Page 72 of Hero Hair
“The attacks?” I ask. I keep my distance. Her gaze is fixed on the floor.
She shrugs. “Kind of. Mostly you leaving in the midst of it. I stayed at my mom’s for a while, but I wasn’t getting better. I figured if I tried to pretend my life was normal and came back here life would improve. It did for a little while.”
We’re getting somewhere.
“You knew what my job was. From the get-go. Before you told me how you felt about me. I was always going to leave. One way or another I was going to leave.”
“You forget I’ve never done this before, Macs. Let alone with someone who leaves for a job.”
I suck in a deep breath. “I can’t change that.”
“And that’s why we won’t work. I wish I were a stronger person. I’m not. Maybe one day I’ll change.”
I shake my head. “I won’t be here then. I’m here now. This is it.” I raise and lower my arms.
“Then go,” she whispers. “Solve this for both of us.”
“Fuck you, Teala. I don’t need anything solved for me. I came here thinking I was going to see my girlfriend. Assuming I was going to make love to the woman who I’m in fucking love with. The woman I’m fucking crazy about,” I shout, my hands again fists by my sides. “I did get crazy. I’ll give you that much.” I snarl a breath and rake her body from head to toe in disgust.
She scoffs. “Awww. Is this our first real fight? Fuck you back. I am crazy. For thinking this would ever work.” She smiles, but I see the overwhelming sadness below the surface.
I shake my head. There’s no reasoning with her.
“I’m not leaving because you told me to. Or to solve anything for you. I’m leaving because I love and miss my girlfriend. And she’s not here.”
Teala collapses on the floor. I grab my shit, then turn to look at her. She’s crying real tears now. I get the fuck out of there as fast as I can.
I run into Viola in the hallway as she’s blowing out of the elevator, her arms full of bags. One look at my face tells her everything.
“She’s talking to someone, Macs. I’m so sorry you had to see her like that.” She speaks of Teala like she’s a ten-year-old. Not a grown adult woman. She explains how the attacks triggered repressed memories and emotions. How the doctor thinks she needs time to sort through her issues. In the meantime we’re supposed to let her cope in any way she sees fit. What does that mean? Let her fuck her way through the remnants of San Diego?
I listen to Viola talk. I do. And I even try to pay attention and let her words sink in, but I’ve already made the decision to cut ties. It’s not for selfish reasons. Not because I couldn’t handle seeing her like this. I’m a strong man. I’ve buried more friends and brothers than I can count. Men have died whilst staring into my eyes.
I’m turning my back now because what if this is her forever? I’m not ignorant to the way things like this work. Quite the opposite. I’ve seen it too much: insomnia, mistrust, agitation, emotional detachment, self-destructive behavior. Many times it doesn’t go away. It changes people down to their fundamental core. Viola is in tears as she explains how she watched it happen. How Teala got out of bed one day and wasn’t herself.
I cut her off. “Viola. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. And as sad as it is, I can’t stay around to watch it unfold. If I’m the trigger, me being around isn’t going to help her. I’ll be the reason for her grief personified. She made it quite clear about her feelings for me.” My tone is even, stoic, utterly terrified. Not for myself, either. For Teala. “I’m so sorry. She doesn’t want my help. She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“Don’t apologize. I understand completely.” Her smile reminds me of the genuine one Teala wears after she tells a joke. A lump forms in my throat.
I sigh, unable to keep my fucking mouth shut. “Keep me posted on how she’s doing? I’ll be in town for a bit before they send me away on another mission. I know everything is twisted, but if you need me. Call me. I can’t see her, though,” I say, wincing. I swallow hard. “It’s too hard.” I want to fuck her. And throttle her until Teala comes back. “For her,” I explain when she looks upset.
She shakes her head. “You realize you’re doing what she thought you would. Her worst fear realized. The scenario she concocted in her mind is coming true.” Give her something to actually be upset about then.
Teala. Teala. Teala.No one understands I witnessed a fucking nightmare. One that will haunt me for the rest of time. This is what happens when you fall in love with fire and life douses it with water instead of gasoline.
