Page 88 of A Curse of Hope and Shadows: Part I
“That doesn’t make any sense!”
“Yes it does! The only person who’s really afraid of you is you.”
“You saw the way people looked at me last night—”
“People can be funny about things they don’t understand. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give them time to learn—”
“You didn’t need time—”
“Well, obviously I’m exceptional.”
Dimitri groaned.
“Oh, what is it now?”
“I’m trying really hard to be mad at you, but on that point I have to concur. But... but most people aren’t like you, Adie. And I just... that first look... it’s intolerable. I can’t bear it.”
“There are things wemustbear!” snapped Adie. “You can’t spend the rest of your life shut away!”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s selfish! Not everyone has the luxury of wallowing in misery!”
“You think I don’t have cause to be miserable?”
“I think you’ve been miserable long enough when the rest of us can’t be! You think there aren’t days when I don’t want to get out of bed? You think there aren’t moments when I want to rage and scream and break things?”
“I’ve… I didn’t know you ever—”
“Two hours after my mother died, I strapped Edie to my chest and went out to find a wetnurse for her, because if I couldn’t find one, she was going to die too. I had to go and fetch Elliott home, because I couldn’t let the others get back and find our mother that way. He was fourteen years old and he had to tell his little brothers and sister that their mother was dead, and then I came home, and I watched them cry. I watched their little bodies break apart when the undertaker came to take Mama away and I couldn’t—Icouldn’t—break with them, because if I did I wasn’t sure I’d ever get back up again. I waited until they went to sleep and then I went into the woods and screamed. And that was the last time I did. I couldn’t afford to let myself break again, because they needed someone whole, but all I wanted to do, every day for months afterwards, was shut myself away and howl for her.”
“Adie—”
“I used to dream about having an accident, you know. Nothing serious, just enough that I’d be bedbound for a few days. Enough that I couldn’t get up, couldn’t make excuses. Just for rest, just for sleep. Just so I wouldn’t have to think any more[40]. But that isn’t going to happen. Because I’m always thinking. I’m always awake. I’m always worrying. So excuse me if sometimes I don’t absolutely think I wouldn’t trade places with you in an instant.”
He swallowed. She stared at him.
“If you think that’s unfair—”
Dimitri threw his arms around her. “I didn’t know,” he said. “I didn’tthink.”
Adeline stiffened in his arms, as if she was still fighting him, or herself, or the words she’d just uttered. He felt her jerk against his chest, hissing under her breath, and readied himself for rebuttal, easing his grip to release her.
“I wish I never had to think,” she whispered, her voice like sandpaper. “I wish… I wish a lot of things.”
All the things I want are impossible,she told him once. He’d been stunned by her words at the time, but now they had a deeper meaning, fresh and raw, and he felt he’d strangle the world just to make one of them a reality.
“Adie—”
“I don’t always like you, you know,” she said.
He snorted. “Sensible woman.”
A second later, she sighed, relaxing against him. She breathed against his chest, long and hard.
He wouldn’t tell her about the fortune-teller today. His pain could wait.
“I never told anyone that,” she whispered softly. “Don’t… don’t tell the others, will you? I don’t want them to know how close I came to breaking.”
