Page 74 of Hero Hair

I grunt to confirm.

“What was your last one?”

I’d like to nip this in the bud. I’ve already spokenhisname. Something I’d rather not do, and I remember the last time Dr. Rhodes brought up the dreams. He asked if I would have a meeting with my father. I told him I’d rather stab myself in the eye a thousand times, but that niggling DNA thread that binds us forever won out and I met with him. Right here on this sofa. Something miraculous happened during the time spent questioning him. I understood. He gave me what I needed. Closure. I never realized something that seemed so insignificant could make me breathe such a sigh of relief. Was I magically healed? Fuck no. I’m still muddled by a cloud of confusion and suffocated by the what-ifs with Macs. The nightmares of my father leaving are gone, though.

Was my dad an idiot? Yes. So are a lot of men and women in this world who let fleeting feelings guide them to their destination instead of clinging strong to morals and promises. My life is a reflection of that, a mirroring image of what my father did without that one, very important facet. I never committed to anyone.

“Yes. Nightmares,” I confirm.

“Not taking the medication? It might be the only way you get rest, Teala. You look better. You’re putting weight back on again, but nothing can account for lack of sleep. You should try the pills again. Give them a chance to work. You may have a brand-new outlook once you wake after eight hours of sleep. The world will have a new hue.” It makes sense, but he doesn’t get it. Not fully, anyways. It’s my fault. “Tell me what’s bothering you right now.”

“I guess I’m just upset Macs didn’t check in on me after all this time has passed. It’s like I meant nothing to him. Granted, I pushed him away. Thoroughly. But he knew how much he meant to me and he didn’t try.”

“Ah, he didn’t chase. That’s not in everyone’s personalities, you know? From the little you’ve told me it doesn’t occur to me that Macs would be one to chase regardless of how he feels,” Dr. Rhodes explains.

I nod. “You’re right. I thought we had something more.”

He scribbles on his little tablet with the end of a pen. “Would it change how you felt if you knew he did care? That perhaps he was checking in on your progress from time to time?”

Sitting straight up and staring my doctor down, I say, “Did he?”

He has no tells. I’ve tried before. You know? Trigger an eye twitch or maybe a movement in his neck or mouth. Nothing. I bet he could go on a killing rampage and pass a lie detector test with flying freaking colors.

He seems hesitant to kill my hope. “I don’t know. You would find it heartening if he did, though.”

Ugh. It was just a trick to gauge my reaction. He writes something else down.

“Things with Macs were always tedious because we’re the same.”

He clears his throat. “You were both promiscuous without need for committed relationships?”

“Just call me a whore, why don’t you?” I smile. “Yes. And that we both wanted the same things to start and when it shifted, we fell in love at the same time. It was hard and all-consuming and I don’t doubt if he never left I’d be talking to him right now instead of you.” I let my gaze flick back to the book on the floor. I pick it up and sit back down. “I’m not the same.”

He nods. “You’re better every time I see you. Look at the leaps and bounds you’ve made with your father!”

I shiver.

I smooth the cover of the book in my hand. “My friend has a book signing. Carina. I’ve mentioned her before to you. It’s local. I think I’ll go to it. It’s walking distance. Down on 4th.” My poor friend is in rough shape as well. Her SEAL hauled off and broke her heart into a million pieces. She was able to have her revenge in the form of a novel. The title isNever Forever,and I’m sure it’s going to be my new favorite story.

“I think that’s a great idea. You have a clear head and a nice haircut now,” Dr. Rhodes says, nodding at me, laughing. “You should go. It will be a great outing for you. Get some fresh air. You’ll be surprised by how much has changed. Everything is different, but the things that remain the same will be comforting.”

Immediately I cover my head in embarrassment. “I can’t believe I cut my hair. Macs saw me like that, you know? He made a joke, like it didn’t even bother him. I saw it in his eyes, though. He was terrified of me.” I glance over my shoulder at the window. “He came here after being gone for a month, and I made him fuck me against that window. I was a walking disaster, and he did it anyways because I asked him to. He was scared. That big, muscled SEAL. Hah,” I say, laughing to myself, yet grimacing at the memory. I barely even remember having sex with him. My frame of mind was skewed almost completely.

“Why do you think he was so scared?”

“He told me why. He missed and loved his girlfriend and she wasn’t there. It was akin to having sex with a stranger for him. It’s pretty close to the truth to be honest, but it hurts so badly. I know you’re going to ask why, so I’ll just keep going. It hurts because I had multiple opportunities to take him in my arms and tell him I loved him. Macs was waiting. He didn’t just storm off at my first outburst. He took it all, swallowed it, and waited around for more abuse.” This memory hurts the worst.

“You haven’t spoken to him since he left?”

I shake my head. “Not even once.” I look down at the pink, worn-out novel.

“Do you think he knows how you feel now?”

I meet Dr. Rhodes’ gaze with tears in my eyes. “Of course he knows.”

He smirks and it’s smug. I swear if he saysI see, I’ll knock him out. I may not have all the muscles I used to, but what I lack in biceps I make up for in pure fury. “What’s the worst possible thing that could happen if you told him how you felt? If he already knows, then it’s not new information for him. He’ll shrug it off and he’ll go about his business like he has been. If he’s not aware you’re still in love with him, well, then maybe it would sway his mind about chasing a woman. The very least you can do is apologize to him for the things you said and didn’t mean.”

It seems crazy. Implausible even. “I hate it when you’re right.”

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