Page 66 of Finding Home
Her hold on me has my resolve crumbling and my own tears falling as I instinctively start swaying while I run a hand up and down her back. This moment feels like it’s been the culmination of so much and she’s just hit a point where she can’t hold it in any more.
I know that feeling. The need to be strong and hold it all together, and then one thing happens, big or small, and it crumbles everything. The difference is I was almost ten years older than Lila when it happened to me the first time. She’s way too young to be dealing with this.
I kiss her temple, run my hand over her hair, and whisper, “I’ve got you, my sweet girl,” and her tears continue. I start walking with her, this innate need to hold her and let her know I’m here for her making me not care that she’s starting to feel a little heavy in my arms.
After some pacing, she’s still tightly wrapped around me, and I settle on the couch, not ready to let her go. Everett comes over and kisses the top of her head before cradling the side of my face with his hand, and I see so much emotion in his eyes as he stares at me. I’ve never seen him look at me that way. I turn and kiss his palm before he kisses the top of my head and heads back into the kitchen.
Lila and I sit on the couch, neither of saying anything, until I fall asleep with her still in my lap and my cheek pressed to her hair.
THIRTY-SIX
EVERETT
When Chloe picked up Lila and held her as though she’d protect my little girl with her life, the last of my defences protecting me from falling too deep crumbled. The way she held her, whispered to her, rubbed her back, and didn’t put her down even though I know her arms were getting tired snapped the last piece of the puzzle in for me. Chloe would go to war for Lila. Whether that was against the world or even me, Chloe will put Lila above all else.
She’s shown it in the way she’s taken her to the horses and allowed her to explore that hobby and connection. The way she’s listened to Lila and been a safe space for her. I’ve watched the two of them curled up watching movies together, the way she got Lila proper riding boots and Lila asked for ones to match Chloe’s.
I knew the day I met Chloe in Incahoots she’d be a great mom one day, I just never imagined it would be to my own daughter. When we moved to this small little town I had spent much of my childhood in, it was for the sole purpose of taking care of Grandma and giving Lila a safe place to grow up. I would have said you’re insane if someone had told me I’d find someone I’d grow to love in a way I’ve never loved in my entire life. I never felt for Renee the way I do for Chloe.
I’ve never been a soft and emotional man. I’ve cried twice in my adult life.
When I held Lila in my arms the first time, and when my grandfather passed.
With Chloe, emotions don’t feel like a burden or a weight that makes life more difficult. She’s made emotions so much more. She makes life look good again, like I’m not just here for my daughter, but I’m also here for Chloeandmyself.
When Renee started changing and wasn’t spending as much time with Lila, it felt as though I had the weight of the entire world on my shoulders. I was Lila’s sole provider, and I viewed it as my duty to make sure she had her mom and spent time with her. That feeling of duty was the sole reason I remained in Calgary and didn’t try to bring Lila here sooner.
Renee’s passing made that weight feel so much heavier. I knew I couldn’t provide Lila with everything she needed. A female role model is important. She needs to see other women be strong, fun, kind, generous, so she has something to emulate. Chloe is more than I could have wished or prayed for. She is everything I’d be proud for Lila to grow up to be.
After they settle on the couch together, I walk over and kiss the top of Lila’s head. The way she’s holding on to Chloe right now, I don’t see her letting go anytime soon. My eyes meet Chloe’s, and my hand instinctively cradles her face. I know my eyes are showing more than I can convey in words right now. She kisses my palm, and I press my lips to the top of her head, inhaling her scent, taking a small sense of peace before returning to the kitchen and giving them some space.
Trying to keep myself together, I pack up dinner and do the dishes by hand before putting them away and cleaning the table. When I return to the living room, both girls are passed out, Chloe’s cheek pressed to the top of Lila’s head. I lean against the kitchen entryway and take in the sight of them and how right they look together.
I push off the wall and grab a blanket, laying it over them before changing and heading downstairs to the gym, needing to work out some of these emotions with physical exertion.
After thirty minutes, I’m wiping my face with a towel when I catch Chloe sitting on the stairs watching me. She smiles softly before walking over to where I am. My hands find her hips,and I pull her closer and help her straddle my lap. We don’t say anything as her arms wrap around my neck and mine wrap around her waist.
I’m not holding her, we’re holding each other. We’re silently sharing strength, giving each other what the other needs. Peace settles over me. This inexplicable feeling that everything is going to work out. No matter what hardships or pain we have to experience, Chloe and I will work out.
I will fight tooth and nail, until I’m old and grey, for this woman. I’m not letting her slip through my fingers no matter what.
“Lila?” I ask after a minute.
“I put her to bed,” she whispers into my neck.
We sit in silence, and I don’t know how much time has passed when she pulls back and wipes at the silent tears that fell as she was in my arms.
“I love her,” she whispers. “She’s so much stronger than she should have to be.” She hiccups and continues. “I don’t know how you’ve managed to raise such a smart, kind, and empathetic little girl, but she’s all of those things. Hearing her say she wants you to be happy had my heart breaking, but having her think I made you happy was a little patch to my heart.”
I cradle her face in my hands, my thumbs taking over her efforts of wiping at her tears.
“She’s stolen my heart, that little thief,” she says on a laugh with a shake of her head, her lips pulling up slightly. “I don’t want it back, though.”
I can’t help but smile at her, can’t stop myself from placing a soft kiss on her lips, needing a connection to this amazing woman. She deepens the kiss, her fingers finding purchase in my hair. She nips at my bottom lip, and our kiss turns hungry.
My hands find their way under her shirt, and she breaks our kiss, trailing her lips along my jaw and down my neck. I’m hard in my gym shorts, and she rocks against me.
“Please,” she whispers, and my grip on her tightens as she nips at my ear. “I need you. I need a physical connection.”
