The former is manageable, more of a “distance makes the heart grow fonder” rather than a “crush your heart” kind of way.
“Can we sit and talk?” I ask, and he nods.
We sit a few paces away. I don’t face the water the way I usually would. I sit facing him, hands in my lap as I fidget with my fingers, trying to gather the words I need to say. I thought I’d at least have the drive back to his place to gather myself properly.
“I’m still scared,” I start, and Everett reaches out, taking my hand and running his thumb across the back of it. I know that even if Everett wasn’t a quiet man, he still wouldn’t be saying anything right now, giving me the time and space to gather myself and say what I need to, and that thought has the corner of my lips pulling up slightly.
“I’ve spent so much of my life in a safe little bubble. Growing up in a small town where nothing really happened, only leaving for university, and even that was sheltered. It was on a campus on the outskirts of the city, and I didn’t venture into downtown as much as I thought I would when I moved. The worst thing I’ve experienced didn’t even happen directly to me, I was on the periphery of it, watching the devastation people I loved were experiencing.”
I flip my hand and intertwine my fingers with Everett’s the best I can at this angle.
“But running won’t make me stop loving you or Lila. It’s notgoing to make the pain any better or go away. Missing you will be this dull pain I’d have to carry around with me for the rest of my life, and I don’t want that. I want all the good times that outweigh the fear. I want to make dinner with you that turns into a food fight. I want to cuddle on the couch while Lila lays on the floor enraptured by the movie we’re watching. I want inside jokes and to celebrate milestones. At the end of a long day, I want to climb into bed and be wrapped in your arms as you kiss and hold me. I want to hear you call me North while I tell you I love you.”
Everett cups my face and stares into my eyes, and that’s when I see the wetness in his. He stares at me reverently and blinks, a tear running down his cheek. My eyes track that small droplet that’s a physical representation of how he feels. He doesn’t need to say anything. I lean into his touch, closing my eyes and letting myself just feel, being in the moment with him.
When I open my eyes, I move closer and straddle his legs. “Can you forgive me for leaving the way I did? For letting the fear take over?”
He kisses me softly and tucks my hair behind my ear. “North, we’re allowed to need time to process. I don’t fault you for that. I just ask that next time you need a little space to be in your head, you tell me and you do it while you spend the night under our roof.”
His thumb strokes my cheek, and I lean into his touch.
“I slept like shit last night knowing you weren’t home. Lila knew something was up and crawled into bed with me. I watched her most of the night, thankful for her, but also knowing that part of our family, part of what makes us us now, was somewhere else. Chloe, you belong with us. You’re the home we both needed. The safe place to land and the somewhere we can be truly ourselves, and I only hope that we’re that for you. That no matter what happens or when the fear takes root, you know we are where you’re safest in this world.”
I place my hands on either side of his face and whisper, “You are,” before kissing him. Our kiss is anything but rushed. It’s slow and savouring, like we’re drawing a map of each other, taking our time to find every little thing.
Everett’s hands wrap around me, pulling me in close. I melt intohim, fusing my body to his as his hands roam over my back. His hands aren’t sexually exploring, they’re moving as if to reassure him that I’m right here.
I break the kiss and rest my forehead against his as we both work to catch our breath. “Will you sit here with me for a while? Just hold me as we watch the water?”
He nods. “Of course, North.”
With a kiss to my forehead, he helps me as I shuffle off him and he spreads his legs so I can settle between them, my back to his chest as he wraps his arms around me. I know I’ve done some damage to us and we’ll have to talk about it more. I can’t just snap my fingers and expect everything to go back to the way it was, but I know Everett will be there with me, working on it with me.
FIFTY
EVERETT
As I hold Chloe, I do everything I can to make myself relax. Chloe said she wants to push past the fear and be together, but I’ve also got this little voice niggling that she may choose to leave down the road. That she’ll not be able to fight the fear.
Holding her is the only thing keeping me calm right now. My entire body is also on edge, needing to claim her. It’s been too long and having her leave the other day has that possessive part of me needing to be fed.
I run my nose up the column of her neck, placing soft kisses along the exposed skin. She bites her lip, holding back her smile as she tilts her head to the right, granting me more access.
“Everett,” she mewls, and I nip at the delicate skin.
“I need to know you’re mine,” I say, continuing my path towards her jaw.
“I’m yours,” she almost pants as she leans further into me and to the side giving me as much access to her as I can possibly get.
“Show me,” I nearly growl.
Her eyes flutter closed, and she nods. I nip at her ear, and she sits forward and stands, practically pouring a bucket of cold water on me.
“Not here. I want to show you how yours I am, but not here.”
I stand and take a step closer, my hand finding the back of her head as my fingers slip through her hair. “Okay, where?” I ask as Ilean down, placing a small peck on the corner of her mouth. I’m unable to keep my hands off her at the moment. Unable to stop having my lips on her.
She doesn’t say anything for a minute. Her eyes are closed and her breathing is fast as my lips move to the other corner of her mouth, placing another soft kiss there.