Page 58 of Glitterland
“I liked him.”
He sank back down onto the steps and put his head in his hands, hair falling forward in front of his face. I watched him torturing himself and felt nothing. Not even satisfaction for what he’d done to me tonight.
“How can you like someone like that?” he asked finally. “You have nothing in common. What can you possibly have to talk about?”
“He made me feel good. And you fucked it up.”
“If he meant that much to you,” he said sharply, “you’d have told him yourself.”
“Well, that’s up to me, isn’t it?” I threw the words back at him. “Maybe I liked looking into someone’s eyes and seeing something other than pity, resentment, and guilt.”
“If that’s what you see in my eyes, it’s because you put them there.”
“Get the fuck off my steps.”
But he didn’t move. And I wanted to be inside, surrounded by walls I had chosen. “Why him?” he asked, grabbing for me as I tried to scramble past. “What does he give you that I couldn’t?”
I shrugged. “For starters, he’s not trying to prove to someone else what a saint he is for being with me.”
Niall went white. “I…that’s not true.” And then, rather desperately, “I love you, Ash.”
“I don’t want your love.” I shook him off and climbed the remaining steps to the front door. “Your love is fucking worthless.”
“But I just wanted to make you happy.” A note of pleading crept into his voice, and I ignored it. “Why wouldn’t you let me? I always told myself it was you, not me, that you couldn’t. That you were too broken. But…but now you’ve found someone who does make you happy, so it must have been me all along.”
And then he started to cry, hoarse, gulping, undignified sobs that forced their way out of his throat as though they were choking him. I’d never seen him cry before. And tonight I didn’t care.
“I just wanted to fix you,” he said.
“This is who I am.” I put my key to the lock. “I don’t need fixing.”
I let myself inside and went to bed.
I didn’t know when Niall left.
15
Midnight
When the doorbell buzzed a couple of hours later, my instinct was to ignore it, but it kept on buzzing.
I dragged myself out of bed, pulled on a dressing gown, and went to growl into the speaker, “Will you leave me the fuck alone?”
“Bit ’arsh, babes.” It was Darian’s voice. “I got your suit and your phone.”
I never wanted to see him again. To see disgust, or pity, or discomfort reflected on his face where there had been laughter, admiration, and lust.
But it was a bit late to pretend I wasn’t in.
“Fine. I’ll come down.”
Darian was standing on the doorstep, looking unbelievably, unbearably shaggable, limned in silver moonlight and holding the carrier bag with my suit in it. “Yorite?” he said.
“Thank you for this. You shouldn’t have gone to the trouble.”
“Aww, babes, I’d be like so lost wifout my phone. I wouldn’t know what to do wif myself.”
“Right. Um. Yes. Thanks. Goodbye.”
