Page 84 of Finding Home
“We didn’t start in a conventional way, but I wouldn’t give Grayson up for anything. Loving him and being loved by him is my greatest treasure in life.”
Seeing them together and watching all that Grayson has overcome since they got married has me starting to wonder if I can muster the same strength. Grayson’s gone from doing everything he can to avoid Willow Valley to having spent weeks here over the last few months and planning future trips. I know he still deals with that trauma. He told me he’s going to therapy regularly, doing what he can around his schedule at the hospital, but having Hannah by his side supporting him has given him a strength I don’t know he would have found without her.
That’s really what finding your person is, isn’t it? That one person who brings out the best in you in a way that may even surprise you. Someone who supports you through all of life’s ups and downs, laughing, smiling, and crying with you along the way.
I feel in my bones that the only person for me is Everett. He’s the only person who will make me feel like I’m becoming the best version of myself. If I’m not with him, I’ll be single for the rest of my life.
Needing time to process and think, I push up from my chair and say, “I love you guys,” kissing them each on the cheek.
Grayson catches my wrist before I can take a step away. “It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to need to think and process, but don’t take too long. You don’t want to be me and two years later still pining after what you could’ve had if you just pushed past the fear.”
I nod and climb down the steps, stopping to look back at thembefore I round the house. They’re smiling and whispering to each other, kissing each other softly as Grayson’s arms tighten around her, pulling her closer as though he’s never going to let her go.
FORTY-NINE
CHLOE
I’ve never in my life fought with myself as much as I have when it comes to the decision I made to leave Everett. I’m still fighting it. Warring with myself if I made the right decision or the selfish decision. If I’m crushed and miserable, is it selfish? Because I’ve never been this sad and lost before.
After my conversation with Grayson and Hannah this morning, I knew I needed to come to my spot. Not one on the property, but one away from everything, where no one would think to come find me.
Usually, coming to my spot by the lake is enough to help me at least start to feel better, but right now, it makes me miss Everett and Lila even more. I’m thinking about how much I want them to be here with me. I want to take Lila swimming in the lake during the summer, knowing that Everett is going to sit on the beach and watch us, not getting in until the two of us drag him into the water.
The water slowly laps at the sand as a soft, barely there breeze comes off the mountains, through the valley, and over the lake. I wrap my arms around my legs, hugging them to my chest, trying to fight a bit of the chill. When I left Brin’s this morning needing open space and fresh air, and a conversation with my brother, I didn’t grab anything more than my sweater. The cold helps me stay focused and present. I’m beyond exhausted. I spent the entire night crying, falling asleep when I’d worn myself out, only to wake up a while later andrealize I couldn’t just roll over into Everett’s arms and started crying again.
Hannah’s words wrap around me as though they’re floating on the breeze.
Love isn’t easy.
Love is one of the hardest things you’ll ever experience.
Loving someone comes with fear every day.
The way both Grayson and Hannah talked about loving each other and the way I’ve gotten to witness it not just here, but in the way they talk about each other when I call them or when we video call and they do little things for each other has me finally settling on love is worth the fear.
Love is worth the fear and the tears, because all of the goods, the laughter, smiles, memories, silences spent together, will always overshadow the rest. The downs may be hard and kick you in the Achillies heel, but they will never compare to the rest of it. To the food fights in the kitchen, the tickle wars in the morning, watching Lila ride a horse and learn new tricks, watching Everett pretend to hate whatever romcom I put on when he’s secretly invested. To waking up in his arms, knowing he won’t let anything happen to me.
I close my eyes and smile as I remember the feeling of his lips dusting against my temple as he whispers, “Good morning.”
When I open my eyes, my shoulders relax and I know I’m resolved in my decision. I’m not giving up. I needed my moment to be in my feelings and to process everything and what it means, but I’m done now. I’m going to tell Everett I made a ridiculous and rash decision and hope I didn’t hurt him too much.
I stand and wipe the sand off my ass and turn to start making my way back to my car, but I stop in my tracks when I see Everett stepping out of the trees.
“Everett,” I say so quietly I don’t know how he hears it, but his head spins to me immediately, and I can’t help my smile.
Before I know it, I’m sprinting. My feet dig into the sand as I rush to Everett as fast as I can, jumping when I’m close enough, and he catches me as I wrap my arms and legs around him.
“I was just on my way to come find you,” I whisper, burying my face in his neck.
Everett holds me as if he’s trying to fuse us together to ensure I never leave him again.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble into his neck, and he kisses the first part of skin his lips can find. “I’m sorry I didn’t force myself to process at the house and made the decision to run away.”
He squeezes me, and I hope this means he’ll hear me out more and forgive me.
I unlock my ankles from behind his back, and he tentatively lets me slide down his front. I keep my hands on his arms, needing some sort of connection to him after I forced myself to go without.
These last thirty-six hours have taught me the difference between time apart where you know you’ll see the other person again, like all the twenty-four hour shifts Everett’s worked since we’ve been together, versus when you believe you won’t.
