Page 54 of Crazy Good
A random stranger would be able to recognize the guilt that sits on my shoulders. I shake my head. I would have died for Stone in a heartbeat. He did what I would have if I were thinking clearly. I’m not sure which is worse. The guilt I carry or actually being dead. The latter seems preferable at the moment.
“He’d still be alive if I didn’t fall for Windsor. That’s a fact. I’m a fuck-up.”
“You are not a fuck-up. She loves you, Maverick. You need people who love you around. She deleted the photo because she didn’t want you to concern yourself with it. Johnny was trying to talk to her all night. You know what she said when she finally did talk to him?”
I haven’t heard this story yet. Honestly, I fucking forgot about it. It’s funny how something so insignificant becomes such a powerful catalyst. I nod, urging her to continue, though I’ve already made up my mind about Windsor.
“She told him she’s so in love with you that she can’t see straight. And then she thanked him for cheating on her because she’d never have met you otherwise.” Morganna lays her head on my chest. I try to swallow, but it gets stuck in my throat. “I broke confidentiality and told her about that bitch, Monica. She was still angry you lied, but I bet you’d have a shot with her. You need her, Mav. Trust me, love like that only comes around once.”
I kill her husband and she tries to salvage my relationship. It makes me sick.
I sigh. It’s painful, and reminds me that I have to keep breathing. “I’ll always love Windsor. She’s the only one for me, but I can’t be with her. We have each other. We’ll get through this, Morg. We’ll get through it.”Because I have to be strong for you,I think. Stone would want that.
Morganna sniffles. “Don’t make this more tragic than it has to be.” Her wise words rattle around in my mind, but eventually peter out. I refuse to take things I don’t deserve. I won’t destroy another life. “We do have each other. But don’t think I’ll sleep with you.” She smiles against me. I kiss the top of her head. My heart aches more than I thought possible.
Several silent, morbid seconds pass. We’re both thinking of him.
“Come with me tomorrow. I need you,” she admits. “No one knows what this feels like except you. You’re the only one who understands. I miss him, God. I miss him.”
I miss you too, Bro.If there was ever a time I believed in a God or a place after death, it’s now. Because someone like Stone doesn’t just stop. It’s impossible.
“I need you too, Morg. I’ll be with you all day tomorrow. I wouldn’t be anywhere else,” I tell her, hugging her close. Stone’s sweatshirt still smells like him. He’s here in bed with us. Smiling, I shake my head at the fucked up thought.
“I invited her. She’ll be there,” Morganna says. I’m still amazed how quickly Phillipe organized the funeral. Morg didn’t have any part of it. She couldn’t. Phillipe knew without asking exactly what needed to happen. I told Morg she needed to pay him more. She agreed.
I clear my throat. “Everyone will be there,” I counter. Avoidance.
She changes the subject. “Read me the letter, Maverick. Read it to me,” Morganna whispers.
We’ve put it off long enough. I know if I hesitate another second, I won’t do it. Sliding my fingers under the flap, I open the envelope and pull out the two letters. I glance at Morganna, shake my head sadly, and open the perfect fold. Using more bravery than I’ve ever possessed, I read.
Morganna, Morg, my fuzzy kitten wrapped in canon ball metal:
Do you remember the time we went to Belgium? We spent a night drinking honey beer and talking to an old guy that kept showing us phone pictures of his half-naked, overweight girlfriend? I spoke French all night and you smoked stogies like a fucking Mafia lord. God, you are so fuckin’ hot. What about the time I tried to teach you to surf on a long board? The sight of you riding that huge wave makes me smile. Remember what you did to me on our wedding night? You freak.
The smile you have on your face right now (I know you’re smiling after that last question) is the reason I fell in love with you. If you’re reading this letter you’re gonna have to use that same perfect, fucking smile to trap another badass mofo’. I know you will and you need to know that I want you to move on.
Because you saved me, Morg and if you never saved another bad seed it would be worse than my lost life. And because you saved me, I could save Maverick. You know what that means to me.
I want you to understand you are the reason I live and breathe. My world gravitates around you. That hot fucking sun rises and sets because you live on this planet. It’s your face I see every time I close my eyes. It’s like you’re tattooed on the back of my eyelids. (Fuck, why didn’t I think of that sooner?) Don’t think anything different happened when I closed my eyes for the final time. I saw your face. In fact, when I get to the pearly gates, I expect to see your beautiful head residing on God’s body. That’s the only sight I want to see for eternity. If I don’t get it, I want my fucking money back. I love you, Morganna Sterns. I love every single piece of your perfect body and twisty-fuck mind. I love all of you.
Take care of Maverick. Take care of each other. You are the great love of my life. I’m sorry my life took away your love. It was the only thing capable of taking it—that’s something, right?
I’m sorry for a lot of things if you’re reading this. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a rock-n-roll son, or a devious daughter with your beautiful face. I’ll never get to see you hold our baby, or listen to you sing sweet lullabies with that hot southern drawl. I’m just sorry I went and got myself killed. I died doing what I love. I can say without a doubt that I died with pride filling my body. But my heart? That’s always only yours. Just yours. Nothing holds me like you do.
Wear the tight blue dress to the funeral. Don’t let them play bad music either.Pour Some Sugar on Mehas to be included in the play list. I won’t be satisfied unless my mother is mortified. Keep your head up and tits out. Live on, baby. This isn’t goodbye—It’s see you later.
Forever, crazy, endless love,
Stone
Morganna is crying, somewhere in between happy and completely destroyed. Before I lose my nerve, I unfold the second letter and pull Morganna into the crook of my arm.
Mavvy, Brother, Thomas twin:
We are seven years old standing on the roof of my parent’s house. We have my mother’s best bath towels wrapped around our fucking necks. Side by side, our arms wrapped around each other’s backs. We counted to three and jumped from a second story roof. That should have been the first sign we were fucking crazy. We thought we could fly that day. I broke my right arm and you broke your left arm. We didn’t let go of each other even when we hit the damn ground. We never let go. Our parents were so pissed. How many planes have we jumped out of since then (successfully)? At least 500? We never leave each other behind. You’re reading this, so I must have left you. It’s obviously against my will because I’d never leave you without a fight.
Life is short, man. It’s too fucking short. Let go of all the hate. Reach out to your parents. They won’t turn you away…I know it. How? I talk to them, bro. They care about you. Give them a chance to know the real you. The man who is strong, wise, and capable of anything he sets his mind to. The man who was my friend before I even knew what a friend was. You are the man who gave my life purpose with one sentence, “Let’s be Navy SEALs.” Thank you, Mav. Thank you.
