Page 44 of Hero Hair

“I couldn’t be sure. I’ve never done this before.”

“Did this just turn into a real relationship?” I have the express desire to call my friends and squeal like a pig, then I remember they think this relationship has been real for weeks. It’s a kill joy.

“Somewhere in between car head and you screaming profanities at my ceiling while you came a half dozen times, it happened without our permission.”

I can tell he doesn’t like admitting that, like perhaps it makes him a lesser individual for not being able to control his feelings. Doesn’t he know I feel the same way?

“It wasn’t because of the, well, the messing around, right? I established rules about men spending the night for this very reason. You know this probably won’t end well?” My stupid insecurities force me to ask questions that embarrass me.

Macs laughs and swallows hard. “No, Teala, it’s not because you have the mouth of an angel, though I’m sure that helped things along. I like you. And you’re right, it will end with fire and venom, I’m sure.” He says it with a serious voice, and I can’t help but laugh.

“If you haven’t noticed, I’m sort of easy-going. I’m not the kind to hold a grudge and promise destruction of your life if it doesn’t work out. I’m good by myself,” I remind him. “I like you, too.”

I imagine his face right now and I sigh.

“See how much was accomplished with words?” he asks. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

He clicks off the phone, and I’m so fucking giddy I scream out loud and stand to jump around on my bed. My mom flies into the room and throws the light on.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, her eyes wild, her head looking left and right for a threat. The gesture reminds me of when I was a little girl and she’d save me from my nightmares. Her gaze finally lands on me, standing in the middle of my bed with a grin on my face and her face softens. She smiles, shaking her head in confusion.

“It’s official!” I yell out, jumping once more just for good measure. I sit on the edge of my unmade bed and hug my cell phone to my chest.

“You’re officially something,” she says, walking toward me, her sleepy smile warming me. She sits next to me and pats a hand on my bare thigh. “What’s official, honey?”

She wouldn’t know the truth, either. She’s in the same category as my friends. I want to tell her how Macs was a womanizer, how he hasn’t slept with anyone else since he met me. I want to tell her how we haven’t even had sex yet even though we probably would have on our very first date. I want to tell her how it all started off as pretending, and then things turned into something real and visceral. I can’t tell her any of those things, though, because I’m messed up and I don’t want to put it on display.

“Macs and I,” I state. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.

“Was it not before?”

“It was,” I say quickly. “We just kind of solidified it. That’s all.”

She smiles at me again, her white teeth gleaming. “I could have told you that earlier. Don’t you see the way he looks at you?”

I don’t, and it makes my stomach roll in disbelief. Viola is an expert at reading people. After my father broke her, she spent a lot of her time studying those around her. I think she was trying to figure out how she didn’t see the blow coming. She trusted too much. Loved too much and got destroyed because of it. Now she sees things the normal human can’t possibly understand. It’s a gift that only those who have been tortured a very specific way can claim. She pats my back.

“He’s crazy about you,” she says.

I’m lost in thought—in revelation. Could she be wrong? Or am I that unseeing? Just like Viola was before she was crushed? Tears prick the corner of my eyes. “Why did he do that to you?”

She takes my shoulders and faces me front on. “Don’t compare the past to your future.”

“Only idiots don’t learn from mistakes, Mom,” I say. A traitorous tear cuts down my cheek. “Why did he do that to you? You’re perfect. Look at you!” If she can’t hold onto an awful man, how am I supposed to keep Macs Newstead? It’s hopeless.

“Because it was a lesson I needed. That’s it. You deserve to be happy. You’re already successful. What makes you think you can’t have a successful relationship? You think I don’t know about your commitment issues, Teala? Anyone can see them from a mile away. That man watches you like you alone shift the Earth on its axis. I’m not wrong about these things.” She hugs me, and I go willingly into the crook of her neck and inhale the sweet scent of her facial lotion. It smells like flowers and honey. It reminds me of so much.

Closing my eyes, I breathe. I’m an adult woman seeking solace in my mother’s embrace. What must she think of me? How weak can one person be? “I’m scared,” I admit.

“If you weren’t scared, it wouldn’t be worth it,” she says, smoothing my hair down like she did when I was a little girl. “Macs is probably just as scared, honey. Love is funny like that. It pushes you up to the edge of a really steep cliff and gives you an option to jump and fly or jump and fall.”

I pull away to look at her face. “That’s utterly morbid, Mom.” I narrow my eyes, letting my tears stay where they are.

She smiles and wipes at my face with her thumbs. “All you have to do is remember to flap your wings. A little falling is inevitable.” She pats my head, turns off the light, and walks out of my room without a backward glance. She doesn’t shut the door, and I hear the television in her room. She has the news on. I close my door against more bad news about the state of our world. Retreating to my bed, I throw myself back and slip under my covers, feeling like a small child.

I think about a lot of things while I’m trying to fall asleep. Like, does my mom adhere to her own advice? Is Macs scared too? What happens to us when he deploys? Do I even want a relationship? Will it affect my studio? No, I won’t let it. What happens if it doesn’t work out between us?

What happens if it does? I need to talk to Carina. She’s in the same boat I am. She’ll know what to tell me.

I fall asleep eventually, my thoughts on one very masculine dimpled smile, and the words he said that changed everything.

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