Page 25 of Boyfriend Material
I was awake now, which normally I’d have found profoundly objectionable. But you’d have to be a way better person than me not to enjoy the hell out of Oliver losing his shit over a purely hypothetical dick pic.
I also realise you’re probably asleep at the moment. So perhaps if you could just delete the previous five messages when you wake up.
Of course, I should emphasise that I am not meaning to imply any judgment about people who do choose to send intimate photographs to one another.
It’s just not something I’m comfortable with.
Of course if it is something you’re comfortable with, I understand.
Not that I’m suggesting you have to send me a picture of your penis.
Oh God, can you please delete every text I’ve ever sent you.
The influx of messages paused just long enough that I could pop off a reply.Sorry I’m confused am I getting a dick pic or what
No!
There was another pause. Then,I’m very embarrassed, Lucien. Please don’t make it worse.
I honestly don’t know what possessed me. Maybe I felt sorry for him. But he had kind of, admittedly accidentally, made my morning?I’m looking forward to seeing you tomorrow
Thank you.
Okay, now I wish I hadn’t bothered. Except a second or two later, I got,I’m looking forward to seeing you too.
And while that felt better, it was, if anything, even more confusing.
Chapter 10
It was pretty typical for my life that when I finally had a brunch date with an attractive, only slightly annoying man, my mum rang.
“A bit busy right now.” Busy, in this case, was code for standing in my underpants, trying to find an outfit that said “I’m sexy, yet respectable, and I promise I won’t randomly try to kiss you again, but if you change your mind, I’d be up for it.” Maybe something in the jumper family? Cuddly, but with a touch of sensuality.
“Luc”—there was an edge of concern in her voice that I really wanted to ignore—“I need you to come right away.”
“How right away is right away?” Did I, for example, have time for a couple of rounds of French toast and an eggs Benedict with a hot barrister?
“Please, mon caneton. It is important.”
Okay, she had my attention. The thing is, Mum has a crisis every half hour, but she’s usually pretty good at signalling the difference between “Judy’s lost her watch in a cow” and “There’s water coming through the ceiling.” I flumped down onto the edge of the bed. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to say over the phone.”
“Mum,” I asked, “have you been kidnapped?”
“No. Then I would be saying,Help, I have been kidnapped.”
“But you couldn’t say that, because the kidnappers wouldn’t let you.”
She made an exasperated noise. “Don’t be silly. The kidnappers would have to let me tell you I’d been kidnapped; otherwise what would be the point of kidnapping me in the first place?” A brief pause. “What you should have asked is,Have you been replaced by a robot policeman from the future who wants to murder me?”
I blinked. “Have you?”
“No, but that is what I would say if I had been replaced by a robot policeman from the future who wants to murder you.”
“You do know I have an actual date. With an actual man.”
“And I’m very happy for you, but this cannot wait.”
