Page 159 of Boyfriend Material
“Yes. I figured that out when you weren’t in Durham.”
More long silence.
“Why,” he asked slowly, “do you care?”
“I don’t know. I just…didn’t want you to be in Durham. I mean, unless you really wanted to be. But, I think…not that it’s my place…you probably don’t actually…want to, that is. Be in Durham.”
He was giving me this “what the hell is wrong with you” look. “Yes, Lucien. That’s why I didn’t go.”
“Yeah, but you applied for an actual job. Booked an actual hotel. Which means you must have been pretty serious for a while there.”
“I was. Or rather”—he blushed a little—“I had a moment of wanting to be somewhere else. Far away from everyone I’ve let down.”
“For fuck’s sake,” I protested, “you haven’t let anyone down.”
“You didn’t seem to feel that way when we last spoke.”
I waved my arms in exasperation. “I can’t believe you’re making me defend your right to dump me. But you didn’t let me down. You just made a decision I didn’t like. They’re not the same thing. I think you made the wrong call but it’s not your job to make me, or your parents, or anyone else happy.”
A chorus of “kiss, kiss, kiss” rose from the truck. I’m pretty sure Bridge started it.
Wheeling round, I gave them my hardest of hard stares. “Not the time. Really not the time.”
“Sorry, Luc, my sweet.” James Royce-Royce leaned over from the far passenger side and stuck his head out the window. “It’s hard to hear from this position, and we seem to have misread the body language.”
“Youdefinitelyhave.”
“If it’s not too intrusive a question,” said Oliver, “why have you brought all your friends to my doorstep?”
“I didn’t bring them, they brought me. They’ve got this idea that if I turned up and told you how much I cared about you that you’d fall into my arms and we’d live happily ever after. But, frankly, they’ve wildly underestimated how fucked up you are.”
His expression Wheel of Fortuned through hurt, relief, and anger, before finally settling on resignation. “Well, I’m glad you’re finally seeing me clearly. Can I take it you agree you’re better off without me?”
“Fuck a goat, Oliver, no. I know I haven’t always got you, and I know there’s been a bunch of times where I was a dick to you without meaning to…and also a bunch of times where I was just a dick…but I was never into the guy you think you should be. I’m into the guy you are.”
“Is now a good time?” asked Bridget from the truck.
“No,” I called back. “Very much not.”
“Okay. Sorry. Can you let us know?”
“I really can’t. Kind of getting shot down again, actually.”
“I’m not shooting you down,” interrupted Oliver, making a valiant effort to ignore the fact I’d accidentally brought an audience. “But you have to understand that I’m not someone people stay with. I try and I try to be a good person, and a good partner, but it’s never enough. And it’ll never be enough for you.”
“Tell him you’ve got incredibly low standards,” suggested Priya.
“I donothave incredibly low standards. Well, I do. But it’s not relevant here.” I put my back firmly to the truck and faced Oliver. “Look, you’ve got it super wrong. I can’t answer for your past relationships, but…what you think pushes people away is what lets them in. And, God I sound like an inspirational Instagram post, but not letting people in is what pushes them away.”
“What pushes them away”—Oliver had that tight, frowny expression—“is that I let things slip. My parents see it. You’ve seen it. When I was with you, I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was eating too much, taking too little exercise, I was leaning on you far more than I should have. And God, those scenes I subjected to you to with my family and afterwards. That’s not who I wanted to be with you.”
“Oh, Oliver. Haven’t you listened to a word I’ve said? I wasn’t with you because you had a V-cut and no problems.” Even as I said, it didn’t sound quite right. “Okay, I was at first. But I stayed because you’re… Fuck, I was going to say perfect. But you’re not perfect and no one’s perfect and you don’t have tobeperfect.”
“Of course no one’s perfect, but I can be better.”
“You don’t have to be better. You’re everything I want right now.”
“Can I just remind you that you opened this conversation by telling me how fucked up I am? That cannot be something you want.”
