Page 102 of Weekends with the Sunshine Gardening Society
Lorraine frowns. ‘The lights are on but nobody’s home – is that it?’
Elizabeth isn’t sure what she means and hasn’t the energy to try to figure it out.
‘Having a hard day?’ Lorraine asks in a softer tone.
‘Yes,’ Elizabeth says. ‘I think I am.’
‘If you think you are then I’d say you are.’
Lorraine moves along to the next part of the garden bed, which is Elizabeth’s cue to follow her, because there’s nothing left to do in the portion in front of her. Lorraine has done it all while she’s been sitting there thinking of everything and nothing all at once.
‘Is there something about today that’s harder than other days?’ Lorraine says, digging somewhat aggressively into the dirt.
No point withholding information when Lorraine has already correctly guessed that something’s up.
‘Not especially,’ Elizabeth replies. ‘I mean, I don’t really understand why memories work the way they do. For some reason I keep thinking about what it was like after Jon died and before the funeral. It was … so hard and strange.’
She was in limbo that week. Jon’s parents were barely functioning so her own parents swept in and took care of the house and food and phone calls while Elizabeth preoccupied herself with Charlie and writing some notes for what she wanted to say during the service. Actually, that’s not correct: she didn’twantto say any of it. She didn’t want to be there; she didn’t want the occasion to exist; she didn’t want to have to use the past tense speaking about her husband. And she especially didn’t want to see her young son sitting on his grandfather’s knee in the front row, because no child that young should have to be at their parent’s funeral.
In some ways it was a week like any other – keeping Charlie’s life as normal as possible demanded that – but that added to the strangeness. To her sense that time had fractured on the day Jon died, and there was one timeline in which she could properly grieve without distractions and another in which she was cutting up banana and tidying up toys and trying to fit in her grief around it all. The timelines interwove at night; sometimes they still do, although mostly she’s on banana-and-toys now.
‘I can’t imagine it,’ Lorraine says. ‘I mean – I can. Because I have an imagination. But I haven’t gone through it. So I could say all the usual stuff people say or I could just say this: yeah, it’s hard. Harder than anything else, I reckon.’
Elizabeth nods mutely.
‘Is there anything you can do to make it easier? Because that’s what I’d be looking at. Y’know, if I were you.’ Lorraine digs into the dirt. ‘And feel free to ignore anything I say because it’s really none of my business.’
‘The house is making me sad.’ It’s out of Elizabeth’s mouth before she has a chance to censor it.
Lorraine keeps digging and Elizabeth wonders if she finds her ungrateful, given all the work the Sunshine Gardening Society has put into the place.
‘I can see how it would,’ Lorraine says. ‘Everywhere I turn inmyplace there’s evidence of Mike and it makes me want to scream because I’m so cross at him. I’m not going to move but I know why you’d want to. It’s hard to move on when they’re all around you.’
‘I love the garden,’ Elizabeth says, just in case Lorraine is in any doubt. ‘I sit out there sometimes and really enjoy it.’
‘But he’s not in it.’
‘I wasn’t going to say that.’
‘Don’t have to.’ Lorraine sits back and smiles kindly at her. ‘If you want to move, just move. You don’t owe it to anyone to stay.’
‘But it’s Charlie’s home. He’s had enough disruption.’
This is the argument Elizabeth has been using on herself, because although she has odd, random thoughts about moving she knows how hard it will be to pack up a life that no longer really exists.
‘He’s a kid! Have you seen how much kids’ bones grow in a year? Disruption is all he knows, Lizzie. Don’t worry about him, he’ll be fine. As long as he has you he won’t care. All kids want is someone to love them and give them food. Mine’d squawk ifI said we were moving but they’d get over it. They did when we moved a few years ago. It lasted about a night.’
Elizabeth contemplates this for a minute or so. ‘Maybe I’ll think about it,’ she says eventually.
‘Sounds like you already have.’ Lorraine grins. ‘Let me know if I can help with anything. Terry’s strong enough to lift stuff.’
‘I thought you weren’t getting along?’
‘Funny that – now his dad’s not at home he’s decided he’s the man of the house. He’s like a different boy.’
‘Do he and Mike get along normally?’
‘Well, I have to say I didn’t notice. We were all running around like blue-arsed flies most of the time. Me and Mike in particular. Terry was just … surly. To me. Can’t say I noticed what he was like with Mike. Mike never said anything, but now I just think he was too busy playing the stock market to notice me, his mum or the kids.’
