Page 105 of Outcast
“Was it really raining or…”
“No, those are my parents’ tears. They rained for weeks, months. I couldn’t cry, not after they told us he was dead. Before then, it was all waterworks, but after—” I stopped, finding it hard to breathe.
Gray pulled me in against his chest, holding me and stroking my hair. Comforting me.
I pulled away. “Don’t feel sorry for me. It’s my fault. It’s my fault he died. I don’t deserve any comfort. I’ve been trying to make up for it my whole life, but there isnomaking up for it.” I shook my head hard. “I shouldn’t be here. Shouldn’t be with you. I’m just so fucking selfish, Gray. I should be giving my family anything they want, not…not…”
“Living for you?”
“What right do I have to live for me when he doesn’t get to live at all?”
I rolled out of the bed. “I should go. I need to go.”
“You’re not alone, Em,” he said, but he didn’t know the whole story. He didn’t understand.
“I feel responsible for my parents’ deaths too,” Gray said. “I carry that with me. I always will. That survivor’s guilt. But I can’t change it. And neither can you. Being the perfect child will never take away that loss for your parents.”
I sucked in a harsh breath. “Great. Thanks.”
He came around the bed, standing in front of me, grasping my shoulders. “You were just a kid, Emory. You lost your brother. That’s not your fault.”
“You don’t know what happened.”
“It doesn’t matter what happened,” he countered. “You were a child. Accidents happen.”
“It wasn’t an accident,” I exclaimed. “He jumped out of that tree. He jumped out of it because I wouldn’t. It was just a stupid game. He died for agamethat I wanted to play! Only I was too chicken to take that dare, and Adam was never afraid of anything.”
“Jesus, Emory.”
“So now you see? I might as well have pushed him myself.”
“No. You didn’t make him do that. You were afraid to take that dare, and you were right to be. It was too dangerous.”
“He was supposed to jump into the lake. He misjudged it. Maybe I’d have made it if I took the dare. If I hadn’t been too scared.”
“Or maybe you’d have died instead, and before you say it, that wouldnotbe better, Emory. Don’t even think it.”
“But my brother—” My voice broke.
Gray pulled me in and held me tight. “I know,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry you had to lose him. Sorry you had to see it happen. But you’ve got to let this guilt go, Em. It’ll eat you alive.”
I sank into his hold, ashamed that his words comforted me. Knowing he had endured so much worse than me. I’d lost my brother, but he’d lost his family. His home. Been tossed into foster care. Then lostthatfamily as well.
“You’re too good for me,” I whispered into his neck.
“No, golden boy. You’re the good one.” He squeezed me a little tighter. “I’m so damn lucky to be holding you right now.”
“Holding me together,” I mumbled.
“Maybe it’s time you let someone do that. I’m guessing it doesn’t happen often.”
I sighed, suddenly exhausted. “No, it doesn’t.”
“Come on,” he said. “Let’s get back into bed. I’ll hold you all night.”
I hesitated, and he ducked his head to meet my eyes, a gentle smile tugging at his lips. “It’s nothing I haven’t done for Axel and Bailey. We all know pain, Em, but we don’t have to be alone with it.”
I relented. “Okay. Allison is still at my apartment with her boyfriend, anyway.”
