Page 114 of Thursdays at Orange Blossom House
‘Liebling, I have brought Nicholas’s auntie to say hello,’ Frederick calls as he closes the door.
Cornelia appears in front of her, grinning.
How’s my nephew?she asks.
‘He’s fine,’ Dorothy says out loud, knowing Cornelia will lip-read and realising that they can’t have a proper conversation while ever either of them is holding the baby in her arms.
When their parents brought Cornelia here for the first visit Frederick was holding Nicholas and Dorothy could sign. Before now she hadn’t contemplated how her son might compromise her communication with her sister, and she feels stupid. Inconsiderate. Nicholas is going to be in her arms for months, and there won’t always be someone else around to take him so she can talk.
Can I hold him?Cornelia says.
Dorothy points to the breast Nicholas is attached to, hoping Cornelia will understand.
Frederick walks past and kisses the top of Dorothy’s head. He always kisses her on the head, hello and goodbye. He hasn’t kissed her on the lips since Nicholas was born. Sometimes Dorothy will catch him looking at her with confusion in his eyes, and she thinks she knows what it is: she spends so much time cooing to Nicholas that she doesn’t have time to talk to him. That’s why, whenever she sees that look, she says, ‘I love you,’ and the expression vanishes.
‘Your mother says hello,’ he says. ‘She will come by later to pick up Cornelia.’
He keeps walking towards the kitchen.
‘Oh – you’re not taking her?’ Dorothy swivels her head as much as she can, trying to make eye contact with her husband.
They never seem to have much time to really talk to each other any more. Again, she doesn’t mind – she has a more pressing priority right now – but it does make her feel slightly disconnected from her own life.
‘I’m going to Port Douglas,’ he says, returning with a banana in his hand. ‘We have a delivery today.’
‘I thought you would be home today.’ Dorothy smiles tightly, wanting to suggest she’s not irritated even though she is. Not wanting to inconvenience him even though she feels inconvenienced.
Becoming a mother hasn’t changed her fundamental desire to please people, although sometimes she wonders if there’s anyone who is trying to please her.
‘So did I.’ Another kiss on her head. ‘But the delivery is late and I want to be there when it arrives.’
Dorothy stands up, holding Nicholas against her as he continues to feed, and follows her husband to the door.
‘I really need you to stay for a little while so I can talk to Cornelia,’ she says. She’s fairly sure Cornelia is about to remind her of her offer to move in and she can’t respond to that with her hands full.
Frederick looks at her quizzically. ‘Can’t you talk while I’m not here?’
‘Not while either one of us is holding Nicholas. We can’t use our hands.’ She wonders why this isn’t as self-evident to him as it is to her, but he does have a lot on his mind.
‘Then just wait until Nicky has a nap,’ he says brightly.
‘He’s not due to have one for at least an hour. I don’t want to wait.’
‘It will be fine,’ Frederick says, and she can see his mind is already out the door.
‘Frederick – I need you here!’ Dorothy says, trying to control the exasperation in her voice.
The truth is, she doesn’t so much need him as want him here. They’re both parents of this little boy, but at the moment it feels like she’s the only one who is interested. In fact, Frederick even said he can’t wait until Nicholas can talk so he’ll be more interesting.
‘I’ll be back as soon as I can.Auf wiedersehen, Liebling.’
No kiss on the head or anywhere else as he goes, and Nicholas unlatches from her breast and starts to cry. Sometimes, when he does that, she wants to cry too, mainly because her life has become a stream of feeding and crying and putting him down for naps and washing his tiny clothes, and while she adores him she sometimes finds herself wondering if in reality she’s lying insavasanain Orange Blossom House and daydreaming this whole thing. Except Sandrine has yet to appear and tell her to roll over to her right-hand side before she comes up to sit. And it would be wrong, Dorothy knows, to wish she would. This is the reality she wanted, and she has it, full force.
She walks back in and sees Cornelia looking at her questioningly.
‘Where did he go?’ Cornelia enunciates.
Dorothy shrugs. What more can she do? She knows that Frederick believes that all this running around to Port Douglas, back to Cairns, interviewing staff, taking deliveries, is for their long-term benefit. He wants to provide for her, for Nicholas. Even for Cornelia, if it comes to that. It’s impossible to resent that motive, although Dorothy knows now that she has needs of her own. To reconnect with him, to communicate with her sister, to be able to see her friends. To be in the world, be present, beher.
