Page 42 of Xerxes Ascendant
Akira found his fingers were already at his left ear, subconsciously tracing the line of his daughter’s scar. “Where they were careless with her,” he finished with difficulty, the memory clogging his throat.
Swallowing had become painful. It seemed an eternity since he’d been sipping expensive drinks with Tyrone inside the club, and now his mouth was scratched dry and raw. But there was nothing that could make Akira stop now he’d begun, if onlybecause he knew he’d never be able to share this with anyone ever again.
“I made the deliberate choice to never tell you about my wife and child, Kyle,” he admitted to the man before him, who was watching him with palpable sadness. But he hadn’t made himunderstand, not yet. “I hid them from everyone,to protect them. I have many enemies, both as Akira Miyasaki and Master Epsilon, and my biggest fear was that someone else would use them to get to me. That they would be hurt because of me,again. I could not let that happen.
“I’ve kept Sarah and Robby a secret for over a decade,” continued Akira. His voice, while quiet, seemed to echo unnaturally loud from the dripping walls as though it was determined to loom around him and remind him of his mistakes. For while he was pleased about what he’d been able to do for them, how he’d protected them, it had created a distance between him and his family. In the two years he’d spent under the live-in contract with a client on the surface, he’d only seen them once, and then with Sarah’s terminal diagnosis…
“I wiped all trace of their existence and never spoke a word about them to anyone else, save those who already knew, like Master Theta. All the credits I’ve earned over the years have gone to them, to help them both live as normal a life as you can get on Lower Xerxes.”
“You should be proud of yourself for that,” Kyle murmured. His eyes were downcast, and he’d loosened his grip on him. Pulling away emotionally as well as physically, Akira couldfeelit. “I get why you needed to protect them, I really do. But it means you don’t trust me to do the same, and…I don’t know what to do with that.”
“I trust you,” Akira promised, feeling the pain of Kyle’s words in his heart. “At first I lied to protect them, and then to protect you, and then...it was all too far gone to fix.” Fuck,words werehard.“I’m a coward, Kyle, especially when it comes to you. I’ve loved you for five years and I never told you.”
“Don’t say that to me! You just told me you…!”
Kyle took a devastating step backwards, scraping his fingers through his hair.
Oh,shit.
“I’m not in love with Sarah!” Akira blurted out, realising he’d stupidly, blindly, forgotten to tell Kyle that amongst all his other confessions. He might have said something about it the night of the Fall, but if it was a blur to Akira, he imagined it was doubly so to the man who’d been rendered unconscious a few minutes later. OfcourseKyle would assume he’d married Sarah because he loved her...to someone like him, marriage was a sacred act only entered into with one’s true love. But life wasn’t always so simple. “It’s just you. You’re all there is, Kyle.”
“All?” Kyle asked sceptically. “What about your-”
“My wife and daughter of course have my love,” Akira clarified. “But it is a different kind of love to what I feel for you, Kyle, which is an unequivocal certainty that youcompleteme. You bring me life. You are my only star in the dark night sky, my compass and my guide, the essence of my soul.”
Kyle stared at him.
“I promise, there’s room in my heart for all of you. As bitter and twisted as that heart may be,” he added quietly, causing Kyle’s eyes to flash with silent admonishment.
“I should have told you,” said Akira again. He should have those words tattooed on his skin, just like the kanji he’d gotten after Sarah and Robby had been hurt because of him.Omoidasu,the inked letters said in their illicit language.Remember. It was a reminder to himself to not lose focus or become distracted, because the two of them were all that mattered.
But they weren’t, because there was Kyle too, and was Akira too much of a hopeful fool to believe he could have it all?
He forced himself to push through, becausehopeful foolwas the embodiment of the man standing before him. If anyone could truly understand, it would be Kyle.
“I never, for one moment, thought you would betray my trust if I told you about my family, Kyle. It was only that when we met, I didn’t know you, and by the time I wondered if I should say something, it already felt too late. I was terrified. Because what would you have done if I’d told you I had a wife?”
Kyle just swallowed, the question reflected back in his piercing gaze.
“You’d have left,” Akira said dully. “You wouldn’t have let me near you, because you’re a good person, Kyle, and I’m...I’m not. I wanted you. I wanted you to wantme, and I wasn’t strong or selfless enough to do the right thing.”
The blonde thought about that for a long moment.
“If you’re not in love with Sarah,” he asked, “then why did you marry her?”
“Because I’m in a lifelong commitment to her,” answered Akira with honesty, “and she me, because of Robby and the promises we made as her parents. At the time, it felt like a good way of proving that to each other. But we’ve never lived as husband and wife, I swear to you. We slept together that one time only, and otherwise Sarah Miyasaki nee Collins and I have been the best of friends and nothing more.”
Kyle nodded slowly. Four times, Akira counted, because focusing on such details kept him from breaking down into boneless sludge on the ground. Four times, his expression cascading through many different emotions as though Akira was witnessing him process it all at high speed.
And perhaps he was. Because Kyle may have been despairingly useless at self-preservation, but when it came to his other skills, he could be incredibly astute. His emotional intelligence was second to none. If there was anyone who couldtake on the massive burden of what Akira had just conveyed to him and barely blink before making a decision about it, it was Kyle.
His beautiful face finally settled. He looked…wry.
“You obeyed,” Kyle said.
It took Akira a moment to realise what he meant.
Make me understand.
