Page 75 of Hero Hair

Dr. Rhodes laughs. I smile. “I can’t call him out of the blue. I don’t even know if he’s in town. Macs is busy saving the world. Literally.”

“If he ever loved you at all, Teala, he will make time to listen to you. Perhaps you should email him? As a starter? Test out the waters. The Internet is up and active everywhere again. There’s no reason he wouldn’t receive an email.”

“Best-case scenario, he agrees to meet with me so I can tell him what an awful person I was and apologize. He’s always going to leave, Dr. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with that.”

“Leaving is in direct correlation of arriving.”

“Or coming,” I joke.

His face reddens, and he twists his short beard in between his forefinger and thumb.

“I’m joking. I’m joking,” I chide, putting my palms up.

Dr. Rhodes sighs and scribbles on his tablet. “Anything worth having is worth losing. Sometimes having someone is just as painful as losing someone because of situations like this one. You have to decide what you’re willing to accept and draw the line in the sand. If you can’t handle his career then it may be best if you don’t get in touch with him. Let sleeping dogs lie.” It’s impressive he’s able to recover from my dirty joke so quickly, but he has a sense for my personality by this point in our relationship. How easily he got me to talk about Macs. I can’t even remember how he did it.

“Have you seen any men since our last visit?” he asks, changing the subject, but not really.

I walked right into this one.

****

Carina is sitting next to me at my desk. She’s pulled up a cube that functions as a stool or a table.

“Help me make this sound better than it actually is,” I whine. My head is in my hands as I scan the words in front of me on my screen.

“I can’t believe you said those things to him. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to bring them up again in this email. Especially because the title of it is, ‘I’m sorry.’ My advice is to glaze over the finer details of what you’re apologizing for, Teala. Focus on the bigger picture and the fact that you feel bad for the things you said when you weren’t feeling yourself,” Carina says, wincing. “I mean, gosh. You are like a man. Letters and emails are the worst things in the world,” she goes on.

Smith, the SEAL who broke up with her did it by a fucking letter. Don’t get it twisted. It was more of a love letter than a breakup letter, which makes him that much more of an asshole. I don’t tell Carina that, though. She’s just getting out of her house these days, too.

Life will never be the same after the attacks. I will always watch my back or wonder if the parking garage is too full or if someone is lurking just beyond the corner, waiting to do bad things to good people. It’s a sick feeling, but with it comes a sense of responsibility. The patriotism in our country is at an all-time high. Everyone is helping each other. We’re all in the same boat. Carina endured a bomb that went off at a mall that morning. Thank God she lived and only has small scars as a reminder.

I hit the delete key and remove the nasty phrases. “I wish I were a writer like you. I bet if you wrote this he’d forgive me.”

She sighs. “Can’t you call him? I heard they’re in town still. Not for long, though. I was talking to Moose, and they’re leaving on a mission soon. I check in on Smith because I’m a glutton for punishment.”

I wrinkle my nose and pierce her with an ugly face. “You are, aren’t you? Do you know when they’re leaving?”

She shakes her head. Carina is the one who brought me his email address. She had to weasel it out of Moose, I guess. I type it into the To: line and take a few deep breaths. “I need to finish this and get down to the studio,” I tell her.

“You can do hard things, Teala Smart. He wasn’t in the right either. You’re being the bigger person by initiating the conversation.”

“You sound like my psychiatrist. Are you sure you don’t want to moonlight?” I ask. “Let me read you what I’m sending,” she says.

Macallister,

I apologize for being an awful human being. I wasn’t myself, but then again you knew that when you left and never came back to check on me. I don’t fault you for that…too much. I wish things could have been different between us. I’m better these days. I’m back at the studio, my glutes and hammies came back to say hello, I met with my father and didn’t kill him, I talk to a mysterious bearded man twice a week about my feelings, and I miss you a lot.

Not like, I miss you, but don’t come see me, either. I hope you’re well and driving the remaining female population wild with your dimples. Anyways, I’m just apologizing for everything. Blanket apologies are our thing, I suspect. Please be safe wherever your travels take you.

Love,

Teala

Carina sighs. “I like it. It’s direct and to the point. You’ve accomplished your goal. You’re sorry and he knows it.”

I wonder if he’s sorry about everything that happened.

I hit send before my nerves cause me to sling my Macbook at the window instead. Once the message is confirmed as sent, I widen my eyes in horror. “What if I want more than to apologize? Was there enough leeway in there for reconciliation? Fuck!”

“Stop worrying. If he loves you, it won’t matter what you said in there. You reached out. That’s all he’ll need.”

He doesn’t email me back.

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