Page 86 of Booked on a Feeling

Life without Lizzy was bleached of color and vibrancy. It was as though Jack’s life went from high-definition TV to black and white. Even his move to Los Angeles—where everything was bigger, brighter, and louder—failed to stir any excitement in him. He still moved and talked because he couldn’t stop living, but the world around him was cast in a dull gray light, and everything sounded like static.

Determination was the only thing propelling him forward.Jack owed it to everyone who believed in him to give his new career everything he had. He had to thrive. He couldn’t succumb to lethargy and apathy even though they tried to weigh him down like stones in his pockets. Monday was his first day at work. He hoped to drum up some excitement about it over the weekend, while settling into his new apartment.

Sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, he glanced around the living room without taking any of it in. Well, there wasn’t much to take in since his apartment was pretty much empty. His desk and bed were the only furniture he’d brought from home. Everything else he would buy or build when he had time.

There was plenty of food, though. His mom had packed him enough banchan to last him a month. All he had to do was make some rice in his smart rice cooker—a housewarming gift from his parents—and he was set for dinner. Except food didn’t interest him. Nothing interested him.

He missed Lizzy so much that it made him feel off-kilter. Did the last two weeks at her firm go well? Was she excited about moving to Weldon? Did she find a new job? He knew nothing. He couldn’t stand it, but that was the way it had to be.

Jack changed into his workout clothes and pulled on his running shoes. He needed to do something to get out of his head. The sun had begun to set behind the tall buildings of LA’s Koreatown as he blindly left his apartment. He ran down unfamiliar streets with unfamiliar sights, not paying attention to anything but the reassuring feel of his feet hitting the sidewalk and the burning in his chest from his unforgiving pace.

Lizzy.He pushed himself harder until sweat dripped down his face and stung his eyes. He wanted to run all the way to her, wherever she was, but he couldn’t. The thought gutted him, and he nearly stumbled.

It had taken him much too long to realize that he was enough, and now he might have lost her. He swiped at his eyes and ran on. His insecurities had been his own all along and not a reflection on who Lizzy was. It didn’t matter that she was a successful, driven attorney. It didn’t matter whattypeof men she dated. It had always been about his feelings of inadequacy.

And he didn’t feel inadequate because he was a bookkeeper for his family’s business. If that had been what he’d wanted, then that would’ve been enough. Dedicating nearly a decade of his life to the brewery hadn’t been about accepting his responsibilities to his family and sacrificing his dreams for them. Going along with what everyone expected of him had been the simplest route for him to take. He did it because it was easy and didn’t stop to think about what he really wanted. It was on him.

He had held himself back from confessing his love to Lizzy because he hadn’t known what he wanted from life. It had never been about losing her friendship or because it wastoo soon.Those were just excuses he’d made to himself to avoid facing the truth. He had been so lost that he’d convinced himself that he wasn’t good enough for her.

What he hadn’t understood was that he had to be good enough for himself before he could be free of his fears and insecurities. Now that he had taken his first steps on the path that he’d chosen for himself, he finally knew who he was. He knew he wasenough.For himself and for her.

Jack knew Lizzy, understood her, and loved her more than anyone else in this world. If given the chance, he would love her the way she deserved to be loved. He would make her happy. He would be good enough for her. But would she still want him after what he’d said that night? How could he tell her that he didn’t feel anything for her? It had been a blatant lie. He hadnever loved anyone more than he loved her. She was it for him. She had always been it for him.

He wanted nothing more than to beg for her forgiveness and tell her he loved her. Every beat of his heart told him to win her back. But he couldn’t. Not because he was afraid that she would reject him. He would risk everything if it meant he could have a chance at forever with her. It was because she was as lost as he had been.

Becoming a partner in a national firm had driven her for all her adult life. But she’d said that wasn’t her dream. It was her mother’s dream for her. She wanted to move to Weldon and figure out whatshewanted with her life. It was her turn to find herself. He couldn’t hinder that all-important process by confessing his undying love for her. He couldn’t cloud her judgment. Telling her now wouldn’t be an act of love but one of selfishness and possessiveness.

Waiting for her to find her own way was the best way he could love her now. No matter how much he missed her. No matter how much he wanted her. He would love her by waiting. He had to trust her. Once she figured everything out, she would come to him. If not to be his love, then to be his friend. Then he would tell her. He would tell her everything. How much she meant to him. How he had loved her in secret for twenty years. How he had fallen in love with her for what felt like the first time during her three weeks in Weldon. But for now, he would wait.

It was dark by the time he slowed down to take in his surroundings. He had no idea where he was. With a huff of dumbfounded laughter, he pulled out his phone and opened his map app. This was the first time he didn’t know how to find his way home. His fingers hovered over his phone and he squeezed his eyes shut. He prayed Lizzy would know how to find her way home to him when the time came.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

In the end, Lizzy moved in with the Parks. Just temporarily—just as Jack had asked her to—while she looked for her own place in Weldon. It hurt to be reminded of him everywhere she looked, but she would rather hurt and feel closer to him than feel the distance between them like a jagged chasm in her heart.

Jack’s parents had been wonderful and hadn’t pried into what had happened between their son and her. But they knew something happened because they’ve been feeding her nonstop since she moved in. That was how Korean elders showed they cared. Busy? Eat to keep your strength up. Sick? Eat to fight off whatever ails you. Heartbroken? Eat to fill the hollowness inside you.

Surprisingly, the food really did help, and she felt marginally better, which was fortunate since she was heading into her first day at work. It was in a neighboring town, and the commute took only about half an hour. The law office was located in what appeared to be a converted single-family home, painted in a somber gray—perhaps to reflect the seriousness of the business.At any rate, after she climbed up the porch steps, she nearly knocked because she felt like she was visiting someone’s house. Remembering that she worked there now, she pushed open the door and walked inside.

The receptionist glanced up and smiled at her. “May I help you?”

“I’m Elizabeth Chung. I’m the new attorney starting today,” Lizzy said, extending her hand.

“Nice to meet you.” The receptionist came around the desk and shook her hand. “I’m Margaret. Let me show you to Robert’s office. He’s expecting you.”

His office was down the short hallway in the back corner of the building. He was typing furiously on his keyboard with his two index fingers when Margaret rapped on the door.

“Robert, this is Elizabeth Chung,” she said.

He grunted and jutted his chin toward one of the guest chairs. Guessing that was her cue to have a seat, Lizzy sat down. The receptionist headed back to her station with a wave. Lizzy crossed her legs and looked around the office. It was small and cluttered with stacks of accordion folders teetering on every available space.

“So you’re Elizabeth Chung,” Robert said at last, leaning back in his chair.

“Please call me Lizzy.”

“Peter speaks highly of you,” he continued as though she hadn’t spoken, “which means I have high expectations from you. I hope you can meet them.”

Lizzy blinked, slightly taken aback by his abrasive manner. “I hope so, too.”

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