Page 144 of A Curse of Hope and Shadows: Part I
“I… I wanted to be his equal. Just for one night.”
Mrs Minton turned to face the window. “There are different kinds of equal,” she said quietly, “ones that matter more in better eyes than ours. But I understand what you are saying. And I’m sure you understand what cannot happen.”
A tear slid down Adeline’s cheek.
“Adeline,” Mrs Minton whispered, “would you evenwantto return?”
She needed the money.Leonieneeded it. But without that… things could never be the way they were between her and Dimitri. Each day would be an exercise in agony.
And yet, what would happen if she left? Was Dimitri ready to be alone? Or would he sink back into the shadows, shut away from the sun? Alone, in pain—
“I… I don’t want to leave him,” she admitted. “But…”
“But?”
“I don’t think things can stay this way.”I’m just not sure what I’d be sacrificing of myself if I stayed.
Which would hurt more?
Which would hurthimmore?
Mrs Minton nodded. “Whatever you wish to do, I shall support you.”
“I don’t understand,” said Adeline. “Why aren’t you more angry with me? Withus?”
“I wanted a friend for him,” she replied. “I cannot be angry after getting what I asked for.”
“But I’m not his friend.”
Mrs Minton sighed. “No, you aren’t, are you? But I’m not even sure I can be angry about that, either. You… you don’t know what it’s like, to watch someone that you care for, but aren’t allowed to…” She shook her head. “Actually, I imagine youdoknow what that’s like. But nevertheless… I watched him grow. I watched him suffer. I watched everything unfold and there was nothing,nothingI could do. So I won’t begrudge him whatever snatches of happiness he’s managed to seize, or you yours. You both deserve happiness. And however this ends, I hope that you can see that it was worth it. That the pain is worth the few moments where you didn’t seem so alone in the world.”
Words vanished from Adeline’s mouth, stifled by tears, all except for a few. “I need to see him.”
Mrs Minton nodded as Adeline dabbed her cheeks. “I’ll go up with you and keep a watch.”
“Thank you.”
It was a long, steady climb through the servants’ staircase, past the laughter of the guests in the parlour, chatting over board games and elevenses. She did not need to ask why Dimitri was not among them today.
“He claimed he had a headache,” Mrs Minton said, apparently hearing her unspoken half-question. “For once, I think he was lying.”
They stepped out into the main corridor, not far from Dimitri’s room, making their way to the door in silence.
“Do you want me to announce you?” Mrs Minton asked.
Adeline shook her head, taking a deep breath and rapping lightly on the door. The familiar bark of admittance prickled against her chest, and she stepped inside.
The curtains were drawn, blackness stung the room. Dimitri sat on the chaise, staring at the obscured window, back towards the door.
She wanted to tease him.
She could not.
“Dimitri,” she started.
He was up in a flash, eyes wide, striding towards her, but she backed away from him, holding up her hands. “Don’t,” she said, stopping him in his tracks. “It’s… it’s not because I don’t want to. It’s because I can’t. Not right now.”
“All right,” he said stoically. “Do you want to sit down?”
