Page 44 of Finding Home
We’re pulled from the haze when Lila asks, “Can we come back tomorrow and ride Miley?”
I smile at her. “Dad’s on shift tomorrow. You and I have plans with Grandma.”
“Okay. Can we come the day after tomorrow, then?” she asks.
“We’ll see.”
The look of pure excitement in her eyes has me falling just a little more for this little girl.
TWENTY-FOUR
EVERETT
Chloe Maxwell has found ways to make me smile these last few weeks, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I couldn’t help myself as I watched her and Lila today in the field with Miley and the patience she showed Lila.
When we get back to the house, Lila heads into the kitchen to do her homework while Chloe says she’s going to read before dinner. As I’m cooking, I almost want to ask Chloe to come and join me. Not to help, but to just sit in the kitchen with me, and that’s what tells me I’m becoming obsessed with this woman. I should not want her to be with me all the time, but I do. Knowing she’s so close and yet I can’t have her has me on edge.
During dinner, Lila peppers Chloe with questions about horses and riding, and Chloe answers them all.
When Lila’s questions seem to have died down, Chloe says, “I’m heading to West Bridgejaw again this weekend with the girls, but I was thinking that we could head into town and get Lila a good pair of boots. If she’s going to be riding more, I want her to have something good to wear.”
“Really?” Lila asks.
Chloe grins at her and nods.
Lila jumps out of her chair and rounds the table, wrapping her arms around Chloe as best as she can. “Thank you, Miss M.”
Chloe hugs her back and says, “I’ll tell you what, how aboutwhen we’re not at school, you call me Chloe or my friends call me Chlo, and while we’re at school, you call me Miss M.”
Arms still wrapped around Chloe, Lila looks up at her. “I’d like that.”
The girls work together to clear the table, and I sit silently, watching them. When the last dish is in the dishwasher, Lila asks, “Chlo, will you read me my bedtime story tonight?”
Chloe immediately looks at me, and I nod and she smiles down at Lila. “Yeah, just come find me after your shower and we can pick out a book.”
Lila claps, and I follow her upstairs, getting the shower ready for her before she jumps in. I head into my room so I can still hear her if she needs anything and settle on my bed. Lila’s very independent, wanting to do things on her own as much as she can. I’m sure that bouncing between my place and Renee’s encouraged that. She was in constant change, having to switch houses, and when Renee passed a year ago, she lost a parent.
She doesn’t ask about Renee much, and I’m surprised and not at the same time. In the months leading up to Renee’s passing, she was giving up more of her days with Lila. I was forced to find other childcare a few times when I was on shift because Renee wouldn’t take her. I saw the toll it took on Lila, and it hurt not being able to do anything about it. I couldn’t force Renee to spend time with our daughter. As it kept happening, Lila started acting like it didn’t bother her, but I know it still did. She never brought it up, and I didn’t want to reintroduce her to a trauma that maybe she’s not ready for.
It wasn’t until the cops showed up at my place and told me they’d found Renee after she had overdosed that I learned she was seeing a new guy who got her into a bad crowd and doing things she shouldn’t have been. I was only glad that she had the fortitude to make the decision to not have that shit around Lila and had left her with me, even if that made things a little difficult at times. The thing that mattered most was Lila’s safety.
I’m still not sure if I’ve fully processed Renee’s death. We hadn’t been together for years before she passed, but she was still the mother of my daughter. She’d always have a piece of me for giving me Lila, Ican’t deny that. Life became so crazy trying to figure everything out now that she was gone, and then I found out about Grandma and life has been go, go, go since.
I worry that I can’t protect my daughter from all the horrible shit in this world. I know there are some certainties, like people die and people get sick, but how do I make sure she sees all the best things, too? How do I make sure she experiences the kind of love that every person in this world deserves? That she gets to find herself and who she truly is without expectations of the world and other people bearing down on her? She’s only six years old and yet, I know that in the blink of an eye, she’ll be sixteen and then thirty, and I’ll always question if I’ve done right by her.
Lila calls from the bathroom when she’s done, and I turn the shower off, helping her dry off and change into her pyjamas before she rushes downstairs and grabs Chloe. They come back upstairs and head straight into her bedroom, where Lila quickly climbs under the covers and shuffles close to the wall, waiting for Chloe.
“What book are we reading tonight?” Chloe asks.
“You pick,” Lila says, and Chloe scans the books on her bookshelf before finally settling on one. She climbs onto the bed beside Lila, and I lean against the door frame, watching them. Lila leans into Chloe as she reads, and they both smile as Chloe does different voices. A piece of my heart aches knowing that Lila will never get to experience this with Renee. That she’ll never get to cuddle her like this and have her read her bedtime stories.
I take a deep breath and slide out of the room and into the hallway, standing right outside her door where I can still hear Chloe reading, but I can no longer see them.
When Chloe finishes the book, I hear her whisper something to Lila before the light turns off and Chloe is joining me in the hallway, pulling her door closed.
“She likes it cracked,” I say, and she nods.
I head downstairs, and Chloe follows me, settling on her usual end of the couch while I settle on mine. I sigh and hold my head in my hands, staying like that for a few minutes before looking at Chloe, who’s already looking at me.
