Page 83 of Dallas

“Worked for me,” says Luke.

“I don’t need help with sex.” I stare Luke down, because I refuse to be embarrassed that I’ve gone and said that, and I know he doesn’t think I have the balls to lay claim to that here in this group.

“Good for you,” he says, giving me a grin.

“I’m just saying, that’s great. Just fine, thank you. But yeah, I might need a little bit of help with the romance.”

“Well, we can help.”

Chapter Twenty

Sarah

It was just the best time at the ranch last night, visiting with his family. I’ve never felt so surrounded by so many wonderful people. Hell, I don’t think I knew that many wonderful people existed in the world.

Dallas went back to his uncle’s ranch for the day, and it was my day off, so I stayed home and studied.

I’ve also been thinking about a conversation I had with Allison yesterday. Part of me wants to stay with Dallas forever – it’s been so wonderful existing like this. Frozen in this moment in time, but I can’t keep doing it. Once I quit paying for rent in the apartment and sisters, I’ll be able to get a place here.

The rent is actually a lot higher in Gold Valley than in sisters, but Allison’s stepmom owns a few properties in town, and she has a tiny little cottage – the one that Colt mentioned when he first came into Sammy’s jewelry shop – and that’s available to me if I need it. Which is honestly sonice. I feel like I probably need to do that. I probably need to live on my own for a little bit.

It doesn’t mean that Dallas and I can’t still be together. But I feel like some independence would probably be a good thing. Or maybe I’m just looking to put a little distance between myself and the intensity that I feel every time he looks at me.

This is uncharted territory. To want things this badly. I’ve never been one to harbor big dreams of the future. Getting to a place right can even allow myself to admit that I want to be a social worker is kind of a big deal. Goals have felt like my enemy for a long time, because when I was a kid, I didn’t have any control over anything. Wanting things felt pointless.

But I’m starting to want. Really big things. Really scary things.

Kaylee really homed in on those worries that I have when she talked to me the other day. Like I’m worried if I do the wrong thing now, now that we’ve made our relationship physically intimate, there’ll be nothing left of us. That if I ask him for more than he wants to give, or we try for everything, and we fail, we’ll be left with nothing. She seems to think that isn’t necessarily true, but I just can’t imagine Dallas and me being anything other than an extreme.

Because even though our foundation is friendship, it was never a healthy friendship. It was always a trauma bond wrapped up in a scarcity mindset and set on fire with fear and isolation. We’ve always been unhealthy.

Wrapped around each other in a way that feels intimate, intense, and that was even before we introduced kissing and sex.

Yeah. I don’t know that balanced, healthy friendship after an implosion is going to be us.

But I really hate the idea of not having him, so I don’t know… I don’t know what that means. I’m trying to figure it out.

Trying to figure myself out. I wonder what my life will look like, when I’m not on the run. This has been such a wonderful thing. I’ve been able to really rest. To meet people, connect with them. To find parts of myself I’ve never really been able to see before because they’ve always been obscured by trauma.

I’m grateful to him for that.

My gratitude, my willingness to fling myself into his orbit and absorb into him, isn’t really the issue, though. I stand up and stretch, feeling like I’ve been absolutely rotting for the whole day, barely moving from the kitchen table as I completed my assignments. And right as I stand, the door opens, and Dallas comes in.

It’s getting dark outside, I’ve only just noticed. And my stomach is growling.

“I have dinner plans,” he says.

“Oh. Well, that’s great. Because I’m starving, and I didn’t think of dinner.”

“Come on.” He looks impish, and most definitely like he’s up to something, which I’m definitely interested in.

He extends his hand, and I walk toward him. I take it, and he pulls me to him, lowering his head and giving me a kiss.

“What’s happening?”

“You’ll see,” he says.

He helps me into the truck, and I go willingly. And then we drive up one of the dirt roads on the property that I haven’t been down yet.

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