Page 173 of I Can't Even Think Straight

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“I’ve thought about it a lot,” says Matt.

“Oh yeah?” I ask, fake-casual again.

“Yeah...” He trails off.

He shakes his head

and narrows his eyes,

disappointed in me

for not taking the bait,

or in himself for taking so long

to get to the point.

“Have you come to a conclusion?”

I ask, to help him along.

He weighs his words before he speaks.

“When I said, ‘I want that one day,’

the person I saw myself with was you.”

That’s what I’ve been waiting to hear,

but it doesn’t feel like enough.

“What do you see now?” I ask.

“I see you, Kai. Only you,” Matt says.

“I know you’re seeing Obi.

I know it’s selfish of me to tell you now.

But you’re the person I see myself with.”

He weighs his words once more.

“You know, in the future, when I’m out.”

I wince because it feels like

I’ve been punched in the gut.

Matt’s words wind me worse

than my crash landing yesterday.

This dream is unraveling.

Matt’s only talking

about this hypothetically, isn’t he?

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