Page 115 of Thursdays at Orange Blossom House
Sandrine told her that when her baby arrived, her heart would expand so much that she wouldn’t be able to believe it. ‘There will be room for the baby along with everyone else you love,’ she said. ‘And if you have another baby, it will expand again. It is not a muscle, Doro-tee, so much as it is a universe inside your chest.’
It sounded esoteric at the time, because while Dorothy loves fiercely and expansively, this sounded like something different. Something she’d never known. And it was. It is. She feels that universe inside her chest each time she looks at her son. At her sister. At her husband. At her parents.
What Sandrine didn’t mention is that her heart would also expand enough to take in herself. Dorothy has never really considered whether she loves herself or not, but now realises that the scale was tipped to not. These days, when she looks in the mirror, she sees a woman who is braver and more fierce than she ever thought she could be. Brave in her pursuit of her dream, in her willingness to embrace new paths, new friends, new worlds of understanding. Dorothy has been pleased to meet that woman. She’s been waiting for her for quite a while. That woman, she knows, has love enough for everyone.
Sometimes she feels so overwhelmed by love that she could run into the garden at night and shout it to the sky, to the people around her, to this whole town, to this land. ‘I love you!’ she will yell, and mean it; and she will marvel at the fact that a tiny human being has changed her so much that she won’t care what people think. Or maybe it’s that she has changed herself, and was just looking for an excuse to do so.
This new version of her is trying to remember that she needs certain things as much as Frederick does. As much as Nicholas does. As much as Cornelia does. She has been, she realises, in service to others in her life for quite a while. That doesn’t have to stop; she doesn’t want it to stop, because it’s one of her ways of expressing love. But in order to continue she needs to do it on her terms, which means she has to stand up for what she wants. That, in turn, will train her to stand up for her son.
Nicholas unlatches again, and Dorothy pulls her top down before settling him over her shoulder to burp him. Holding him in place with one forearm, she can have both hands free.
We have to talk, she says to Cornelia, and she begins to set the boundaries for the new version of her life.
SUMMER 1994/1995
Sheryl Crow releases ‘All I Wanna Do’.
The Cranberries top the singles chart with ‘Zombie’.
Fourteen-year-old American tennis player
Venus Williams turns pro; German player Steffi
Graf ends the year ranked number one.
HRH Diana, Princess of Wales, attends her last Christmas
service at Sandringham as a member of the Royal Family.
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
Patricia’s final yoga class is harder than she thought it would be. Harder emotionally and physically. It’s almost as if Sandrine wants to give her something memorable – that is, something her muscles are going to remember for days.
As Patricia rolls up her mat and tucks it under her arm, Sandrine appears by her side.
‘So you have the name of theshalain Mysore?’ she says. ‘You may not be able to study with Desikachar himself but you will learn many things. Great things. I am a little jealous.’ She draws out the ‘little’ and lightly pinches Patricia’s cheeks. ‘But not too much. I am happy here. And maybe you will have something to teach me when you return?’
‘I doubt that!’ Patricia says, knowing how far she has to go before she can know even half of what Sandrine knows about yoga, but thrilled that once she made the decision to actually go to India, Sandrine proved that she’d meant what she’d said and gave her lots of tips.
‘I hope you have a wonderful time.’ Sandrine arches an eyebrow. ‘Whatever you are doing.’
Patricia hasn’t told Sandrine that she’s hoping to see Dennis in India – even though she hasn’t yet shared that information with him – but by now she’s no longer surprised that Sandrine guesses – or knows – so much about her life. She has always detected when Patricia is feeling tired or overburdened or stressed.
Not long ago she sidled up to her before class and said, ‘You have changed, Patricia. You are thinking of someone. Perhaps a certain someone, hm? Keep doing this thinking. It is good for you.’ She’d winked and walked away, but not before Patricia’s cheeks had turned to flame, and she’d looked around quickly to check Grace Maud hadn’t heard.
Patricia hasn’t confessed all to Grace Maud either. Because she’s sitting on that proverbial fence: half wanting the grand adventure of going abroad with a man who’s invited her, and half scared about what might happen if she does.
When school ended for the year, just before Christmas, she and Dennis had exchanged farewells.
‘I’m not leaving until January fifteenth,’ he said. ‘In case you change your mind.’
The way he smiled at her – as if he was sad and adoring all at once – made the flighty, romantic part of her want to tell him. She wanted to say she’d see him by the Ganges or something equally fanciful, because she’d been inspired by his trip and decided to take her own.
But she hadn’t told him yet because part of her believed her mother would deteriorate quickly and she wouldn’t be able to go. Patricia didn’t like to let him down. She didn’twantto let him down.
Later that day, however, she’d called Dorothy to see how she was and ended up receiving some unsolicited advice.
‘You need to tell him,’ Dorothy said, quite forcefully for her. ‘Even if something happens to your mum, you can’t not go, okay?’
