Page 51 of The Devil and the Heiress
Jacob glanced over his shoulder at that word.Chosen.Christian looked away, that knowing glance stirring the guilt already threatening to burn him alive and making him feel like a bastard. She had every right to believe their fucking had meant more than that, because it had felt like more than that. Christ, it had meant more than that to him. Being with her had stolen a piece of his soul that he’d never get back from her. He’d yet to figure out a way to let her know that while leaving her.
“Now that you’re here, Mr. Thorne, perhaps you can shed some light on the mystery of Christian. He tells me he was terrible to you when you first met.”
Jacob threw back his head and laughed. “Now that I am happy to share.”
They walked back to the village in amicable conversation, with Jacob answering Violet’s questions with charm. The evening was mild, so Mrs. Mitchell set up a table beneath the branches of the line of oak trees that bordered their property. After Christian had a quick wash off, the five of them enjoyed their supper there. Along with carriage and clothing, Jacob had also brought wine, which flowed freely, turning the evening into a celebration of sorts.
When it was time for Jacob to leave for York and the train station, Christian left Violet to the care of the Mitchells and rode along with his brother. They had not been in the carriage five minutes, before Jacob said, “That girl is in love with you. I hope you realize that.” His voice was steady in warning.
Christian’s guilt, never far from his thoughts, fanned to life. “She’s infatuated, yes, but infatuation is not love.”
“I have known infatuation before, brother, and that is not it. She worships you with her eyes—”
“A sure sign of infatuation,” Christian interrupted him.
“She knows your faults and still holds you in high esteem.”
“She has a gentle nature.”
Jacob scoffed. “She worries about your injuries.”
“She is a kind person.” His voice took on a note of frustration, and he knew it was only his guilt, not a reaction to Jacob’s assertion.
“Why do you refuse to see what is in front of you?”
“Because it’s not real. Love is not real. Infatuation is real, but we all know that fades.”
“All right, then. Perhaps I should put it this way. You are in love with her.”
Christian shook his head, staring out at the rising twilight. Christ, it was true. He could not lie to his brother, but neither could he acknowledge it. To put words to the ache in his chest would be to open himself up to further anguish. He knew that he had never felt this way about anyone in his life. He would give his next breath to her if she needed it. He had suspected the emotion several nights in on their trip. He had known it with certainty the night he thought her dying. The night he had promised to let her go if she could but live. He had manipulated her, and almost killed her; he didn’t know how they could overcome that.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel,” he finally said. “Her happiness comes first.”
Jacob was silent for a moment across the carriage from him as Christian’s words settled between them. “What does that mean?”
“It means that I am not good for her. I lied to her, manipulated her. She deserves a man with honor.”
“You don’t intend to go through with your plans for marriage, then?”
Christian shook his head. “No. We’ll leave in a few days,and I’ll take her to where she had planned to go, and then I’ll leave her alone.”
“And you expect her to agree to that?”
“Of course. We’ll correspond a bit, and then the time between letters will become longer, and eventually she’ll find someone else to occupy her time and her thoughts.”
“Do you really believe her so faithless as all that?” Jacob sounded offended for her.
“It is not that she’s faithless; it is that she’s infatuated. The emotion will eventually run its course.” It had happened before. Despite his intention to only seek out women who did not value exclusivity, it had occasionally happened that the women he bedded wanted more than he could offer them. He had become an expert in removing himself from their unwanted attentions while leaving them feeling as if they were the ones who had grown bored. He also couldn’t forget the annoying presence of Lord Lucifer in her manuscript. He was likely insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but he was there. Someone else who could swoop in and occupy her thoughts. The very idea of it grated.
“You know you love her, Christian.”
Christian was silent, watching the moon rise to the tops of the trees.
After a moment, Jacob asked, “How is love not real if you yourself feel it for her?”
Another question he could not answer. “Perhaps I misspoke. I meant to say that it is not possible for anyone to love me.” No one ever had. Not really.
“Is that how you’re assuaging your guilt?”
