Page 29 of Not the Bodyguard's Baby
“I’m going to put her down. Come help me.” September sensed there was more to the invitation than putting her daughter in a crib.
“Let’s grab a few things for the safe room,” whispered Melanie as they gathered diapers, a couple changes of clothing, blankets, and a box of baby wipes.
September followed Melanie out into the hall and down the stairs. No one else was in the safe room, but the bassinet now sat in the corner. Melanie arranged the baby supplies on a shelf. “Do you feel comfortable getting anything in and out of here?”
“I would like to practice. I’m afraid I might freeze up.”
“There is a teddy bear in the boxes Abbie brought. Jethro can play with Harmony, and we can run a few scenarios.” Melanie got the bear and her husband. After two practice rounds where September dropped the bear, Jethro decided on keeping the linen closet door open, as it couldn’t be viewed from the entryway anyhow. September could then run in, place Harmony in the bassinet, and lock the door.
September unlocked the door again. “Is there a way you could get in here if I was in here and you aren’t?”
“Yes, I can open the closet, and there is a keypad on the vault door requiring both a retinal scan and my fingerprint, as well as the code. Are you afraid of cramped spaces?” Melanie straightened the pillows on the couch.
September looked around the eight-by-ten room. It wasn’t that small. Although her walk-in-closet in LA was larger. “Surprisingly, it doesn’t seem cramped.”
“Maybe I think the room is claustrophobic because I spent a day and a half in here with my husband and five children. Never let anybody tell you teenage boys can smell pleasant under such circumstances. I believe Abbie started wearing perfume shortly after our camp in. For months I carried a handkerchief in my pocket doused in perfume. I also added air fresheners to the stash of survival items in here.”
“I can imagine. And with seven people in a room this size, it would feel confining.” September put the bear in the corner of the couch, thinking Harmony might like the music it played.
Melanie checked the food cupboard. “With any luck, we will not need to use the safe room, but don’t worry—even if Harmony screams, I doubt anyone will hear it. Jethro tested the soundproofing by putting all five children in here and asked them to scream. In retrospect, it wasn’t such a good idea because Alan and Andrew decided they wanted to make sure Abbie screamed the loudest. Which started a fight with Alex, of course.”
“You mentioned you suffered PPD after the twins were born. After you got help, how were you able to tell whether you were in your right mind or not?”
Melanie sat on the couch and patted the cushion for September to join her. “I’ll admit there are times throughout my life I’ve wondered if I’ve ever been in my right mind. It’s part of being a woman, part of being a mother, and maybe part of being human. PPD magnifies everything. Mole hills of laundry become mount wash-a-ton and keep growing. Chocolate either tastes like plastic or you devour it by the truckload, searching for the sweet kick it used to give you. The emotions you feel are either too intense or nonexistent. As you come back to yourself, you question everything. Part of it is recognizing your feelings. Remember the other night before you went into the hospital how you knew that what you were doing wasn’t right?”
September shuttered. It wasn’t something she wanted to feel again. She nodded.
“For me, part of knowing if I’m in my right mind is how the opposite feels. Not like trying to decide if I should wear the red dress or a green dress and not being able to come up with an answer. More like remembering I like sunshine and choosing not to go sunbathe in the snow because something feels wrong with that picture.”
September pondered for a moment. “How do you know if something you’re feeling is right or if the feeling’s lying to you?”
“What were you thinking when you locked yourself in the bathroom?”
The change in direction startled September. “That I needed a minute to clear my head?”
“Why?”
“Because I wasn’t sure if I should have kissed Adam.”
“I’ll assume this is a more recent development than last year. Don’t answer. But in my experience, remembering back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth and I had my first kiss with Jethro, I had a lot of questions. I think it’s natural to ask questions. In your case, you have a few more complications than the average kiss. May I ask if you came to any conclusions?”
“Mostly what-ifs. If I was in this same situation without Harmony, or PPD, or Sven as a potential threat, would we even be kissing?”
“I have an inkling based on what you’ve said about how you feel, or felt, about Adam over the past year. I’d say if your feelings now are along the same lines as they were three months ago, they are worth exploring,” said Melanie.
Discussing her feelings with Adam’s mom was weird, even if she’d first had the friendship with Melanie. Yet the words spilled out as if she were speaking to her own mother. “I think I still love him. I’m hoping it is not the antidepressants making me feel that way. There were several days this past month I detested him as strongly. I’ve wanted to lash out at him and blame him for everything. I know we talked about my choices and his choices, but sometimes I want him to hurt as badly as I do. The anger is almost uncontrollable. But I think the recent angry feelings are due to PPD. They aren’t me. You know I was angry at him when you brought me back from Seattle, but this is different.”
“I suggested in one of your family therapy sessions you discuss how it felt when he left you. Just because you are angry with him doesn’t mean you don’t love him.”
“But I thought love wasn’t supposed to feel so up and down.”
“I think people think of love like a view of the mountains. From a distance they are gorgeous and serene, with their snowcapped peaks and evergreens, and you feel if you climb them you can go up forever. What most don’t realize is when you walk through the mountains, there are valleys, curves, mudholes, and cliffs as well as breathtaking vistas. Love isn’t a never-ending euphoria. It takes lots of work. Yes, I love Jethro more than I did almost forty years ago when we first met, but there have been times I wanted to push him off the next cliff and others when I wanted to wrap my arms around him and enjoy the view.” Melanie put her hand on September’s knee. “It is natural to be upset with Adam. Even with the noblest of intentions, he still left. That hurt. But are you going to keep working on climbing to the peak or wallow in some gorge?”
“So, this isn’t all PPD mess?” September wiped her eyes.
“I don’t know if even Dr. Brooks could tell you. Before the PPD, there was this battle in you over your feelings for Adam. One thing I did learn is that if a thought or feeling wasn’t out of character for you five months ago, it isn’t now. It may only be the intensity that’s out of proportion. You are the same person. You still love candied pecans. I see no reason why you still can’t feel the same for Adam.” Melanie opened her arms.
“Thanks.” September leaned in and gave Melanie a hug.
