Page 72 of Thursdays at Orange Blossom House
She owes him an answer. And she also owes herself one. If she really is pregnant she may as well know. And if she isn’t, she needs to know that too.
She receives the results on the Thursday afternoon; too late to tell Frederick because he’s already left work, but just in time to tell Patricia and Grace Maud. She will tell Frederick tonight.
However, Dorothy doesn’t want to announce it at Orange Blossom House. Sandrine already knows, it seems, but she doesn’t want anyone else overhearing.
‘I’d like to talk to you both,’ she announces to her friends as they prepare to leave at the end of class. ‘But, um … not here.’
‘Why don’t you both come to my place for a chat?’ Grace Maud says. ‘Patricia is driving me home anyway.’
Now they’re all sitting in Grace Maud’s kitchen while she pours a brandy for herself and a gin for Patricia, and makes Dorothy a weak tea with lots of milk and sugar.
‘This won’t stop you sleeping,’ Grace Maud promises as she puts the cup and saucer on the table. She sits, her own drink in front of her, and says, ‘Well? Are you pregnant?’
‘Yes,’ Dorothy says weakly.
‘And why do you sound like that?’
‘Because I’m worried.’
‘That’s normal,’ Patricia says.
‘So this is a result of your … procedure?’ Grace Maud sips her brandy.
Dorothy nods. ‘But I …’ She feels her bottom lip trembling and bites it.
Patricia pats her wrist. ‘You don’t have to say it.’
‘But I want to.’ She hiccups back the fear she’s been carrying since she received the result. ‘I’ve never had a problemfallingpregnant. I’ve had a problemstayingpregnant. The doctor thought if I had the IVF it would have a better result.’
‘Because there are scientists involved?’ Grace Maud says.
‘Yes. I needed to try something different. Something that wasn’t just … me.’
Dorothy bites the insides of her cheeks to try to stop crying. Because it’s not straightforward; none of this is. She wants to be pregnant, yes, of course – but not pregnantagain. She wants to be pregnant for the first time, so that all the fears she has learnt to have aren’t there. And the tug of war in her mind about that – the fact that she is undoubtedly ungrateful to wish to be pregnant for the first time rather than the fourth – has made her feel like she’s losing her grip on reason.
‘Because you didn’t want to risk another miscarriage,’ Patricia says quietly, seriously. ‘And now you think that even though the scientists were involved, this time it will be another miscarriage.’
Dorothy gasps out a cry, because she didn’t expect anyone to understand. ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘Am I crazy?’
‘Oh, no,’ says Grace Maud. ‘I’d say you’re rational.’
‘Really?’ Despite her best efforts, Dorothy can feel tears on her cheeks. ‘Because I’ve been going round and round in my mind trying to work out why I’m not happier and thinking there’s something wrong with me.’
‘How long have you been doing that?’ Grace Maud asks.
‘For a few hours.’
Dorothy feels a wave rise inside her – more like ten waves, in quick succession, all crashing on different shores. She’s been having this sensation since she started taking the hormones for the treatment and has been so good at not bothering anyone with it, but now she’s worried about the baby, too, it’s impossible to control it. Or them. The waves. The relentless waves.
So she doesn’t. She lets out a loud sob and puts her head on her hands. ‘I’m sorry,’ she wails.
‘For what?’ says Grace Maud with a gentle tone they rarely hear.
‘I’m such a mess.’ Dorothy lifts her head to see two concerned faces, then puts it down again.
‘That’s understandable,’ says Grace Maud, ‘but this distress isn’t doing you any good.’
‘It’s the hormones,’ Dorothy says into her hands.
