Page 65 of The Devil and the Heiress
Yes!Every fiber of her being knew that if she allowed herself one small comfort, her affection-starved heart would revel in it, glutton itself in the luxury and demand more bit by bit until she was as lost as she had been before. Giving him everything while demanding nothing in return. Even knowing the danger he posed to her heart, she had to make a fist to ensure she wouldn’t reach for him. Her body craved the flood of solace and contentment that being held in his arms would bring it.
“Excuse me,” she said, rising from her seat to brush past him as the anger that always accompanied such thoughts made an appearance. Pushing the curtain aside, she stepped out into the corridor that would lead her to the stairs and the cool evening air.
“Violet?” he whispered as he came out behind her, catching up to her when the stairs were in sight.
Since the opera still raged on, the corridor was empty with gaslights flickering at intervals, but they were turned very low so that his face appeared in shadow. She could still see his concern, and it tugged at her treacherous heart.
“Are you ill?” he asked, coming to a stop only inches before her.
“No, I’m angry, Christian.” She kept her voice low, and hopefully the music drowned out anything said between them from reaching ears only too eager to hear. Speculation about their living separately had been raging for weeks.
He nodded. “My apologies. I’ll keep my gaze to the stage.”
Shaking her head, she said, “It’s not only that.”
“Tell me.” He searched her face and seemed to come to some resolution. “Tell me what I can do to win you back and make you end this punishment.”
“You think I’m punishing you?”
“Yes, that is very much how it feels. I know that I deserve it, so I haven’t pushed, but you don’t deserve it, and I can see that this estrangement is hurting you, too. Letme—” He reached for her, and she moved back out of instinct and self-preservation.
“Christian, please don’t.”
He paused and ran a hand over his jaw, clearly frustrated.
“I’m sorry I can’t move forward yet, but you hurt me deeply. Not only did you wound me, but you made it so that I cannot even trust myself. I don’t trust my instincts. I don’t trust that I know anything about anything, certainly nothing about the things that I thought I knew.”
She wasn’t making any sense, but pain furrowed his brow, and he made no move to speak.
Taking a deep breath, she started again. “You see, I gave you everything, my hopes, my dreams, my future... my heart, you had all of it. I held nothing back from you. And you manipulated those feelings. You lied to me. The entire time I gave everything, you held back. I was too stupid to know that I was supposed to do the same. I don’t know how to move forward with that. I don’t know that if we do move forward that you’ll be honest. I don’t know that you even know how to be honest.
“Please understand that while I am angry, none of this is to punish you, Christian. I do it to save myself.”
His eyes glistened suspiciously, and that tore at her heart even more. She despised hurting him. When she would have turned away, he grasped her waist, making her pulse leap in excitement as her body remembered the pleasures his touch could bring.
He didn’t attempt to kiss her as she thought he might. Instead, he whispered, “Perhaps it would be best to take some time apart, then. No more performances for the gossips.”
She took in a serrated breath. “Yes, that seems wise.” It was certainly too painful for them both to continue as they were. Two broken people stumbling around each other, trying and failing to heal.
“Know this, Violet. I love you.” His eyes were so fierce and earnest, she believed he spoke the truth. “I will loveyou until I draw my last breath. When you are ready, you will find me waiting.”
Her own eyes filled with tears as pain and tenderness warred for space in her heart. Leaning up on her toes, she kissed him, an achingly sweet kiss of loss and heartache. When she pulled back, he let her go, dragging in a ragged breath. She turned before she could talk herself out of it and hurried outside to summon her carriage. The only way through this was forward, but she didn’t know if she had the strength to make it.
•••
Montague Club was busy by the time Christian returned that night. Usually, the jovial atmosphere allowed him to push whatever worried him to the back of his mind. He could forget it all for a time in drink, gambling, or fighting. That had not been true ever since he had returned to London without Violet. For the first time in his life, he felt that a part of himself was missing. That she had taken it with her, and he would never be whole again. Worse, he didn’t know that he wanted to be whole without her. The idea of finding joy in a life without her in it filled him with disgust.
Ignoring the patrons he passed, he walked through the entry hall and up the stairs to seek the sanctity of his suite, already loosening his tie. He would send his valet away and spend the rest of the night racing to the bottom of a bottle of scotch. It wouldn’t solve anything, but it would dull the ache in his chest enough that he could make it through another night with the guilt doing its best to eat him alive.
He was pushing open his door when Jacob called to him from down the corridor. Christian ignored him and continued into his room but left the door open so that his brother could enter if he wanted. Of course, he wanted. Jacob could never leave well enough alone. Dismissing his valet,Christian shrugged out of his coat and poured himself a drink as Jacob entered.
Dressed in full evening wear, Jacob closed the door behind him and leaned against the doorjamb. “I take it the evening did not go well.”
“She despises me.” Christian took a sip, letting the scotch warm a path to his belly where it joined the guilt gnawing at him. “I do not blame her, and yet...” He took another drink. He could barely restrain himself from going to the Belgravia house and forcing her to talk to him. Shaking his head, he said, “We’ve agreed to not see each other for a while.” It had seemed the only sane choice when he saw how very much his presence upset her.
“I doubt she despises you.”
“I hurt her deeply. I don’t know how to convince her to forgive me for that.”
