Page 6 of A Good Heart is Hard to Find
‘No, but then, you’re not going to pop your clogs yet, are you? You’ve probably got years left, and you can write your own epitaph before you go.’
‘She dealt horror and death wherever she went?’ I suggested.
‘That’s more like it. And it’s always seemed to me that you had your life arranged to suit you pretty well – perhaps better than you realized.’
‘Oh yes, apart from feeling permanently guilty about Rosemary, only seeing Max for occasional weekends had a lot of advantages. He devoted himself to me when he was there, and the rest of thetime I could write, and research, and bum about in my old dressing gown looking an absolute dog.’ I sighed. ‘Of course, the downside was that there was never anyone but me to cope with the blocked drains, or the blown fuses, or even just keep me company when I felt lonely or down.’
‘And the infrequent sex,’ pointed out Orla, whose list of life’s priorities was perhaps not in quite the same orderas mine. ‘Why you’ve remained steadfastly faithful to the Unfaithful is one of the great paradoxes of all time. Max was definitely getting the best deal: a wife, a comfortable home and a career, plus someone young and pretty on the side. All he had to do was turn up when he felt like it with his little hamper of goodies and expensive bottles of plonk. No strings, no worries.’
‘He loves me!’ Iprotested, then paused. ‘Or – he did love me. He really did, Orla. When I finally agreed to this arrangement he actually cried! And he promised he would be faithful to me always.’
‘But was he?’ she queried cynically.
‘As far as I know, and I don’t really see how he’d have the time to be anything else, because he’s either been working, or under Rosemary’s eye, or here. Or playing golf, I suppose,which was originally only a cover story for his weekends away. If Rosemary hadn’t been an invalid, I’m sure he’d have left her soon after we met. But he always meant to marry me when she … well … when she—’
‘Died?’ Orla suggested helpfully.
‘That sounds so crude, but yes,’ I agreed guiltily.
‘You’re so credulous! Just because she’s partially paralysed after that skiing accident it doesn’t meanshe won’t live as long as anyone else if she has the proper care – which she does, doesn’t she?’
‘Yes, of course, the best of everything. And I never wanted her to die just so Max and I could marry … or not entirely. I’m guilty enough as it is.’
‘Oh, come on! You were a naive student from a strict family, desperate for love; he was a lecturer, your typical suave, handsome, older man in a positionof power. It’s only surprising that you resisted so long. Max should have let you go when you got that teaching job and moved here to Westery. You’d probably have found a nice man and have lots of children by now.’
‘Who knows? You thoughtyouhad a happy marriage until Mike suddenly asked for the divorce, didn’t you? But I would have liked the chance to have children, and that’s the only thingI’ve ever argued about with Max. He’s never wanted them, and I have, and the years pass so quickly. And then suddenly he tells me he’s off to America for a year with Rosemary!’
‘The bastard,’ comforted Orla. ‘Have the last of his whisky.’
‘He even said it would probably do our relationship good to be apart for a few months!’
‘Theabsolutebastard!’
‘Yes, and it was when he said he couldn’tpass up an opportunity like that, that I suddenly saw him – us – from a different perspective. Things sort of shifted.’
‘I should think so, after all the opportunities you’ve passed up for his sake.’
‘That’s what I said, and then we argued about the baby thing again, because I wanted to try and get pregnant before he left. I expect he thinks I will be past it when he gets back, and I probablywill be too, if I’m not already.’
‘I don’t know what you want one for anyway,’ Orla said. ‘But then, my maternal instincts are completely absent. How old are you now?’
‘Forty-four.’
‘Mmm … late, but you could still give it a go. You can get some sort of kit, can’t you, to test if you’re still fertile?’
‘Yes, but Max won’t be back for months, and even then I’d still have to persuade him.’
‘Not with Max. Someone else.’
‘But I don’t know anyone else except Jason, and he’s such an old friend I couldn’t possibly. And even if I could, just look how his son’s turned out!’ I shuddered. ‘Who’d want offspring like Tom?’
‘That’s a point,andhe’s as old as you. Whereas if you got a younger lover you’d probably have a better chance of getting pregnant – if you’re really serious about it.Maybe younger lovers are the way to go anyway? I mean, if I’m not going to find good sex and a soulmate combined in one package in my age group, I might at least have the good sex.’
‘IthoughtI had a soulmate, but he’s really keener on the golf than me these days. I’m just a habit to him.’
‘Convenient Cassy, always there when he wants you,’ agreed Job’s comforter. ‘Probably convenient to Rosemarytoo, because although she knows he’s unfaithful, at least it’s only with one person.’
‘I suppose so. But whenever I wonder if I could bring myself to break with him, I remember all the good times. And when he rings up and says he misses me, I just can’t do it! He can be so charming when he wants to be that the things I mean to say go right out of my head, and I can’t ring him back and say themlater, because I’ve no way of contacting him.’
