Page 101 of Worth the Wait
Freddie’s chest ached. Not from jealousy, but from Nathan’s words. The unspoken loneliness. The way he’d had to fragment himself to get by. The way he always had to as a kid.
So he tightened his hold on Nathan, pressing a kiss into his hair. “You’re not out there now.”
Nathan’s reply was barely a whisper. “No. I’m not.”
“But you’re still not ready, are you? To tell your old man? To admit who you are.”
Nathan rose from Freddie’s chest, propping himself up on one arm. He looked down at him, and for a long moment, their eyes locked. The air between them shifted. Thick.Fragile. Freddie held his breath, bracing. He knew that look. Nathan’s honesty could cut like glass, even when it came wrapped in softness. He’d asked for the truth. And Nathan had never been one to sugarcoat it.
Nathan glided his hand up from Freddie’s waist, tracing a lethargic path over his chest before cupping his jaw, swiping his thumb gently over his stubble. “I can’t give you a clean answer.”
Freddie’s heart sank. Until Nathan kept speaking.
“And if you’d told me even a week ago that I’d be here—naked, tangled up with you, after the best damn fuck of my life—I’d have laughed in your face. Told myself not to be so fucking naïve. That forgiveness don’t come easy. That you’d never look at me the way you used to.”
“But now that youarehere?”
“Now I am here…I don’t want to walk away again. Run from any of it.You.” He licked his lips as if forcing himself to speak. “I don’t know what that means for you. I didn’t come back here expecting to fall back into your bed, or your life. We’re not the same boys we were. We’ve built different lives. Different scars. Things are complicated now. I’ve got to put Alfie first.”
He paused, still stroking Freddie’s cheek, gaze searching his.
“But fuck, Fred… Iwantthis. I wantyou. And for the first time in years, I’m scared shitless of wanting something that much. Am I ready for it, though? That’s a tougher ask. And honestly? I don’t know. Nor do I know if I’m ready to be the father Alfie needs.”
A ghost of a smile tugged at Freddie’s lips before he pulled Nathan down into a kiss. Languid, tender, full of quiet promise. Nathan melted into it. Intohim. And Freddie felt it in every quiet exhale, every loosening muscle. When their mouths parted, Freddie cradled Nathan’s face in both hands.
“You’re right,” he said. “We’re not the same kids we were. We’ve both been through hell and come out the other side carrying all sorts of baggage. But with that comes experience. Perspective.” He stroked his thumbs across Nathan’s cheekbones. “I’m not gonna blow up over things that are out of our control. Not yours, not mine. I can be patient. Iwantto be. I know you’ve got Alfie, and I can only imagine how hard that’s been… how much you’re trying to get right.”
Freddie drew in a breath.
“But fuck, Nate, I want you. I’ve always fucking wanted you. And even if you got up right now and walked out that door, never came back… I’d still want you. Always. So however long you need…I’ll wait for you. And I’ll keep waiting for you.”
Nathan’s breath shook. “You have no idea how many nights I lay awake halfway across the world thinking about this. You.” His voice dropped, cracked. “And every time, I told myself it was too late. That I’d broken it. That we were too far gone to find our way back.”
“You were always good at lying to yourself.”
Nathan let out a hollow laugh, but when he blinked, Freddie saw the shimmer in his eyes. Tears he wasn’t quite ready to let fall.
“I know I can’t erase what you’ve been though.” Freddie grazed a thumb under his eyes to catch a stray one. “I can’t know it all, or maybe even understand it. You got your demons. And I know right now you’re still trying to shake them and get back to something that might feel like normal for you, but that it doesn’t feel like it yet. But all that pain? All that fear and worry that you’ve buried so deep that it’s part of your wiring? I’m gonna love that shit out of you.”
Nathan skimmed his forehead over Freddie’s. “How do you always make me feel like I can take on the world when you’re there?”
“Cause you can, big man.”
Nathan shook his head, almost in disbelief. “I’m fucked up. There’s shit in my head I can’t shift. I’m never sure if I’m doing the right thing. I’m good at taking orders. Following someone else’s plan. Being the one who does, not the one who decides.” He exhaled hard. “I’ve always been the muscle. The backup. And now… now I’ve got this kid who looks at me like I’m supposed to know where we’re going. Like I’m the whole goddamn map. But truth is, I’m scared. Terrified I’ll steer him wrong. That I’ll take him off course and not know how to get him back.”
Freddie reached across the space between them, laying a hand over Nathan’s chest. He traced the tattoo inked into his skin. The compass, still bold, still true.
“Always north,” Freddie whispered. “That’s all he needs. To know you’ve got his back. That he’s not alone out there. That there’s someone waiting when he needs a place to land.Youare home. For him.” Freddie kissed him. “And for me.”
Nathan exhaled as if he was trying to breathe out years of tension in one go.
“I don’t know if I can be what he needs all the time. Or whatyouneed.”
“I’m not asking for perfect. I never was. And neither is he.” Freddie cupped the back of Nathan’s neck. “I wantyou, Nate. All of it. The rough edges. The wreckage. The parts you’ve buried so deep you’re scared anyone seeing them would run. I ain’t running. I never ran. I stayed right here, waiting. For you. I was always here for you. Even when you couldn’t be here for yourself. And yeah, you’ve got more weight on your back now. More shit you carry. But I’m ready to take some of that from you. Iwantto.” He leant in, pressing his forehead to Nathan’s. “Whatever fresh hell you walk into next, I’m walking in with you. I’ll be right there. Step for step. And if it gets bad… if you break…I’llbe your fucking armour.”
Nathan kissed him. Languid. Deep. And Freddie grasped onto it as if he was oxygen. Then he dragged Nathan down with him, guiding them both under the covers. Their bodies fit the way they always had, and Nathan curled around him, one arm slung across his waist, his forehead pressed to Freddie’s shoulder.
Then, soft and vulnerable, Nathan said, “You were the only thing I ever wanted to come home to.”
