Page 47 of I Can't Even Think Straight

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“I can only speak for myself,”

Matt says, in a bizarre voice,

like an undercover policeman

pretending to be a gang member.

“I’m not gay, that’s all I’m saying.”

Matt pats me on the back.

What does this mean?

Go ahead and tell them?

Is this my opportunity

to come out to The Boys?

Was that Matt’s blessing?

I scan six pairs of eyes.

It’s a moment in time but it’s like a lifetime:

Matt, Nathan, Kwesi, Kojo, Abdi, and Sam

wait for me to speak.

I feel a surge of embarrassed heat.

I feel tears welling in my eyes.

I can’t cry here in front of The Boys

and everyone in the lunch hall.

Kojo looks away.

Abdi pipes up: “So, Kai, are you gay?”

“Shut up, man,” says Sam, nudging Abdi.

Nathan looks from me to Matt,

from Matt back to me,

like a fight is about to break out.

For a moment I think

I might like to fight Matt,

take my chances and throw a punch

at the amateur

boxer.

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