I can’t trust Niall any more than I canyou.”
It was odd. Only last night he was thinking about how thehell he’d gotten himself into this position, and now it felt fairly easy toback his friend up. “But you can. Niall is the most honest person I’ve everknown.”
“And yet he lied to me,” she pointed out.
“He might have lied about the whys and hows, but not what hefelt.” He reached out and brushed back a strand of purple hair. So pretty. “Hedidn’t sleep with you because he didn’t want to start what he felt was the realbeginning of a relationship with untruths between you. He tried calling me. Iignored him for days because I was getting ready to meet Hamilton, and then youshowed up. If I had answered him, none of this would have happened. He wouldhave told me he was going on a case with you, and I would have figured out howthey connected.”
“But you didn’t and everything fell apart.”
“It did,” he agreed. “It fell apart at the worst possibletime. Or you could say it fell apart at the best time. It fell apart before Ihad to truly make the decision about what I was willing to give up for myrevenge.”
“You gave up me.”
“Not for revenge.” If there was one thing he wanted her tounderstand, it was this. “Baby, think about how much easier it would have beenfor me if you stayed. I wouldn’t have been questioned about whether or not Iknew you were a PI. Yeah, they figured that out, and I knew they would.”
“I didn’t think about that. What happened?”
“Nothing important.” Nope. That wasn’t going to work. He lethis head fall back. She deserved the truth, and he deserved to say all thisshit so he had some chance of purging it from his system. He was so tired ofcarrying this load alone. “They beat the shit out of me. I got my ass sent towhat passes for a cartel prison for a couple of days. I told them I discoveredyou were lying to me right before you called the cops in, and I only barelymanaged to get away. I think the only reason they didn’t kill me was I workedwith a supplier who wouldn’t talk to anyone else.”
“Rick? The guy who made X?”
He nodded. “It was their best seller at the time, and theydecided scaring the shit out of him didn’t work. The only thing that worked wasme. He died, you know. Got caught in the middle of a firefight when he wasdelivering a shipment.” He thought about Rick a lot. Smart. Had everything tolive for except a couple of undiagnosed mental health issues caused him toslide into criminality. He could have been a chemist or a researcher if hisparents had the money for college, or hell, even a damn doctor. Instead he mademoney the only way he could, and he died for it. “There was also the fact thatI texted my direct superior. I had to let him know or it would have looked bad.I know you think I up and decided to dump you one day, but I carefully plannedit once I realized they were coming after you next and you wouldn’t leave mebehind.”
She was quiet for a moment. “You could have talked to me.”
“Really? Because I remember several conversations that endedin screaming matches about the subject.” Of course those screaming matches hadturned into long sessions in bed where they solved nothing but the sexualtension between them. He wondered how Niall would have handled it. Niall likelywould have sent them to their corners and said no hot sex until we can leavethe word hate out of the mix.
Would they be here if Niall had been with them back then?
“Yeah, I remember that, too. We were always way toopassionate. I don’t suppose that would have lasted. My dad figured out it was aguy who I got into trouble for and he told me passion like that always eitherburns out or burns the people caught in it. So the truth of the matter is itwouldn’t have worked. You were like a drug to me. I got addicted fast, and Iwas willing to do anything to get another hit.”
His heart ached that she thought of him that way. “I don’tremember it like that. I saw you as the only real thing in a world I didn’twant to be in. You were… Sometimes I wish I met you before Tommy died.”
Her head shook. “You still would have investigated.”
“Investigated. Not given up my whole life because I didn’tthink I had one. Because I know I should have been there for him.”
“You were in the military,” Harlow argued. “You couldn’texactly come any time he called. We’ve talked about this.”
“Not this way. Not when I’m calm and looking at my life in adifferent way. It’s odd how clear things become when you have no more options.Or I guess I have most of the options now.” He sighed. It was overly dramaticbut true. “It’s weird. Now I have to figure out how to live a whole life. Ihave to find a way to not feel like I failed. I meant what I said. If yourcousin can take down Hamilton, I’ll be at peace with it. Even if it means Ihave to testify and admit everything I’ve done.”
Even if it meant going to jail. Hell, at least in jail hecould moon over her without the option of stalking her. Although that wasanother way to get his ass thrown in jail. Or dead, if her dads got hold ofhim.
“It won’t come to that,” she replied. “I get the feelingJack will work with the prosecutor to get you immunity. You never killedanyone. Anyone you hurt was likely self-defense.”
